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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it is slightly odd that male members of DH's family ask me if I'm breastfeeding?

72 replies

CrapBag · 20/02/2011 13:41

Ok, I know I have issues where men are concerned, some unpleasent experiences in my past that I don't want to go in to.

But I just find it odd that my FIL and DH's uncle both asked, almost straight away, if I am breastfeeding my DD.

My dad or grandad, brothers or friends DH's would never dream of asking such a question. I don't really want to discuss my boobs with men and I have no idea why they would even ask in the first place. I answered, because, as is my way, is to answer questions far too honestly and just feel a bit uncomfortable later on, plus I don't know how to say "I don't want to discuss my boobs with you thanks".

Does anyone else think it is unusual or am I just a bit weird?

OP posts:

Galdem · 20/02/2011 14:23

It's not taboo, it's just odd. Why make conversation about how a baby takes its milk? What would the correct response be to either answer (FF/BF) anyway? 'Oh that's nice'. Um, it's not exactly a conversation starter, is it?

It's like that other thread at the moment about people asking you if your baby 'is a good baby'? It's weird. Just because it is a common (inane) question for people to ask new mothers doesn't make it OK. It is still inane, nosy and to be honest - does the questioner really give a fuck about the answer?

Maybe next time I will just lighten up and ask the 'are you breastfeeding?' peeps whether they spit or swallow. I mean, I don't want to e thought of as a paranoid prude

magicmummy1 · 20/02/2011 14:25

I don't think you should read anything into it - it's a perfectly normal question. Yes, it's nosy in a way, and people don't need to know, but they're just making polite conversation.

constantlywrong · 20/02/2011 14:31

YABU. It's nice of them to take an interest in that stuff.

Ragwort · 20/02/2011 14:41

octopusinabox - I do think it is because it is quite a 'loaded' question - there is a hidden (or not so hidden) agenda that 'breast is best' and therefore to ask might be a critcism if the answer is formula feeding.

I am incredibly chatty & confident, (I LOVED people touching/cooing over my new baby) I never have problems talking to random strangers, I am often asked to talk to 'new' people in various situations - committees, church, school, work environment etc so I don't think I am at all shy but this is just one question I would never think it is appropriate to ask. I have done a lot of (voluntary) work with new mothers and it is a very sensitive area and I just don't think it is an appropriate question. In most cases it is soon fairly obvious how a mother is feeding her baby so (if necessary) the conversation can lead on from there.

Sorry to go on - not sure why I am getting so involved in this discussion but I just feel it is far too personal an issue to be asked about - a bit like asking how/when your baby was concieved, if it was a mistake and do you want to keep it - yes, I have been asked all those questions !

lesley33 · 20/02/2011 14:54

YABU. It is one of the small talk questions many people now ask about babies. TBH they may not have cared what your answer was, but just trying to show an interest.

lesley33 · 20/02/2011 14:55

Also as men they may not have realised that it can be a sensitive question for many mums.

Confuzzeled · 20/02/2011 14:58

Sorry but YABU, my dh has asked my friends how they're feeding as he understands what we went through feeding our kids. It changes the dynamic of the first few months so I can imagine why close family would want to know.

If you are bf, then your doing something really amazing for your lo. If your not, then be confident in your choice or accept the position your in, your doing the most you can for your baby.

tyler80 · 20/02/2011 15:00

I think whether it's a loaded question very much depends on the attitude of the mother being asked. Some people choose to see judgment where often there's none, I prefer to assume there is no judgment implied until it explicitly becomes clear that there is. It makes for a much nicer life.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 15:04

Sorry, but YABU, there are only so many questions that anyone can ask about a newborn... its just polite conversation when you want to try and show an interest in the baby...

lesley33 · 20/02/2011 16:00

Yes I agree squeakytoy. Its like asking what their weight is. I ask this to show interest, but unless the babies weight is at eithjer extreme end, I don't really care TBH. But I do want to show an interest in the new baby.

NestaFiesta · 20/02/2011 16:03

YABU

Breastfeeding is not sexual or personal.

2, Men are allowed to take a detailed interest in baby rearing.

Firawla · 20/02/2011 16:03

op i do get what you mean so ill go for yanbu as you seem to have got so many yabu
i also dont particularly like it if people ask when its a women you dont even know at all, as it comes across as nosiness at times?

Ariesgirl · 20/02/2011 16:03

I would feel uncomfortable too.

fatlazymummy · 20/02/2011 16:19

I agree with the OP. I do think it's a little odd. I don't think any of my male relatives/inlaws would have ever asked me that and if they had done I would have asked them why they wanted to know.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 20/02/2011 16:27

Yabu, and reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaallyyyyyyyyyyyyy don't take this the wrong way but I reaaly think men can't chuffin win sometimes.

PorkChopSter · 20/02/2011 16:43

I was once asked whether I was "feeding" my baby by someone too embarrassed to say the B word.

"Yes, I am feeding her. I think you have to."

rodformyownback · 20/02/2011 17:03

I think it's lovely that they're interested in your baby. And obviously they're asking about dc's diet, not about your breasts, or they would be too embarrassed to ask! I mean, before baby was born did they ever ask you about your breasts??

Lol Porkchopster - lots of folk have asked me if I'm feeding ds2 "myself". Er, no, I can't be arsed so I have the nanny do it!

MissMarjoribanks · 20/02/2011 17:07

Lots of people have asked me this. Never bothered me in the slightest. It is a question about the child and also, I think, in relation to the mother's welfare - many people will, rightly or wrongly, assume a bfing mother needs a greater level of care i.e. regular snacks, drinks, etc.

In fact the most recent person to ask was a male colleague at work who I have known for all of 6 weeks. It was in the context of a discussion about night feeds and was asked in front of the whole office. I didn't think it was weird or intrusive and I simply answered that I breastfed.

Georgimama · 20/02/2011 17:07

YABU and I agree with cheesetoastie. They're just interested in your child. They aren't actually interested in your breasts.

MissMarjoribanks · 20/02/2011 17:08

I was once asked by another mother who was actually bfing herself at the time, if I fed my DS 'myself'... Words failed me.

belgo · 20/02/2011 17:10

Missmarhoriebanks - she breastfed herself? How impressive.

OP there is so much stuff in the news about bfing and bottlefeeding, that it has come much more to the forefront, and people are more inclined to ask how you are feeding your baby.

MissMarjoribanks · 20/02/2011 18:33

belgo -

Tokyotwist · 20/02/2011 18:48

I don't think YABU. I don't think there is anything sexual in them asking but I do think it's a bit of a daft question.

Why should they care, unless their intention is to make sure you are looking after their relative in whichever way they deem proper?

If it's just conversation as others have suggested, it's still daft, but perhaps understandable.

I can't imagine my dad or brother asking this.

Original poster

CrapBag · 20/02/2011 19:41

I had typed out a reply ages ago then a visitor turned up and I didn't post it.

I was going to say that I actually don't ask any mothers this question and would probably find it odd if a woman asked me (unless they were a health professional and had a reason to ask). I haven't been asked by any women though so I do find it weird that men (much older) want to know how I am feeding my baby.

And for the record, I love it when random people come and coo over my baby.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 20/02/2011 20:12

Missmarhoriebanks "Are you feeding him yourself?" has been a euphemism for breastfeeding round here for a looooong time. I think it must hark back to times when "breast" was a rude word.

CrapBag, I really wouldn't think it was an odd question from anyone, to me it's just one of those questions people ask about babies. And when you think of it, there really isn't much to ask about babies, they don't do much other than feed, sleep and cry so really, it's only one of three questions anyone can ask!

Do you think they mean it in a sexual way? I would be very, very surprised if they did. In my family, my Mum and all my aunts breastfed and it wouldn't occur to anyone that if you were asking about bfing that it would be anything but a baby-related question. But, then it is the sort of family where no-one would bat an eyelid if you were bfing at the dinner table.

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