To not want my friend's son for a sleepover.

[Glubs]

My daughter has been having sleepovers since she was about 3. There's a group of 7 very close friends and rather than babysit for each other, we have each other's children overnight. It all works very well.

However, there is one child who I find very challenging and I just don't want him overnight. It's getting to the point that it'll soon become obvious that he's the only one I won't have for a sleepover. So far, I've told the Mum that I can't have him until he's dry at night but he's nearly 6 now and so I guess it won't be long until he is dry.

His Mum is a really good friend of mine and is always saying how he's 'no trouble' but I find him so difficult and passively disruptive. For example, he doesn't eat anything except bread and butter so when he comes for tea that's what I give him. My daughter then complains that she has to eat what she's given and he doesn't. I offered him a banana last week. He said "No, want cake", when I said "Just eat a tiny bit of fruit, then you can have cake" he ran off screaming and hid under a table shouting "I hate you". When I spoke to his Mum about it she said "he won't eat fruit, just give him the cake" but how is that fair to my daughter who would never be given cake after such behaviour?

He also won't play with toys but likes to take them apart and chew them. That's fine with his own toys but he has ruined several of my daughters things, and I find it really hard to know how to deal with the situation. I can't tell him off as he's allowed to do it at home, but I can't do nothing, as that's a bad message to my daughter.

I'm not sure what to do. Should I just chill out and let him stay? Am I being too precious about my daughter (only child)? or should I continue to make excuses as to why he can't stay?

Any thoughts would be welcome.

Your house - you decide who stays. Do you really mean he is six?

[new mum who thinks kids grow out of this stuff quicker than that]

I think you're going to have to gird your loins and speak to the mother.

Are the other parents in your group having the same issues? Is there one you could perhaps speak to on the quiet first to find out?

If you genuinely can't tolerate the lad's behaviour (and I can see why you'd have issue) at the least you're going to have to explain to the mother that your house, your rules.

Certainly, I don't think you should be feeding him a diet of cake and letting him destroy your daughter's toys!

If he is truly as you are describing, not dry and speaking in baby talk at age 6, then it sounds like the mum really needs to be encouraged to have him properly assessed as he sounds like he may be a special needs child. My ds had multiple autistic friends at that age and he was perfectly well able to understand that they were allowed to do things that he was not. However, before saying this to your dd, you may want to make sure that the child has been assessed by a professional.

Simply explain to the other Mum that her son doesn't seem to settle well at your house and the way you do things, so it would be unfair on him to expect him to last a whole night. She might then be able to share any of her worries with you as his behaviour sounds a bit abnormal for nearly 6 imo. I expect she might like a sympathetic ear if he is like that at home too.

But no YANBU - don't have him to stay until you and he see eye to eye or it's not going to be fun for either of you, or your daughter.

I would have thought it depends on your relationship with the mum. I am of the 'my house, my rules' mindset, but I wouldn't feel the need to ask permission of their parents for the rules I have - I would ask permission to give them treats etc. With this child, I would put a meal in front of them both that included a piece of bread and butter. If that's all he eats, that's fine but he doesn't get anything else unless he clears the plate. Same rule as for my child. With the toys, I would make it clear that they're for playing with, not deliberately damaging. If they can't play with them nicely (obv barring accidents) then I'll take them away and they can play together with no toys.

If you are that close with the Mum, I'd probably have a chat but if she knew me she'd probably expect it! Otherwise I wouldn't bother and if she raised it as an issue, I'd simply say I understood if she didn't want to let him stay anymore.

But then I do take after my mother.

Sorry, just read the 'six' part properly, I was relating to my preschooler. Agree above, if there are special needs that would change things a little.

YANBU, I certainly wouldn't let him destroy your DD's things whether it's acceptable at his house or not!

Although I do agree that you need to speak to the mother (or at least find out if any of the others are having these problems with him) rather than just making excuses, she's bound to realise sooner or later and may well be annoyed you didn't talk to her about it!

Yes, just to add....ds had a friend at that age who was a little odd (ds is too, so I thought nothing of it). The mother finally mentioned to me in a conversation after several playdates, "you do know that he's autistic, don't you?" Of course I didn't. It explained a lot of his behavior (which was, by the way not anywhere near as bad as you are describing).

Some really interesting points, from both sides of the coin for which I'm very grateful.

ginnybag - I like the idea of having a chat with one of the other Mums to see if they've encountered similar problems. Maybe he's like this with everyone, or maybe he just does hate me! It would be useful to know either way.

itsatiggerday - mealtime suggestion a good one, but he won't try anything except bread and butter and last time he was here it was the wrong sort of bread so he ate nothing.

sofiaAmes - he's been offered assessment but my friend has refused it as his reading is excellent.

Generally, I think I might bite the bullet and try a night. If it drives me nuts then I have to weigh up if it's a temporary 'agghhh' and therefore worth it or if it's actually affecting my daughter (it probably isn't, she's no better or worse behaved when she's with him). They do tend to like each other's company. I think I may have to take a deep breath and he might surprise me.

It makes me so frustrated when people refuse assessment for their kids or refuse to accept that something may not be quite right. It does no good for anyone, and only makes matters worse for the child.

YANBU, btw. Your house, your rules.

You have been too patient with him so far.IMO
What puzzles me is that your DD even wants to have him for a sleepover. Or does she just have those kids who happen to be the children of your friends?
Perhaps DD needs to start choosing her own friends?

Don't have him to stay.

Too much trouble.

Sounds like has SN.

I would not mind about the fussy eating, bread and butter it is then!

Also think the whole "fuit first, then cake" stategy odd.

Fruit is nice, why should anyone need an incentive to eat it?

We sometimes have fruit, sometimes ice cream. Fruit is nice, kids like it without the promised cake afterwards. If someone else`s kid does not like fruit it does not bother me.

Some parents are so precious about food, boring.

I would say that now your daughter is getting older, sleepovers are going to be girls only.

Tell her you can't cope with him and why.
My son never had a sleepover, except with scouts and camping. He was too hard for most parents of NT children to cope with, and I was fine with that. I accepted what they could manage and was grateful.

Def agree with those who have said "your house, your rules". I have often calmly explained to a visiting child that my children don't get pudding if they leave lots of main course - it's not that pudding is a reward for finishing main course, just that if there's no room to finish your potato, then there's no room for cake either....

Sounds as though he's able to get away with murder at home! He'll soon learn he can't at your house - then maybe he won't want to come. Problem solved!!

It does sound as though the mum may be in denial of any potential sn issues? Sounds as though someone thinks there may be an issue, if she's been offered assessment - but worryingly refused it...

I think I'd bite the bullet too.
I should think you can explain to your daughter that 'x' is coming to stay and as he's picky with food he'll be having bread then cake and she'll be having whatever with cake.

Hide her good toys. Put out stuff you don't care about so much. Plan things he is into.

I'd say to his mother you aren't fussed about his eating habits but if there's only 1 type of food he's eating to let you know so you can buy it in.

And are the school not onto this as it sounds like he could do with some help... As the kids grow he's in danger of being isolated from his peers - sounds like the adults are already aware of something... won't be long before the kids are and they might distance themselves..

I think you're right, I should maybe relax with the eating. My daughter loves her fruit so she doesn't see it as a chore so probably won't mind if he (x) doesn't eat it. She has said to me that she doesn't understand why he only eats bread and butter as he's missing out on nice stuff so I guess you're right, that's my hang up not his.

Putting toys out that I don't mind being destroyed is a good one too, that's easily done and easily explained to my daughter. He once borrowed a jumper of hers and chewed a hole in the sleeve so we only lend him old stuff now, so it'll be a similar concept for her.

I find it very hard to communicate with him, other kids I've had round understand the different rules in different houses concept. I had another boy round overnight and his mum explained he often has nightmares and will come running into her bedroom. I don't allow my daughter to get out of bed once she's gone to bed (she's never wanted to so not a hard rule to enforce)so I explained this to the boy saying that if he woke up scared, he should call out to me and I'd be there immediately. I was worried if he got up, he would be disorientated in a less familiar house too. Anyway, he did wake up, he called me, I went immediately, gave him a cuddle, reassured him and he was back to sleep within 5 mins and had no memory of the event in the morning.

However, if I try and explain things to x I can tell he's not listening and he stares at me saying "no" to anything I say.

My daughter does seem to like him (which is just as well as she sees so much of him).

Btw, please don't think I class my child as the model of good behaviour, she can be a little madam at times, just like everyone else, but I can reason with her and her other friends but not with x. I guess it's easy to just say I find it challenging, maybe I'm not trying hard enough to empathise. He doesn't respond how my daughter does, so maybe I need a different approach, although I'm not sure what that is! He probably senses my negative vibes which is a horrifying thought!

However, all her other friends have their good and bad points but we muddle through and generally have no big problems. X is the only child to have ever said "I hate you" to me (and he's said it on several occasions), although his Mum says he says it to her all the time so I try not to let it upset me.

The SN issue is an interesting one, he had a helper in class when he started school but his mum said she's discontinued it now and refused their suggested assessment as he's so good at reading and maths so is back on track. I know nothing about SN so assume she knows what she's doing.

My son has Asperger's, limited diet, social communication issues, inflexibility with rules, yada yada...
He's also on track to get a fistful of GCSEs with good grades, including maths and English.
Some parents don't want the label, or even to find out if it's appropriate. Their choice.
Which sometimes leads to situations like this.

I would say that as the mother is a good friend of yours and your daughter and him seem to get on that you should just have him over. Your friend may well be seriously worried about him but not like to admit it. When you have a child who is difficult/different it means the world to the parents to have other people accept your child. It is so difficult from a parental point of view to feel your child is being left out. I would take a deep breath and invite him!!!!

If he is prone to eating/breaking toys then you have to put anything away you do not want eaten/broken.

When he is in your house he abides by your rules, so no cake unless he deserves it.

You cannot treat him differently to your own child, if you have to say no, then no it is, don't give in.

Like Goblinchild, my DS has aspergers, limited diet, social issues, communciation issues ...

BUT he's only 4 and he is not allowed to do the things you described - breaking toys particularly. It's a shame the mum won't accept something is not quite the same as other children becuase if mild, like my DS, parents have the potential to very effectively help them.

The limited diet - you are totally fighting a losing battle with him on that one and I would just give him bread, butter and cake. It won't hurt your DD to have bread and butter with her meal and cake afterwards on the odd occasion this boy comes.