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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

at what point should you interfere with regards to how someone raises their child

48 replies

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 21/02/2011 14:30

Where is the line between being nosey and it being none of your business, and it being best for the child as they are not being looked after properly?

For example, my niece is 5 years old and weighs over 8 stone. :(
She sees a dietician, but her mum ignores the advice they are given. She doesnt get any exercise at all and is even driven the 2min walk (literally, its about 200 yards) to school. She also leaves her daughter with her nan while she works part time (and a lot of the time while shes not working...), and her nan has trouble with her memory and forgets she has fed her, so does so again. And its not the healthiest food to start with.

I dont know what I could do, as her HCPs obviously already know, but AIBU to want to do something ??

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 21/02/2011 14:32

There's nothing you can do. If a dietician hasn't changed anything, what on earth makes you think you can?

What are you proposing?

worraliberty · 21/02/2011 14:32

It's a tough one if she already sees a dietician there's not much you can do really.

If she's over 8st and 5yrs old, she should really have SS involved also.

lospolloshermanos · 21/02/2011 14:36

If the dietician hasnt worked I'm not sure you will. I feel for you tho difficult sit.

Original poster
allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 21/02/2011 14:36

tatty I dont know really. I just feel awful for her everytime I see her, she just seems to be getting bigger and bigger :(

OP posts:
Original poster
allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 21/02/2011 14:37

I'd quite like to give her mum a good shake though!

OP posts:
saffy85 · 21/02/2011 14:37

What are you gonna be able to do that the dietician can't, or another professional? If the mother wont listen to them why would she listen to you? I'm not being rude but ime people like this don't listen to anyone who don't agree with themselves.

I'd be very surprised if this poor kid hasn't already been referred to SS.

saffy85 · 21/02/2011 14:38

Excuse my shocking grammer Blush hope you get my point though.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 21/02/2011 14:39

I really feel for you, it must be distressing. Is there family history of overfeeding/obesity - is the mum or nan obese too?

How is your relationship with the mum? you haven't said if she's your sister, sil, etc. Can you speak openly with her to say you are concerned/offer to take your niece to some activities - swim, gym, etc?

anyway, i don't really know what you can do, if the mum is as uncaring as it seems from your post, but perhaps a call to SS to ask for advice would point you in the direction of any other available help?

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 21/02/2011 14:40

The thing with the nan in itself would worry me, leaving aside the weight... if she is so forgetful she can't remember feeding your niece, I would be worried about her being in sole charge.

What else might she forget or get wrong? - leaving the gas on, losing niece somewhere, or all sorts of other things could go wrong. Also if it is dementia or similar, there could be other symptoms now or as she gets worse - aggressiveness for example is not uncommon I believe, or just confusion which could be really scary for a small child (forgetting who niece is, for example).

KnittedBreast · 21/02/2011 14:42

I dont think you should get involved at all

worraliberty · 21/02/2011 14:45

I think we all have a duty to get involved or be concerned when it comes to child abuse knitted though in this case it sounds as though authorities will already be involved.

Original poster
allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 21/02/2011 14:48

The mum isnt a direct relative of mine and over 10 years older than me, dont want to go into details as I dont want to possibly be "outed" (I see that what I've posted may already be too much, but trying to post only relevant stuff...)

So I cant speak to her about it really. And all the people who could (older, closer relatives) dont want to interfere (though they always talk about it with each other). Which is why I thought I might be unreasonable to want to do something (although I dont know what, I'm not suggesting she gets put into care or anything)
They all think that her being seen by a dietician is enough.

The mum is only slightly overweight, but her other two kids are very overweight. Not to the extent of 5 yo though.

OP posts:
mumbar · 21/02/2011 14:50

I agree its hard to know what you can do, but I agree you should do something. A 5yo cannot fend for herself and is relying on the adults involved to stand up for her.

worraliberty · 21/02/2011 14:55

I don't think going in to care would be a bad thing if nothing changes for this child.

If she was being starved or abused in any other way, I'm sure she'd be taken in a lot sooner.

GiddyPickle · 21/02/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tolalola · 21/02/2011 15:01

Doesn't sound like there's much you can do, dietwise, tbh Sad.

Can you ever look after your DN and try to do lots of active things with her and feed her healthy food?

Original poster
allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 21/02/2011 15:06

Shes been seeing the dietician for over a year btw and keeps putting on weight. Last I heard the dietician wasnt happy so wants to send her to exercise classes.

worral I feel I'm being OTT to think this is abuse, but IMHO, thats how it seems...

She snuck downstairs the other morning and ate a while multipack of crisps, Mum caught her and said "this is why you're fat and the doctor is mad at mummy" :(
The mum has told another relative that she loses interest in her children once they're not babies. And that she hates her daughter!! :(

OP posts:
worraliberty · 21/02/2011 15:09

It is abuse though whether intentional or not. This 5yr old weighs the same as me and I'm a fully grown adult.

I'm afraid if things don't change she's not going to live too long is she?

I'm not being alarmist, just a realist here.

BringOnTheGoat · 21/02/2011 15:14

I'd be more worried about ther attitude to her child - they way she spoke to her, that she hates her - not good - poor little girl!

Debs75 · 21/02/2011 15:18

It sounds like you have a lot of contact with the family so why don't you help and give her some exercise.
Mum can't be bothered with her, maybe show her that news story of the fattest teenager

QuickLookBusy · 21/02/2011 15:20

Allsquare, does she live near you? Could you offer to let her come to you house a couple of times a week and do something energetic with her, even just go for a walk with her?

QuickLookBusy · 21/02/2011 15:21

Sorry x posted with Debs

Tolalola · 21/02/2011 15:23

Shock why on earth would they keep multipacks of crisps in the house when they have a DC with a serious weight problem?

Surely that's a bit like people who smoke inside when their kids are asthmatic?

Poor child.

mamatomany · 21/02/2011 15:27

Well I'd give the mum a good shake and then at least you know if anything does go wrong you did your best.
My mum used to leave my younger brothers alone and one night he aged 9 out his hand through a window, when i pointed out he could have slit his wrists I was told that would be tough shit, no more I could say to that but at least i'd tried.

thisisyesterday · 21/02/2011 15:28

yanbu at all

in fact if i were you i would try and talk to her health visitor or gp or someone.
or call SS and ask for advice (without giving names etc) if they are able to do that?

because you know, just cos she says she sees a dietician doesn't mean she actually does. that may be made up to get people off her back.

this child does need help, and no-one is doing anything.
people shouldn't just ignore it and not get involved when a child is at risk