Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect some family support re breastfeeding?

48 replies

AppleyEverAfter · 20/02/2011 21:34

I am only 9 weeks pregnant but have already decided that I want to give BF a go, I think it's the easiest and best way to feed a newborn and the thought of it doesn't freak me out like it does some people, so I'm gonna try.

When I mentioned this today after a family lunch, I got some negative vibes from my Mum, SIL and even Gran! They all gave BF a try and gave up after days or a few weeks and kept going on about how formulas are so much better nowadays, and giving conflicting advice like you still need to give the baby water even though I've read BF gives baby everything it needs, including enough hydration.

DH's mum never even attempted BF and I just know I'm going to get the same reaction from his family, and god knows how they'll react when I'm feeding during the first few weeks, which is from what I've heard pretty damn frequently!

It's my first pregnancy but I hate to think that I'll be that judgmental when I'm a mum. AIBU?

OP posts:
winnybella · 20/02/2011 21:36

Of course YANBU.

But does it really matter what the family think? Don't worry about them. Chuck some bf literature at your DH so at least he's on your side and ignore the rest of them.

Congratulations on your pg Smile

gaelicsheep · 20/02/2011 21:38

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good on you for thinking about this already. Lots of women had very bad experiences and are now quite bitter. I would say that you have 7 months to change their minds, but actually it's really 7 months to arm yourself with enough information and confidence to ignore the negative comments when they come.

Do you really care what they think?

Greeninkmama · 20/02/2011 21:39

Congratulations. I would suggest getting in touch with NCT or La Leche League and finding out if there are any breastfeeding groups in your area. If your family aren't supportive, it is nice to have a drop-in group to go to.

Sarsaparilllla · 20/02/2011 21:41

Do what you feel comfortable with, I wouldn't bother trying to talk them round or anything to make a big deal of it, it doesn't really matter what they think, just do what you want

Punkatheart · 20/02/2011 21:41

Don't talk about it with family again. It's a personal choice and you are right (as the mother) whatever you decide. Talk to your midwife after the baby is born - see how you feel about it then. Do some research beforehand but you will know exactly what to do when the time comes.

Until then, enjoy your pregnancy - it's a lovely feeling. Don't let anyone spoil your experience.

MrsMooo · 20/02/2011 21:42

No, YANBU but unfortunately lots of people want to justify their feeding choice by being critical/unsupportive of BF, I found those that have FF and have no issues with it have a your baby/your choice attitude

Have a good read of la leche league's site, and have their number saved for support when you and if you need it - and hope that they become more supportive when the baby arrives, but try not to take it too personally if they don't

petisa · 20/02/2011 21:50

Great advice here. Just ignore what your family say about breastfeeding and don't let anyone undermine your choices now or when your baby is born.

Read the breast and bottlefeeding section here on mn, it's fab, and I would also really recommend The Food of Love By Kate Evans - it's a lovely wee book, funny, easy to read and very informative. Also the kellymom website is great. Arming yourself with information is the best way to keep your confidence up in the face of negative comments about breastfeeding (or any aspect of parenting!)

The more information and support you receive from other sources, the less likely you are to be swayed or thrown into doubt by family members.

When my first was born and I was going through those v difficult first few weeks, my mum and dp kept saying breastfeeding was too difficult and I'd be mad to continue, which really did contribute to me giving up. The second time, the nurses in the hospital (abroad) kept on and on telling me to give (perfectly healthy) newborn dd2 a bottle or else she would get ill, and it was only because I had read so much on here that I was able to resist them. You really have to practically grit your teeth and put in earplugs some times!

Good luck!!

moonstorm · 20/02/2011 22:43

The Politics of Breastfeeding is a good read Grin

GruffalosGirl · 20/02/2011 23:57

You've had really good advice from everyone so far, I'd just say mentally prepare some commments for how you'll respond to what family say in advance.

My MIL constantly questioned my breastfeeding last time round and I found it stressful as I didn't know how to respond. This time round I've got some stock phrases prepared to come out with so I don't feel I need to get het up trying to justify myself and feel much calmer about it as a result.

Good luck, I'm sure it will all go really well.

bubbleymummy · 21/02/2011 00:04

YANBU - Just perfect your smile and nod :) I would say try to get your husband on board though. Get him to read about it too and be ready to support you against the well intentioned 'advice'. You might want to go along to a breastfeeding group meeting like La Leche League - there are usually pregnant mums there and you can get lots of real life information and maybe make some friends that can help you through. The feeding board on Mumsnet is very good too.

Congratulations! :)

MissyKLo · 21/02/2011 00:05

Congrats! Please use the support groups out there and on here and don't let their negativity get to you - sounds like they feel defensive as they gave up and how selfish not to support you!

Please pm me if you need any advice before or when baby comes and I can recommend a few fab bf books to read too x

Original poster
AppleyEverAfter · 21/02/2011 14:25

Ta for all the advice! I had a word with DH last night and he is fully supportive of the BF, he promised to watch the DVD I got from the midwife and stick up for me when it comes to family 'discussions'! I am definitely going to attend a BF clinic nearer the time too, one of the midwifes on my local team runs it so she should be a good support. So things are looking up, I'll try not to care so much about what people think from now on!

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 21/02/2011 15:21

Yep, if there is one thing you can learn to do between now and having your baby, its "opting out" of discussions that end up with you being told what to do or undermined in some way. They can happen a lot depending on who your friends and family are.

There are several techniques, including not bringing it up in the first place, being evasive and non-committal (so there's nothing to argue about) if someone brings it up, not justifying any reasons if you do state your intentions, and basically changing the subject!

Its not just breastfeeding but pain relief, birth choices, weaning, you name it, everyone does it differently and has an opinion depending what generation they are.

I do think some people like to "entrap" first time mothers into saying things they will later regret, and have a good laugh at them. Dont fall for it! I'm thinking of the girl on One Born Every Minute a week or so back, who they were interviewing about natural birth and they edited it so that they cut from "my body was capable of making a baby so its capable of birthing it naturally" to "GIVE ME SOME PETHADINNNNNNNNNNE!!!!"

Really uncharitable of them... Grin

lindy100 · 21/02/2011 16:00

I'd like to second the advice on here - two bits in particular:

  1. I found a local bf cafe the best thing - for every pg friend/relative I have who intends on bf for the first time I tell them that support is crucial - and not just from HVs, but more from other people in your situation.
  1. Don't talk about it with your family any more. Esp as if for whatever reason you don't do it for very long they will be able to crow about how much you went on about it and look at you now etc etc.

I am the first in both my and DH's family to have bf - did it for 14 months - and luckily they were supportive and positive (though I didn't ask for support from them!), though even with some of my ILs I got too many 'she's not hungry again?!' kind of comments.

Sassybeast · 21/02/2011 16:05

There should be 'no' family discussions about your decision. If the other memebers of your family decide to engage in a discussion, opt out of it gracefully and leave them to it.

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 16:07

YANBU to do whatever you want to do, but you have to expect family member to tell you how they did it too... but ultimately, your baby, your choice. :)

scotsgirl23 · 21/02/2011 16:12

Congrats and welcome to the world of judgey parenthood! I'd try not to take it too hard - my DD is 9 months and I'm now figuring out the best ways to politely say "thanks for your input but....." - I suspect you'll find this will only be the start of being "advised" how best to parent!

If it's any comfort, I FF and got the comments in reverse - whatever you do someone will have a blooming opinion!

Ealingkate · 21/02/2011 16:14

My mum didn't BF and it seems as though my BFing was taken as some kind of comment on her choices.
BF and FF are not the same, but they can both be the best solution in different circumstances.
Older generation FFers seem to be obsessed with how often BF are fed and you not knowing how much they are having, whereas older generation BFers never seem to ask those kinds of questions IME.
Don't let them make you feel bad or uncomfortable for feeding your baby whenever it seems hungry.

mrsravelstein · 21/02/2011 16:15

my mum finds breastfeeding repellent (god knows why) and each time i was pregnant she said 'you're not going to breastfeed are you?', and each time i did. by the time i had dc3 she had just about calmed down enough to the point where she didn't have to actually leave the room when i was feeding... but even so she still makes comments pretty much once a week asking when i am going to stop. i just try to smile politely and ignore it!

EdwardorEricCantdecide · 21/02/2011 16:20

all i can say is that at least you know their attitudes now before you have DC as when i told family i would BF when pg they all said good well done etc etc.

as soon as DS is born they were like "you don't know if he's eating enough" that would be too much hassle etc etc basically just encouraging me to quit which i did because i wasn't prepared for that pressure.

at one point i was out for lunch with MIL and went to feed DS and she said " you should go into toilet with him, waitress/customers don't want to see that" Shock
needless to say my reply was
"why dont you go have your lunch in toilet then?"

Driftwood999 · 21/02/2011 16:21

Sassybeast - I agree. OP it's your decision and that is all that matters. Do not be undermined. The more determined you are the more likely you are to succeed. The more you inform yourself ante natal the better. There is lots of bf support out there and my advice is just go for it. Not always the easiest option in today's society but in the long run it is so much easier to b/f. Just think, it comes at the right temperature, on demand at the right strength/formula, with useful antibodies and in such lovely containers Smile It is my personal belief that new mothers should be allowed lots of rest and privacy with their closest family in order to achieve this in the early days.

Driftwood999 · 21/02/2011 16:24

P.S. the containers do not need to be washed up, sterilized or stored.

diddl · 21/02/2011 16:25

How sad that they don´t seem able to support you because it didn´t work for them.

My mum didn´t manage to BF & was delighted for me that I was able to.

My MIL did BF & it didn´t occur to my husband that I wouldn´t at least try.

Even got to the point of being able to BF in front of my ILs!

Arneb · 21/02/2011 16:28

I've bf all the of my DC and apart from my DH the rest of the family has been very anti-bf. They have gotten less vocal with each DC and the passage of time.

I would just echo what everyone else has said - make sure DH is on side and well informed and make sure you are well informed and know were to go for advise or help if you do encounter problems.

Despite having straight forward births I had different bf problems with first two and that is when my families lack of support hurt the most. Knowing why I was trying so hard and where to find the support and information I needed meant I continued and got passed the issues and to my surprise enjoyed it and by third DC it was a straight forward. (Some of my friends who bf has no issues from the word go Envy).

plupedantic · 21/02/2011 16:40

As for that thing about water, have a look at this - No Water for Under Ones. The thinking is that water may flush out nutrients that a baby needs, let alone the "side -effect" that the baby might fill up on water and not be hungry for milk! Breastmilk has a "watery" component as well as the "milkfat" component (which comes later in the feed), so no extra water is actually needed, no tea, no other bullshit (and don't underestimate how time-consuming these extra bits will be to prepare). We took DS on a hot holiday when he was 2 months, and he just fed a lot more (with the good side-effect that he jumped up the growth chart).

This is a good example of how their ignorance could actually be dangerous. I agree wiht previous posters - please arm yourself with as much information as you can, but don't reveal you are "armed", and avoid confrontation if you can, or they will beseige you even more (for some reason, people don't like being told they are wrong....).