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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some help round the house?

35 replies

hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 15:23

I work full time, I study in the evening, i also have fibromyalgia.

My other half doesn't live here but near as damnnit does, he's unemployed (due to redundancy) and during the day just loafs around 'job hunting' (although my PS3 games seem to be multiplying...) nothing gets done round the flat, I leave for the school run in the morning and then don't come home until after 6 and the flat is the same, if not worse, as when I left i am then expected to cook dinner etc.

AIBU to just want SOMETHING done around the house? even if it's just cooking dinner and running the broom and mop round the floors just to take the edge off what I have to do.

Would you expect someone who doesn't live with you but is round your house 90% of the time to contribute to the housework?

OP posts:
manicbmc · 20/02/2011 15:25

I'd expect him to either move in properly and contribute to everything or tell him to sling his hook during the day and spend his time 'job hunting' using his own electricity/gas in his own home.

moondog · 20/02/2011 15:26

Why asre you with ihm?
He sounds dreadful.

Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 15:28

Im begining to wonder that myself moondog :( he is a good man, but has a lot of family commitments and is a carer for two disabled relatives which he says prohibits him from getting a 'proper' job.

To my mind if he just admits he doesn't want a job and moves in to run the house, i can ditch the childminder and lose a lot of the stress I'm under. But half the problem is getting him to admit this.

OP posts:
pozzled · 20/02/2011 15:30

YANBU. If he is there the majority of the time I would expect him to clear up after himself, run the hoover around occasionally and share the cooking and washing up as an absolute minimum. There's no way I would be cooking meals for him every day if I was at work and he was home all day.

Does he contribute financially to food and bills?

manicbmc · 20/02/2011 15:30

So he wants his cake and eat it then?

Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 15:31

pretty much manic

pozzled yes he gets the food shopping in

OP posts:
moondog · 20/02/2011 15:32

God, gert rid of him asap. You can't base a relatiionshio on a bloke being around to watch your kid/s.

LoisLame · 20/02/2011 15:33

YANBU. Agree with manicbmc. Don't know how PS3s work - can it be password protected? I'm on maternity leave and feel like the daily washing up is the least I can do but I do expect my DH to cook when he isn't on a late shift. Just out of curiosity, how many jobs has he applied for this month?

Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 15:36

moondog i didn't mean it to sound like that. I do love him, he is a good man, he is a huge emotional support to me at the moment we do have a good social life other than his laziness it's all fine. Something as simple as helping with childcare would, to me, show he's putting into the family iyswim.

He's applied for a LOT of jobs - some online that i dont know about but i do know i've been posting a lot on the way to work.

OP posts:
moondog · 20/02/2011 15:39

Sorry, I knowe you didn't. I was saying it for you really. Personally speaking I would go off a bloke like this really fast, so it sounds like you are sort of convincing yuorself it could work.

I doubt it will.

Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 15:41

I am going off him tbh and i do wonder if i'm only with him partly because of the emotional support he provides and partly because i don't want men wandering in and out our lives iyswim.

Need another row discussion to clear the air i think.

OP posts:
moondog · 20/02/2011 15:47

How can you argue he is a 'huge emotional support' whe n he spends all day playing games at your house!

How old is he?
13?

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 15:49

How is he doing his "caring" if he is lazing around your flat all day?

moondog · 20/02/2011 15:50

Yes, good point too Squeaky.

Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 15:56

The 'caring' is done as and when needed - shopping, medical appointment runs, odd job man etc which constitutes a phone call from one of them and he jumps to it.

The more i sit here and think on it the more i do think im justifying why im with him rather than enjoying being with him.

OP posts:
moondog · 20/02/2011 16:01

He could do most of that around a job-just like other people have to.

What is the nature of the 'emotional support'

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 16:04

Look at it this way. While you are out at work, he is using your gas and electric. Sod that!... tell him to stay indoors at his own house because your bills are too high and you cant afford it. See if he offers to pay anything towards them.

Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 16:08

I'm under a lot of stress at work, my ex is threatening legal action regarding custody, financially things are very tight and my health is failing fast. He listens, puts up with me when i'm on a downer, offers good advice, helps practically with regards helping get appointments etc in place. Does the verbal equivilent of a slap round the face when i'm being daft about things, helps me stay grounded and keep things in perspective.

I'm very prone to being led by my emotions and he very much keeps me grounded and is very pragmatic in his approach to problem solving.

Most of all, though, he makes me laugh and makes me feel good about myself, makes me feel confident and as a family we have a lot of fun. It's just the non-contributory nature of him thats driving me nuts.

Wonder if part of it is he has his own place (that his lodger maintains) and so can't see why he'd have to look after another place, after all this is my home, not his, and therefore my responsibility.

Having a total brain fart here sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 16:10

Squeaky tbh i did bring that up a while ago. Even said he could take my PS3 with him and borrow it if it meant that much to him!

We need a 'now or never' discussion i think and just need to work out what i can bring to the table iyswim.

OP posts:
moondog · 20/02/2011 16:13

'Puts up with you'???
It sounds like it#s the other way round tbh.

Plenty of people in my life can be fun to be around. That's great. But if I choose to be with somebody, they need to offer a damn sight more than that. My dh is cleaning the cars and doing the dishes. That's a whole lot more use to me than him being generally 'supportive'.

FabbyChic · 20/02/2011 16:14

Sorry but I would not expect someone who does not live with me to do it. To be honest once you leave the house so should he. If he does not live there what is he doing there making a mess, send the fucker home.

Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 16:15

Moondog, i can whinge and whine a lot lol he doesn't see it as 'putting up with me' thats how i phrase it because i wouldn't want a friend that complains as much as me lol

Yeah thats the bit i am struggling with getting him to see tbh as thats the bit i really need the help with. As I say though a 'now or never' conversation is needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
hardhatdonned · 20/02/2011 16:17

Thanks for the blunt replies btw it's got me thinking.

OP posts:
moondog · 20/02/2011 16:18

Well he owesd you a listening ear at the veey least as payment for sitting aroiund your house all day on his arse playing games eh?

How old?

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 16:19

He does sound a nice enough bloke and is supportive in emotional ways too by what you say.

How long have you been together?

Would it be easier if he did move in properly on the understanding that he helps out with housework and stuff in the daytime.

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