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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'pretend' to forget my purse?

52 replies

mogandthebaby · 22/02/2011 11:55

Every Thursday I meet up with a group of mums and toddlers.

It gets me out of the house and DD loves playing with the other kids.

I've never missed it and really look forward to it, it's probably the best hour of my week.

Cut to this weekend, the car broke down and had to get it fixed, which cost a fortune, and now I have no money till Tuesday! I mean, absolutely none, I couldn't possibly even get £10 out of the cash machine.

These other mums seem to have no money worries... And I am absolutely embarrassed and mortified and really don't want to tell them I don't even have the money for a coffee, a juice for DD and £4.50 entry...

I'm thinking about 'forgetting' my purse at the door and just paying someone back next week.

AIBU to do this? I've never done it before. But I really can't tell them I've got no money... I think it would completely change our friendship.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 22/02/2011 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbeagleeyes · 22/02/2011 12:23

If I was a friend and you told me you were skint, I'd sub you (if I had it of course). And they would do the same for me and have done in the past, friendship is a two way street.

hissymissy · 22/02/2011 12:24

I am in this situation all the time. I am just honest about my finances, and if I can't afford something I just say so. My good friends (most of whom are in just as bad finances as me) always offer to buy me coffee if they can afford it, if not we do something else, and then I return the favour asap.

cheesesarnie · 22/02/2011 12:24

why not invite them to yours this week.say bring a cake,biscuits each.that way you and your dc still get to socialise and you dont spend what you havent got.
thats what we used to do when the term time babygroup we went to was on holidays.we took turns of hosting it,nightmare when its your turn but great when its not

OliveMalay · 22/02/2011 12:28

Invite them to yours, or don't go this week.

Tolalola · 22/02/2011 12:30

YABU. If you can't afford it, don't go. The other mums won't sneer at you! And if they do, then they're not worth knowing anyway.

I had an ex friend who used to pull the 'forgotten wallet' stunt all the time. It was really transparent and annoyed all her friends hugely, to the extent that many of them dropped her. No-one would have minded at all if she'd just been honest and said she couldn't afford it.

Habbibu · 22/02/2011 12:30

The thing is, if baby friendships are ever to develop into good long-lasting friends, not just to do with children, this stuff has to come up. And if you don't talk about it, then you don't know if they have money worries - they could be hiding it too.

Think cheesesarnie's suggestion is very good, though - cheaper for all of you.

Summerbird73 · 22/02/2011 12:31

i second (or third/fourth) inviting them round to you for coffee. explain the situation but say you would still love to see them.

No matter how flush you are sometimes a car repair bill can screw you for a week or two so they will definitely understand. And if they dont then they are not friends.

If you turn up and sponge off them then they will just get pissed off and be less likely to offer to help you in future.

CameronCook · 22/02/2011 12:34

Olive's idea is good - you can then blame it on the car being fixed as being unable to get there as opposed to being able to afford to pay to get in if you want to save face?

I agree that putting people on the spot is very unfair, they may end up leaving themselves short (in spite of their apparent lack of money worries) in order to pay for your social life.

CameronCook · 22/02/2011 12:34

need to type faster - lots of x posts

ENormaSnob · 22/02/2011 12:34

Yabvu

I wouldn't be impressed if a baby group friend tried this.

Just go next week.

Morloth · 22/02/2011 12:45

I think putting people on the spot like that is more likely to affect your friendships then calling and saying you can't make it because you are skint.

You are wanting to put on a show of finances being alright so there is every possibility they are doing the same thing.

Original poster

mogandthebaby · 22/02/2011 12:46

Thanks everyone.

I won't ask them to change plans, but DD and I will go to the park!

You're right - I'd be annoyed if someone did it to me.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/02/2011 12:47

YABU

They will see through it. Just go next week.

CameronCook · 22/02/2011 12:53

If you dont want to ask them to change plans then fake an appointment that day but say that you will be going to the park / museum etc the next day if they would like to meet maybe?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/02/2011 12:53

OP, it's nothing to be ashamed of. IvyKaty's post is great, shows that it's no big deal and if these are friends of yours, of course they would want you to be there.

Bite the bullet, don't lie (unless you're going for the conjunctivitis one (excellent!) and tell your friends (or one of them even) the truth.

eatmyfood · 22/02/2011 13:03

I take it from the £4.50 reference that you're planning to visit a soft play?

It's half term. Save your Dd the toxic swamp bugs and yourself a headache and go to the park instead.

(eatmyfood sat outside in a freezing cold park with three ds eating ice cream ........)

PigValentine · 22/02/2011 13:20

It's obvious that lying like this isn't something you would normally do, so they'd probably have seen right through it and you'd feel worse!

Hope weather is good for you and DD

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 22/02/2011 13:33

TBH I wouldn't be very happy if a friend put me on the spot and asked me to lend her a tenner. It would be hard to say "No" to someone if we were about to go to soft play, but in reality it might leave the person short of money for the week.

Have you got any other way of raising the money? Does your child have a money box that you could borrow a tenner out of?

FiveFeetTwo · 22/02/2011 13:38

I agree with the others whho say "don't do it". You would be putting the person you ask in a really difficult position - they couldn't really say no. And what if you forget to pay it back next week? I have a friend who does this almosst every time we go out somewhere and I find it incredibly irritating, especially as I always have to ask her again and again to pay me back.

MissRead · 22/02/2011 14:27

Just wanted to say that I really feel for you because I've been in that position with literally no ability to get hold of any money and it's horrible. (Not that far off it these days either, my exhaust fell off last week which cost £250 to fix that we just didn't have, had to put it on the emergency credit card - which we are using after a new cooker, a new hoover and 2 car tyres wiped out the last of our savings - and will be paying it off monthly with the cash we were supposed to be saving for a holiday :( )

I think people are probably right to say don't go, don't borrow, tell your friends and they'll understand, but doing that doesn't feel great even if it is the right thing to do. I don't think many of the responses to your OP offered you much sympathy for a crap situation even if they were well-meant so here's some from me :)

Original poster

mogandthebaby · 22/02/2011 14:33

Thanks - that's really kind...

Its always the case isn't it?? Of course the car breaks down! Happened to me in the supermarket car park as well so a bit embarrassing!

OP posts:

CameronCook · 22/02/2011 14:45

oh and eatmyfood has a very good point if its a soft play - half term will be hell

Strictly · 22/02/2011 15:03

Just been to soft play with DS....HELL

No, literally, it was Hell. Screaming children everywhere! £4 it was here which I think is a total and utter rip off.

It was my last £4, no money for drinks or snacks as I didn't have any other cash. Not that I would have paid 75p for a small cup of squash anyway

sausagerollmodel · 22/02/2011 16:17

No don't pretend and don't lie. Just don't go that week. If you have to give a reason, say 24 hour bug. Instead invite them round to yours on another day for tea/coffee. They might even bring cake! If they ask why you weren't there you can tell them the truth. Depending on how they react you'll know if they are OK friends or not.
Agree £4.50 is alot for soft play, have you thought about joining a local mums & toddlers group? Much friendlier and you get a free cup of tea. usually a v.nominal charge, say £1 per family. Your local Drs surgery should have details.

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