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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my friend's son for a sleepover.

44 replies

Glubs · 21/02/2011 14:50

My daughter has been having sleepovers since she was about 3. There's a group of 7 very close friends and rather than babysit for each other, we have each other's children overnight. It all works very well.

However, there is one child who I find very challenging and I just don't want him overnight. It's getting to the point that it'll soon become obvious that he's the only one I won't have for a sleepover. So far, I've told the Mum that I can't have him until he's dry at night but he's nearly 6 now and so I guess it won't be long until he is dry.

His Mum is a really good friend of mine and is always saying how he's 'no trouble' but I find him so difficult and passively disruptive. For example, he doesn't eat anything except bread and butter so when he comes for tea that's what I give him. My daughter then complains that she has to eat what she's given and he doesn't. I offered him a banana last week. He said "No, want cake", when I said "Just eat a tiny bit of fruit, then you can have cake" he ran off screaming and hid under a table shouting "I hate you". When I spoke to his Mum about it she said "he won't eat fruit, just give him the cake" but how is that fair to my daughter who would never be given cake after such behaviour?

He also won't play with toys but likes to take them apart and chew them. That's fine with his own toys but he has ruined several of my daughters things, and I find it really hard to know how to deal with the situation. I can't tell him off as he's allowed to do it at home, but I can't do nothing, as that's a bad message to my daughter.

I'm not sure what to do. Should I just chill out and let him stay? Am I being too precious about my daughter (only child)? or should I continue to make excuses as to why he can't stay?

Any thoughts would be welcome.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 21/02/2011 17:46

Of course, he might just be a wild child, but idf the school offered assessment then some sort of ASD may well be what they're looking for.
fabbyChic, as I said. Some parents just didn't cope with my son and I'd rather they said no than tried to make him fit their notions of what is acceptable.
Safer for everyone.

CameronCook · 21/02/2011 17:54

YANBU - another parent of a child with ASD - and I have had pretty much the same experience as Goblinchild, and agree with everything that she has said.

Acanthus · 21/02/2011 19:12

He sounds as though he has a few different issues.

My children are older than yours and I have always taken the view that it is not my job to ensure that a guest has a healthy diet, just that he is not hungry during the time that he is with me. My boys understand that the rules are different for guests and that, for example, they don't have to try everything on the plate and will get an alternative if they don't like the original food, which are not the rules that apply to them.

Also, it is helpful to develop a "teacher voice" to use when you need to tell the visitor to do (or not to do!) something.

DerangedSibyl · 21/02/2011 19:19

Another parent of a child with ASD here - sounds like ASD, and regardless of his reading and maths (which ds1 is also excellent at) this child needs help or his life is going to be hell in 3 years time.

If he's coming to yours, let him eat bread. let him eat cake, and provide one thing he can chew (honestly, a dog toy would be ok) because he probably cannot help the way he is. This is not spoilt behavior, this is strange behavior and until you know the cause, forcing him to change might cause him more stress than you could imagine.

pigletmania · 21/02/2011 19:23

The wetting is no problem, pyjama pants do the trick, however the chewing of toys and things, and the delayed speech sounds like it could be SN. My dd 3.11 is being assessed by the Paed, she is under the Ed Psych, SALT and she does chew and her speech and communication are below her peers, her concentration at times is not very good, and she is prone to temper tantrums, brought about by I think not being able to communicate properly. She is very intelligent, and once is is focused is quick to learn and she loves learning too.

I would not want to inflict my dd on anyone at night. I really think that you should chat to the mum, and tactfully explain to her that her ds should be assessed.

thisisyesterday · 21/02/2011 19:32

haven't got a lot to add as you've had good replies already, but if the mum is "a really good friend" like you say then TALK TO HER!

explain why you're worried about having him!

If you carry on like this then she WILL notice and you could potentially lose a really good friend simply because you were too scared to talk to her...

MadamDeathstare · 21/02/2011 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CameronCook · 21/02/2011 19:58

Could you maybe start a carefully worded thread asking for advice about how to care for this child without saying you don't like him - await similar responses to those that you have and then show your friend the thread so that you don't have to bring up the subject?

Edinburghlass · 21/02/2011 21:50

I don't know anything about special needs, but generally I'd say "your house, your rules". Perhaps you could just tell him there is no cake at home.

Original poster

Glubs · 21/02/2011 21:51

Well this is all so interesting. What started as a thread about how I deal with facing talking to my friend has now turned into a discussion about Special Needs.

It had never crossed my mind that x may have issues. It's outside my experience so please forgive my naivity. I have now read some websites and some SN threads here and it does seem to ring some bells.

I'm now feeling very guilty that I may have mistaken 'difficult child' for one with problems.

I have managed to speak to one of the other Mums tonight who said she finds x challenging too and we both felt comforted that we both feel the same.

So I guess now maybe the dilemma has shifted. Do I now try and persuade x's mum to change her mind about the assessment or should I just back off, it's none of my business really is it? I feel totally confused now.

Either way, I've decided I'll definitely try a sleepover with x.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 21/02/2011 21:55

I'd leave persuading her about assessment to the school.
Fantastic that you are going ahead though, I'd look at some of the ways suggested to limit the damage and impact on your home and toys.
Let us know how it goes please.

weefriend · 21/02/2011 21:57

I think if you take it he has SN and understand that these behaviours are the result of that, rather than him being difficult, you will probably find him much easier to cope with. His mother probably doesn't find him remotely difficult because she is used to adapting around the way he is, and so he would be easy for her iyswim.

As for approaching her about it, I think I would leave it. It sounds like she has already pretty much been told there is a problem, if she has been offered assessment, but obviously isn't ready to face it yet. It does, sadly, sound like his needs will be serious enough that at some point she will have to face it, so be ready to pick up the pieces.

Goblinchild · 21/02/2011 21:57

Forgot this bit.

'I'm now feeling very guilty that I may have mistaken 'difficult child' for one with problems. '

Don't feel guilty at all, that's one of the reasons I welcomed my son's dx at 9. Once I knew what was going on, I could work on even better strategies. Until that point, he was just seen as evil and possessed by many parents and other adults.

Pancakeflipper · 21/02/2011 22:18

Don't give yourself a guilt trip OP. Give yourself credit to questioning it, how it makes you feel and not running off from a friendship waffling excuses.

I was thinking about when he comes to yours - go to a cheap shop and buy some toys like cheap cars etc.. If they get destroyed you'll be more than happy to sweep them up!

3cutedarlings · 21/02/2011 22:19

Another mother with a child with ASD (she too is an excellent reader and is a math wizz! infact she is gifted & talented in both subjects) agree with the others, this little lad sound very much like he may have some SNs. Hats off to you for giving this boy another chance :), i would love for my daughter to have a friend like your DD she sounds like one very empathetic switch on little darling .

As regards to his Mum, i too believe that its probably best to leave things to school, however some schools will just leave things be (they cant be arsed basically). Long term wise this isnt whats best for this little boy. Could you maybe mention in passing that you have met another child (well its only half a lie lol) with ASD and say that her DS share similar traits?

3cutedarlings · 21/02/2011 22:20

switched

Original poster

Glubs · 23/02/2011 22:10

Update:

Spent the day with the whole gang today. I travelled with x and his mum. I told her I'd be prepared to have him overnight and she was delighted. I admit I couldn't help 'observing' x a bit today, seeing how he acted/reacted with the others and he does seem different but I found him much easier to deal with when I thought about stuff I'd read on SN websites. I found patience I never knew I had and he responded to that, I also avoided any physical contact with him and he seemed more temperate. I've no idea really if he has SN (and wouldn't want to pidgeonhole him with amateur views anyway) but it can only be a good thing that when I employ tactics suggested when dealing with SN children from stuff I've read in the last few days, I seem to be making progress.

I noticed my daughter tends to play 'alongside' him and yet she plays 'with' the others and the others do the same, I'd never realised that before. However, he's not alienated, it seems to be a sort of natural thing. I guess they've all known each other since they were a few weeks old so have got the measure of each other.

Thank you all so much for helping me with this. I'll let you know how the sleepover goes when it happens. I'm still apprehensive about it, but I'll try it once and see how we go.

OP posts:

Acanthus · 25/02/2011 16:54

That sounds really positive - even if he has no SN, thinking about how you respond to his various behaviours is bound to help.

mummery · 25/02/2011 17:11

I wouldn't talk to other mums first, too much like gossiping.

It would be perfectly fair to explain to the boy's mum that you're in a catch 22 with regard to different expectations of behaviour.

WRT the food issue, my son has 2 friends come over regularly one of whom is a bit fussy. I put out a little finger food buffet on the table for all of them and give them a plate each to help themselves. Then I leave the room and let them get on with it!

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