Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu or is DH

31 replies

EenieMeenieMineiMo · 21/02/2011 15:37

Before I start I just want to say that me and DH are no longer arguing about this, I just wanted to ask, as my friend thinks my DH was Unreasonable, but I can now see it from DH's point of view (I think)

On Saturday night I went out with the girls, I hadnt done this for oh god I cant even remeber.

We went to a restaurant for a meal and tbh I told DH before I left home that after the restaurant I would proberly come home which would be about 10.30.

But after I met up with the girls i relaxed alot more and wanted to stay out.

I thought DH would be ok with this as it was 8.30 when we left the resaurant (which is alot earlier than I thought we would tbh)

We went on to a couple of clubs, While I was in the first club in the toilets I did txt DH saying as a joke I may add "hey hunny what time am I aloud out till lol"

After I sent that message I got one back saying I thought you already told me what time you would be back in.

To which I completly forgot about my phone and went out and enjoyed myself.

Cue at 11 DH is ringing me, I realise in the toilets that I have 12 missed calls and DH then says wft you doing you said you would be home by 10.30.

We argue on the phone for about 1/2 to which in the end I was so exhasted I just said ok I would get a taxi in Half an hour.

Then left that club and had mates saying how out of line DH was being and that he had ruined the night.

Felt so gulity that I just slipped of to the taxi rank without them seeing.

Got home and DH just gave me a big hug and them helped me to bed as i was a little worse for wear Blush

So Was ibu for not sticking to my time or was DH for not letting me stay out and phone me for being late.

Sorry for the long post just wanted to get all the facts in

OP posts:
worraliberty · 21/02/2011 15:39

I would have phoned him and said I'm staying out later than 10.30pm. End of problem really.

compo · 21/02/2011 15:40

You should have texted to say you'd be out later than 10.30
sounds like he was worried

HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/02/2011 15:40

You were being totally unreasonable for telling him you would be home at a certain time and then not communicating that you had changed your mind.

To let someone know that you are planning to be home considerably later than you had initially said is just common courtesy. It has nothing to do with permission to stay out.

thisisyesterday · 21/02/2011 15:42

ok i think you were both being unreasonable

you should have just text him to say "going out to a club, will be late back" so that he didn't worry

but he had no right to try and make you come home just because you'd said you be back around half ten.

he was no unreasonable to phone you when you didn't come back when you said you did... he was obviously just really worried aboiut you

nemofucker · 21/02/2011 15:43

If my other half says they will be back for a certain time, and then don't come home, the only problem is that I worry. Worry they've been beaten up, mugged, stabbed, whatever.

Best thing to do is to say 'I'll be back after midnight' then you can't go wrong. I usually text dh when I'm getting ready to go get a taxi / come home and then he knows I'm okay if a bit pissed.

houseworkwhore · 21/02/2011 15:45

i think you answered your own questions

of course you were unreasonable, what would you of done if it was him or your DD? (if you have a dd) x

curlymama · 21/02/2011 15:45

If you say that you are going to be in at a certain time, you should be. Or you should call before that time to let him know.

I don't think your dh was unreasonable at all, it sounds like he was worried that you were ok!

Do your girlfriends all have husbands and children? I only ask because sometimes single women can make out that men are being completely unreasonable just because they have no idea, or don't care about the compromises you have to make in a relationship.

Original poster
EenieMeenieMineiMo · 21/02/2011 15:46

Sorry I missed a bit out of the txt, saying that after he txted back saying "I thought you already said the time"

I did say jokingly again "Oh yeah but would you mind if it were a bit later"

To which he replyed "yes"

Which angered me a bit TBH, but i dont know if that was just the alcohol or weather he was BU?

So I did tell him that I would proberly be later.

He says he doesnt like me staying out to late because he worries, and that he is an old man and heart and wanted to go to bed and couldnt sleep because he was worrying about me.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 21/02/2011 15:47

You were unreasonable by not informing him that you were going to be later.

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 15:47

If you were so pissed you needed helping to bed, then its probably a good job you went home to be honest.

cheekeymonkey · 21/02/2011 15:48

Glad its not just me that feels like that nemo. I always think he will be in a ditch if I haven't heard him come home by 2am. Especially when I know friends of his dd.Shock

Sarsaparilllla · 21/02/2011 15:48

Why did it matter to him what time you got in? I think if he was telling you that you had to be in by 10.30 he was being unreasonable

I'd have just said, 'I'll be back later' rather than asking for permission, why doyou need his permission to stay out later?

ENormaSnob · 21/02/2011 15:49

X posts.

If you informed him then he was unreasonable.

zikes · 21/02/2011 15:50

When you first texted your dh you should have said you were going to stay out longer and not done the joky thing - or when he texted that he thought you had already said when you'd be back, you should have replied to him that you were going to stay out longer. It wasn't very polite to leave him hanging.

I think you could have handled it very differently so that no-one was upset, but instead your friends were put out and so was he. All it needed, was for you to text him back earlier in the evening.

Unless he's the type who gets shirty if you have the night on the town.

Original poster
EenieMeenieMineiMo · 21/02/2011 15:50

No curly mamma none of them have husbands and children, one of my friends is getting married in a couple of months and they were the one that was most understanding of DH.

Also Yes I do admit that If it were DH out then I would of proberly done the same, but in all fairness he goes out alot more than I do this was my first night out in 3 years without DH.

If it were a regular thing I would of understanded more

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/02/2011 15:51

well that was too important a bit to miss out!!!

Your mistake was to ask! You're not a child and you don't need permission.

A text or call to say that you are going to be late is all that is needed.

He has no more right to demand you home by 1030 than you do to demand him home by 1030!

"I worry about you" is a good way to control you while making it seem like it's for your own good and because he loves you so very very much.

Do you "worry about him" and demand him home at a certain time? and does he ask your permission to stay out? and do you tell him no? and if you do, does he come straight home?

Acinonyx · 21/02/2011 15:52

Your dh doesn't like you to stay out past 10.30??? I'd have no truck with that I'm afraid.

But if you want to nip this in the bud - you must be responsible from the start and make it clear when you will be home - and stick to it. Then he won't worry so much and won't mind you going out. i'd give the same advice to a teenager wrt their mum Wink.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/02/2011 15:53

x-post, forget last one. if you both demand that the other comes home at a certain time, and both need permission from the other, then it's a relationship of equal controlfreak s

Original poster
EenieMeenieMineiMo · 21/02/2011 15:53

zikes as I said in my second post, I did txt saying I had changed my mine and wanted to stay out later, I did this at about 9.

OP posts:
zikes · 21/02/2011 15:53

Oh, hadn't seen your other post.

I don't think he's being reasonable to expect you to come home early just because he worries. He should trust you, you're an adult.

Original poster
EenieMeenieMineiMo · 21/02/2011 15:55

I never tell him what time to come in, he tells me a rough time and if he plans to stay out later he tells me and I am fine with it.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 21/02/2011 15:55

You were both unreasonable.

After yours and his texts you didn't say you were staying out later and he must have been so worried especially as you didn't answer your phone. He shouldn't have made you go home once he had got hold of you as you were enjoying yourself.

I think your initial text was wrong, you just should have said you were having a great time and would be out until x time, not asked for his permission.

Original poster
EenieMeenieMineiMo · 21/02/2011 15:56

He is a real old man at heart and I right worrier. Hes only 23 aswell

OP posts:
Original poster
EenieMeenieMineiMo · 21/02/2011 15:58

Yes I do agree I shouldnt of been jokey I should have been straight to the point!!
Trouble is after a few Wine I was in a jokey mood Blush

OP posts:
curlymama · 21/02/2011 16:00

If most of your friends are single, that probably explains why they over reacted, because I think they did by saying your dh had ruined the night.