To expect some family support re breastfeeding?

[AppleyEverAfter]

I am only 9 weeks pregnant but have already decided that I want to give BF a go, I think it's the easiest and best way to feed a newborn and the thought of it doesn't freak me out like it does some people, so I'm gonna try.

When I mentioned this today after a family lunch, I got some negative vibes from my Mum, SIL and even Gran! They all gave BF a try and gave up after days or a few weeks and kept going on about how formulas are so much better nowadays, and giving conflicting advice like you still need to give the baby water even though I've read BF gives baby everything it needs, including enough hydration.

DH's mum never even attempted BF and I just know I'm going to get the same reaction from his family, and god knows how they'll react when I'm feeding during the first few weeks, which is from what I've heard pretty damn frequently!

It's my first pregnancy but I hate to think that I'll be that judgmental when I'm a mum. AIBU?

YANBU - but i'd accept now that you probably won't get that support. Great your DH is supporting you.

In their defence, I would say that BF'ing is often not an easy ride. And everything they had to say about formula is true. So there is an element of them caring about you too. (As well as an opinionated, bossy side)

Interestingly enough I found that the formula websites had the most useful, sensible advice (videos etc) about BF'ing. Less zealous than NCT etc - but still very supportive. And I exclusively breastfed til 18 months so don't worry that you'll be brainwashed.

It didn't occur to me to try anything other tbh and I was a bit surprised by some of the comments when I did [Breastfeed].
My stepmum said things like it was 'a fad' and 'you are starving that boy'. Thankfully, after all these years I am used to her comments (she is lovely in many ways but....) and found them quite funny.
MIL and FIL weren't as bad but they also came out with some absolute crap, too. A few sarcastic comments and enquiries about the scientific basis of their opionions from me seemed to stop it all. Then I think I became labelled as a militant breastfeeder by them (and SIL who didn't BF either) and any mention of me popping upstairs to BF would be met with slightly rolled eyes and glances to each other. To be fair I probably did get up on my soapbox but only because they started it . If they had just let me get on with it....odd behaviour really.

Yes, another reason to avoid confrontation is that it doesn't always work out. I had a friends whose DC had an undiagnosed tongue-tie, and the friend had endless problems with cracks and thrush and so on (the bad latch had caused massive problems). She carried on bf far longer than she ought to have done, and even though I am very pro breastfeeding, I also strongly believed her DC needed a compos mentis mother far more than s/he needed breastmilk. Pity I believed that more than my friend. She eventually switched to formula, but far later than she ought to have done.

look am not a BF fanatic I think everyone should do whats right fir them but when I announced we were expecting last year at 13 weeks and of course I would be BF my mum was really negative and I felt really alone but now my DS is 14 weeks we have had a great time feeding and did not find it that difficult ( although the nights are long!) please don't be put off, but don't do it if it starts to make you realy miserable thats not worth it either. It can take a few weeks to get in to the swing but I'm sure you will. I'd also find your local boson buddies group they can be really supportive

How sad for you :(

My Mum didn't manage to BF me - I was prem and tiny and she had awful support from HCPs, but she did BF both my brothers.

She was my staunchest supporter (with the exception of DH) when I was struggling with feeding DS for the first few weeks. I think the fact that I succeeded with her help actually helped to take away some of the guilt that she's always had about not being able to BF me as she wanted to.

We have a very volatile and confrontational relationship on all sorts of other levels, but with BF she was a bloody star.

I'm v.pleased to hear that your DH is supportive though, that is the most important person to have onside.
Get him to read the literature and think about the practical things he can do to support you when the time comes - as well as standing and barring the door from well-meaning interfering relations when you and your baby are trying to get to grips with feeding

My Mum did catsbumface every time I talked about breastfeeding or breastfed and came out with some truly outlandish claims about breastfeeding and what it would do to me and DS1. I in turn made up the most ridiculous things I possibly could in return about formula feeding.. (and I did mixed breastfeeding and formula for both boys btw) Formula feeding makes male babies grow boobs/third nipples/extra legs Mum! It will make his hair go green! He'll have one leg shorter than the other! He'll have a dutch accent! He'll be colourblind and unable to taste cheese!! Thank Goodness for breastfeeding eh Mum?

.....she laid off the comments after a couple of weeks..

PMSL at the Dutch accent. That's really hitting where it hurts: he might call her "hrandma!"

I never discussed feeding with family, even when she was born...I just got one out and got on with it...so to speak! I do think it is sad that people get such negative feedback on something so lovely, and personal. Ignore them.

I also think it is a shame that BF has this image of being really difficult, hard work etc...it is like childbirth, you only really hear the horror stories. People rarely start threads saying "BF is easy peasy, I sleep through most feeds and my DC is plumping up nicely." That would be dull wouldn't it! But the reality is that the human race is still in existence because of BF, so it is obviously an easy and natural thing. We are mammals! Yes, some people struggle...but millions don't. I fall into the latter camp.

NinkyNonker has put it very eloquently.

How about, the next time the subject gets raised, you look whomever right in the eye and say, OK, are you going to pay for a years's worth of formula milk for us, then?

Congrats OP.

I really don't get why you sought family advice approval when you're only 9 weeks though. It's a bit quick off the mark. You have alot to go through first.

Sod family approval, it's your baby, feed it the way you want to and as long as you and your DH are all for it that's all that matters.

Agree with A1980. Only both sets of grandparents knew about my pregnancies at 9 weeks. Telling grannies and sibs is a bit keen. I never discussed breastfeeding with my family until late pregnancy when asked. If they had been negative i'd have told them to shut up if they weren't going to be supportive. There is a difference between being unsupportive and sharing your disappointing experiences of breastfeeding though, in the same way people who had difficult labours are keen to join in conversations about labours. they aren't deliberately trying to put you off, they are just sharing their experiences.
We don't only listen to positive experiences of most aspects of life so why should labour and child rearing be different.
If they start on "I had a crap time/ difficulty breastfeeding so you will too" then I'd tell them to keep their negative opinions to theirselves, as that isn't helpful.
Other pregnant mothers/ midwives/ health visitors/ NCT are generally more helpful than relatives who tend not to treat you with much respect.

In first sentence I mean the foetuses potential grandparents knew, but my grandparents didn't.

Learn from this early mistake, your baby, your body and nobody else's business, just ddo it don't discuss it.
I apparently bit my mother age 3 days old and that was the end of her breast feeding, I did it on purpose you see or at least that was how it was described to justify her actions and why bbaies shouldn't be allowed near boobs.
I fed DD3 until she was 2.5 just to see the family's faces

get ready to face the onslaught, this is not the only matter they gonna have something to say about! just nod ur head and laugh it off!

Just bear in mind that both you and your baby will have to learn. In some ways it can be just like learning to ride a bike - there will be days when you think you will never manage it, but once you've both got the knack of it, you'll wonder why you ever worried.

I wanted to bf, and did for about 20 months.

However, I believed all the rubbish in the bounty booklet, which didn't tell me that it had to be learned. Prem babies don't have the same powerful sucking reflex that full-term babies have, for example.

Another thing that caused misunderstandings was the mw/hv told us to rest in the afternoons - it means sleep, not sit watching tv, as it's when you're asleep that you produce some of the hormones that help the production of the richer hind-milk. This helps to satisfy babies instead of the less-rich sugary fore-milk that gives them wind.

Make sure you have your Boots' advantage card and, if needed, gripe water is very useful, as is teething gel. I used teething gel after I fed while dc was cutting molars - there is nothing quite like having a baby grinding their emerging molars on your nipples - with teething gel before a feed, I escaped undamaged.

look whether you BF or not is a personal choice. I don't think you can expect support from your family, no, not necessarily. But you can find support from your midwife, your health visitor, your breast feeding contacts at the NCT and possibly your fellow new mums.

When you get started, don't let them undermine you and make you worry about things.

Most of the time it's fine, BF babies feed a lot - they're supposed to because the food is digested fast, it's hard work for a couple of weeks (when you don't really want to let the baby go anyhow, so BF is actually a brilliant excuse to hold onto him/her) then it just gets easier and easier, and nicer and nicer.

I'm at 6 months now, and ease of never having to worry about bottles, clean water, and the grins and happiness I'm greeted with at each feeding makes any bruised nipples at first worth it.

and if you feel sorry for your DP because he doesn't get to participate, don't worry - mine watched on in awe when the baby was little and now he helps with weaning instead.

A friend had this problem and no one could understand her decision and, in fact, her sister got a bit shirty about it as she had a baby the year before and ff. She got really defensive.

But my friend persevered and successfully breastfed both her DCs. She just found other support networks.

Are you me, OP? :)

I had big problems BF DS1 and ended up FF so I was determined to succeed with DS2. My entire family is anti-BF with the exception of one aunt. ILs are not so but have very conservatice ideas about how "appropriate" it is in certain situations.

My Nan in particular seems to have made it her mission to make me stop. I've heard every kind of emotional blackmail - my son will be clingy, DH "won't get to know his son", etc, etc. Every time my son has a growth spurt it's because my milk isn't enough.

I would recommend:

• Educate yourself about BF. I read the NCT book. You need to know what to expect in order to have confidence in the face of criticism
• Don't talk about it with them unless you have to

My DS2 is now 11wks and we're happily flying in the face of my relatives. Can't wait to inform them that I'll be BLW this one...! :o

Squitten I was really quite miffed at their reaction, I thought that what with the NHS promoting BF so much nowadays for health benefits, not to mention the financial pluses as Fetchez raised, and convenience factor, they would be all for it.

SecondComing the issue was raised when discussing sterilisers and I mentioned I was hoping I wouldn't need one at the start due to BF. It really felt like I'd said I dirty word and I think they automatically expecting I would FF as SIL did.

I realise at 9 weeks this is very early to be discussing but I am rubbish at keeping secrets and like to plan ahead, hence the fact I've told practically everyone I know and have been looking at prams already.