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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to go to this wedding given circumstances?

29 replies

Wamster · 21/02/2011 14:50

My husband and myself (no dc's) are due to go to a wedding friday week. It is miles and miles away and it is a member of HIS family that is getting wed.
Things have been awful between us for ages and I want to leave him, he shouts a great deal when angry, calls me terrible names, and is dismissive of my feelings and tells me: 'I need to get over them'.
I have said that I do not think it a good idea for me to go to this wedding- I HATE letting bride and groom down, but what can I do? Going to this wedding would mean five days with him and his family miles from mine (family).
He insists I go as 'it would put a downer on bride's day' if she knew we were separating.
I don't know what to do. Please help. AIBU not to go?

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 21/02/2011 14:51

How close are you to bride? How big is wedding?

TrillianAstra · 21/02/2011 14:52

YANBU to not go if you think it will be a horrible day for you.

If you decide not to go, make sure you tell the couple ASAP so that your place/meal wil not go to waste.

BooyFuckingHoo · 21/02/2011 14:54

i couldn't spend 5 days away from home under those circumstances. would it be possible to attend teh wedding separately? i know this means making your separation public but otehrwise they will know when you dont turn up at teh wedding.

Original poster

Wamster · 21/02/2011 14:56

It won't be just a day. It will be five days, miles away from my home town, with his family.
If it were a just for one day within the vicinity of the place where I live I could tolerate it.

OP posts:

springbokdoc · 21/02/2011 14:59

I wouldn't go. I'm sure the bride will have other things on her mind (no offence) and if you don't have to say that you're separating.

I take it you're not uber close to the bride?

zikes · 21/02/2011 14:59

You're unhappy, you want to split up - do it. He can go off to the wedding, you can bag up your stuff.

The wedding couple will be so wrapped up in the excitement and all that that your absence, unless you're a bridesmaid or maid of honour, will scarcely be noticed. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into sticking it out.

Original poster

Wamster · 21/02/2011 15:00

It's a family member of his-not mine. I am not close to bride. What possible excuse can there be for not attending?

OP posts:

ImFab · 21/02/2011 15:02

Why 5 days?

zikes · 21/02/2011 15:04

Excuse? That it's five days with a man you can't stand.

Original poster

Wamster · 21/02/2011 15:05

Just the way the timeline has worked out.

OP posts:

curlymama · 21/02/2011 15:07

I think you need to decide if you are going to separate or not, and base your descision on whether or not to go to the wedding on that.

Personally, I think it's awful when people accept an invitation to an event that takes as much care and planning and money as a wedding, and then don't go. So I would say you have to be sure you are going to split from your husband before you decide not to go.

If you think there may be a chance for you both, you should go. COuld you use it as a little test maybe? The break may do you both good if you make a concerted effort to spend some good time alone together.

deepdarkwood · 21/02/2011 15:08

You could come down with a flu at the last minute - but then the bride/groom won't be able to cancel your meal. Could you have a work crisis that means you can't make it down? Or even one that means you can go down for the day, but have to come back straight away (I'm struggling to imagine why 5 days is necessary...)

BooyFuckingHoo · 21/02/2011 15:09

i agree with curly. decide whether you are separating or not. this wedding sounds like a perfectly timed nudge to make your mind up.

KatieMiddleton · 21/02/2011 15:11

Cancel now. Make an excuse - hospital appointment/last minute work commitment/broken ankle to avoid "putting a downer on bride's day" and use those 5 days to sort out your separation.

I think having a miserable time and the possibility of a family row will be much worse than cancelling.

sparks · 21/02/2011 15:11

YANBU Of course tell the bride and groom ASAP. You don't have to give an excuse, but do apologise.

nickelbabe · 21/02/2011 15:25

I would be inclined to go with the sickness excuse, too, actually.
D&V would be good, cos you're advised not to have contact with anyone for 2 days...

of course, i personally think that if they're going to find out about the split, it would be better sooner than later, and not on their big day, iyswim.
can you ring the bride and explain to her what's happening, and tell her you wish her the best of luck, and that maybe you'd like to go to her hen party?

Edinburghlass · 21/02/2011 22:30

If you don't go, I wouldn't advertise it's because you're about to separate - not a very nice thing to say to a bride and groom who are all loved up and blissfully happy. I'd find another excuse.

saffy85 · 21/02/2011 22:42

A pre arranged Operation? Of the ahem, lady variety so people less likely to ask questions. Can't really cancel as what with NHS being stretched who knows when they would/could next fit you in....

My aunt did this to avoid attending a wedding as she was actually having chemo and losing her hair and generally feeling ill, and just wasn't ready to face so many people at that time. She said no one asks questions if you say gynae....

Underachieving · 21/02/2011 22:48

Don't go, you know you'll hate it and that genuinely WILL put a downer on the day because people will be trying to work out what's up with you while you try to fool them all with a fake smile. For an hour this can be achieved, for 5 days it can not.

You need to either develop an illness or have a family crisis. Remember when you were teenage and you used to text your mates from the loos to get you out of a boring date if it wasn't going well... Ok well maybe that was just me then... But anyway the same principle works as adults. Get your sister/best mate to call you with an emergency at the last minute.

Then while he's gone sort your separation out. Perhaps it would be too extreme to mention the word locksmith at this point... But I would if it were me.

muddleduck · 21/02/2011 22:53

There was a couple at our wedding who had already split up but came together for appearances and to not spoil our day. When i found out later in the year I felt quite sad that they felt that they needed to do this for our sake :(

LessNarkyPuffin · 21/02/2011 23:08

5 days? I wouldn't go.

kitbit · 21/02/2011 23:12

I'd tell the bride now, and be honest. If you tell her now she can perhaps offer an invitation to someone else, plus she will then know why and he won't be able to blackmail you into going.

Don't go!!!!

redexpat · 24/02/2011 02:51

Don't go. The Bride would much rather have a cancellation than drama.

onceamai · 24/02/2011 07:35

How can he possibly insist that you go if you are definitely separating?

nufsed · 24/02/2011 11:10

I would go with kitbit's advice. Contact the bride asap, in confidence, and tell her the situation with as little drama as possible. Say you don't want any discomfort/bad feeling between you and your husband to affect her special day.

If I were the bride it wouldn't spoil my anticipation or enjoyment and I would appreciate the honesty.

Your husband can then use whatever excuse he likes to explain your absence.

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