at what point should you interfere with regards to how someone raises their child

[allsquareknickersnofurcoat]

Where is the line between being nosey and it being none of your business, and it being best for the child as they are not being looked after properly?

For example, my niece is 5 years old and weighs over 8 stone. :(
She sees a dietician, but her mum ignores the advice they are given. She doesnt get any exercise at all and is even driven the 2min walk (literally, its about 200 yards) to school. She also leaves her daughter with her nan while she works part time (and a lot of the time while shes not working...), and her nan has trouble with her memory and forgets she has fed her, so does so again. And its not the healthiest food to start with.

I dont know what I could do, as her HCPs obviously already know, but AIBU to want to do something ??

8 stone at age 5 is - more than double the healthy weight. Is she exceptionally tall? My 7YO DD weighs 3.5 stone (and she isn't especially skinny) so can't really imagine what an 8 stone 5 YO would even look like.

What you can do:

• If you live nearby take her swimming / other exercise every weekend. Take her back to yours and give her a healthy lunch.

• If the story about the multipacks comes up again I would question the mum on how the 5 YO has access to the crisps. Our crisps/chocolate is kept high up and the DC (age 4 and 7) can't access - moved high up when DS1 helped himself to a treat sized milky way. Infact ask the mum why she even buying any crisps?

• Offer to go with to dietician.

It is not OTT to think that its abuse.

Do you have DC the same age as her? You could always offer to take the little girl swimming/out for a run/skipping or some such.
Could you suggest some sort of food chart pinned to the fridge for her Nan to look at?
Healthy start/get fit/that yellow healthy eating thing (you know, that thing?) has a week day chart that you write on with board pens - then she would know whether or not she's fed her.

YANBU to want to do something

Report her.

I cant look after her, she spends the weekends with her other nan, and is obv in school all week.

Plus, I know its very nasty and not her fault at all, but she is a horrible child (ready to be flamed for saying that!) My DS is only 5mo and she hates him, wont come in the room when hes there. And everyone just panders to her and goes out of the room with her.

Her nan knows what food she is supposed to have but thinks its nonsense... She thinks she is fine to have mcdonalds every week (i'm the first to defend mcds by the way, see a recent thread, but there is a LINE!) and cakes and crisps and chocolate and ice cream every day. More than once a day as she forgets too. I was offered a crisp from her tube of pringles the other day. ONE pringle. I took it, even though I dont like them, just to try to stop her from eating as much!

PS it was the bum wiping thread that made me think of this today. She cant reach to wipe her own bum as shes just too big :(

This mother is killing her, ffs.

I would tell the mother that she is abusing her child and if nothing changed I would report her to SS. By allowing her dd to get this fat she is risky her physical, mental and emotional well being.

What a horrible story, i find this very sad indeed.

There are a lot of complex factors and interactors that cause childhood obesity. It sounds like the poor child is comfort eating and she may be experiencing some emotional abuse/ neglect from her mother. Another thing is that she would need consistent support in changing her diet, at home, at school, at nana's house, because she may need to re-train her taste-buds/stomach to accept healthier eating. Clearly mother is not engaging with the dietician - simple things such as keeping the unhealthy crisps etc out of the way would be so easy to do! Also, she would need to learn some more helpful responses/ ways to support and encourage the child.

Sorry you are confronted with this OP, it is so sad . How helpful/ understanding would the grandmother be (is she your mother too)? Maybe the family needs more help to get at the root of the problem, such as family therapy/ help for the mum as she sounds nuts in need of it.

She is nuts in need of help, not just with her children either

She is still nowhere near over her husband leaving (btw, DC were overweight before this) and threatens suicide on a regular basis. But TBH, I dont give a shit am not worried about her, just her kids (specifically the 5 yo)

So is it the nan that is the problem undermining the mother ?

Her DH will be fighting for custody - I have my fingers crossed for him.

Partly mama , but the mother can be just as bad, undermining her own "rules" so the poor girl doesnt know what to do. And at the end of the day, she is leaving her DD with someone that she knows isnt capable...

Can another relative offer to have her, give her decent stuff to eat and take her out swimming or something? It sounds as if she could do with spending some time with a more functional family.

Could you position it is concern for the granny?

Good grief. I agree that getting SS involved, if they are not already, might be a good thing and it may help the father's application for custody.

The more you post the more I think ss should be involved. She is killing her child. That weight is horrific for a 5 yo poor, poor girl.

I don't want to flame you for saying she's a horrible child - some kids are vile - but it is ALWAYS the fault of the people raising them. Sounds like she is horrible for many reasons. I feel sad for the mother being so low and know how hard it is coping alone but your children come first!!

Tell her about the family that lost their child/children (I can't remember which), dc was taken into care because of neglect, she was obese too. Either you do nothing, or you step in and try to save this child's life, because her Mum is killing her, slowly but surely.

I am a bit surprised by some of the comments.
If it was abuse, don't you think thta it would have been reported already ?
The dietician ? The GP ? (who will be copied in on reports from the dietician), the school nurse, who would do weight and height checks.
All three of the above would have a 'duty of care' to the CHILD. And thus if they were concerned, would have to report to ss.

So why do you think this has not happened ?

Ob - thats the main reason I dont want to report them, I figure that these positions of authority are clearly happy with the situation... It just doesnt sit right in my gut......

MMS - thats a great idea, I can casually drop things like that into conversation without having a go or seeming too nosey!

bringonthegoat - I would also guess that shes not so nice because she must be picked on in school :(

Definately - it's heart breaking

Just ran this by my GP dh. He says any really good GP would have referred to SS but that doesn't mean it has happened as a good GP wpuld also be seeing the child very reglarly to check compliance with dietician.

He would report and says there is nothing to be lost by you reporting even if SS are already aware - they may well be aware of the obesity but not of the Granny issues, which need to be brought to someones atention for everyone's sake.

You could talk to their GP if you don't want to go to SS. They can't discuss the case with you but they can listen and pass it on.

I would think the child is very unhappy, which will make her unlikeable. She must see the difference between herself and the other children. She must notice people staring at her. She must feel absolutely awful, just as we would if we were double the size we should be. It must hurt her to move - the thought of her actually carrying that extra weight is horrific.

OK, you want to know what you can do to help, but you don't really do you? You want a judge fest - horrible child, mother who is nuts, i wont bother to underline it. Do you even like these people?

If i were that worried, i would maybe offer to take the child out from time to time, maybe have her round for dinner and cook a healthy tea so she gets to like healthy food. Offer to help in some way.

The mum has some serious issues, maybe if you are that concerned that you feel he need to post on here, YOU could offer to help out with childcare during the times that this woman leaves her child with her nan? Could it be that she can't face the fact that her mother isn't well? I refused to believe there was anything wrong with my father when he had dementia. Its a difficult thing to face up to.

This woman needs re educating into ways of healthy eating. It could be that there is a genetic reason for her childrens obesity, but if dietician involved i assume that has been investigated.

Feel sorry for your niece and her mum, but i don't really know what you are asking, other than whether you should report to SS or not. I would have thought that the dietician would be best placed to do that.