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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's smoking is affecting our relationship

35 replies

pigstrotters · 20/02/2011 10:17

I know there have been some smoking threads recently, but I'm honestly not looking for a fight but genuinely would like to know whether I am being unreasonable.

Background - my DH is 52 years old and I am 10 years younger. We have 3 kids under the age of five and the 3rd was unplanned but very welcome.

DH was a 40/day smoker when I met him 8 years ago but gave up within 2 months as I was quite clear about my views on having a long term relationship with a smoker.

Both his parents died before the age of 70 of COPD and lung cancer ( both heavy smokers) and my father died very young - also smoking related.

DH started smoking again ( in secret) after our first child was born and has been doing so ever since. He probably smokes between 5 - 10 per day ( I know because I secretly do a stock take of his cigarette packet in his jacket that makes me feel very sneaky) He says he wants to stop but never does.

My emotions have gone through one of support, anger, ignoring him, threatening him...you name it. My overwhelming feeling is that he is being totally selfish to not sacrifice his crutch for the sake of his longevity and hence his kids happiness. I am aware it is an addiction but he totally agrees with me when I say that it's not the giving up that's hard - it's the staying off and needing to cope with the feelings in life that make you do it in the first place.

I feel I would go to the moon and back to protect my children who are the most precious things in the world to me and can't understand why he can't be the same.

No matter how much I try, I just can't be the same with him and I feel I have lost a lot of respect for him as he we no longer share the same values. And I'm not even sure counselling would make any difference.

On the other hand, he is a fantastic dad to the kids, very supportive of me and my career and we share very similar values in other ways.

Should I just try and move on from this ( if possible) and try to go into the same denial that smokers must go into?

OP posts:
hairylights · 20/02/2011 10:20

Yes, you should try and move on. As an ex smoiker, I can tell you that the only way he will give up is if HE really wants to. Nagging etc won't help.

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 20/02/2011 10:20

You can ban him from smoking in the house/around the children but other than that... He was a smoker when you met him, you cannot force him to change.

Original poster
pigstrotters · 20/02/2011 10:23

I am aware that it needs to come from him.

What worries me is that if it were not for the kids - this would be enough for me to want to walk away. But I wouldn't do that as I know the kids will suffer more.

OP posts:
hairylights · 20/02/2011 10:27

Then you've answered your own question. You need to get over it for the sake of your family OR you need to split up.

Are there other issues? To split up over him
smoking 10 a day seems quite harsh to me ... What are his redeeming features? What, apart from having kids together, makes you want to be with him?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/02/2011 10:38

OP... I can absolutely recommend the Allan Carr 'Easyway to stop smoking' book. It was really excellent and worked for me (and my Mum) first time. There are also seminars available (about £250 for the day, I think).

If you can, try to focus on the smoking issue rather than the smoker.. he will feel bad enough as it is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/02/2011 10:41

I forgot to add... according to the AC method, giving up is easy, cutting down is impossible - and I think he's right. It's so liberating for a smoker to kick the habit and more importantly, feel absolutely free of it.

Galdem · 20/02/2011 10:44

This is very worrying.

At 52 yrs old and as a father of three tiny children - and with a history of death due to smoking related illness in his family - it really is startlingly self-destructive that he continues to smoke. ha she made a proper attempt to give up? With support, I mean?

I have smoked on and off for years, including starting again after my first child was born, but there has to come a point when you can see how dangerous a game it is, and that point should have come years ago with him.

I am watching my father (60 yrs old) slowly suffocate to death with emphysema and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy Sad.

This would be a deal breaker for me, too, I'm afraid.

purepurple · 20/02/2011 10:45

DH used to be a smoker, although he never smoked in the house. What made him give up for the final time was when DD spotted him out of her bedroom window smoking in the garage. She gave him such a lecture, she was about 5 at the time at very dramatic "Daddy, you could blow up the garage!" Grin
Just talk to him and try and let him know you are worried about him and his health and that you will support him in trying to give up.

FabbyChic · 20/02/2011 10:51

When you met him he smoked why are you trying to change him?

hairylights · 20/02/2011 10:52

I think some people are missing the point. HE diesnt want to give up. Allan carr only works Ifyou want it to.

portaloo · 20/02/2011 10:53

I never ever wanted to give up smoking, my family all wanted me too. I couldn't bring myself to give up for, in my eyes, my family. (Meaning the family who mentioned it and nagged about it, ie: mother, sister, not DC).

I borrowed a book from the library, out of interest more than anything, and read it while in a nice hot bath.

The more I read, the more I felt really motivated to give up smoking. The book explained why we really smoke, why we find it so hard to give up, and basically the psychology behind the addiction. It was truly enlightening and I got out of the bath and within 24hrs, I had given up. I went from 20 a day to none, and I didn't avoid smokers/ashtrays/pubs like some do. I'd only given up temporarily before, and always with aids like patches/inhalators so this was completely cold turkey, yet it was by far the easiest way I'd ever given up. Virtually no withdrawal.

Would recommend to anyone!!

The only other thing I would recommend, which I tried before the book, is going to the Dr's and trying Zyban or I think they do Champix now.

TBH with you, every time someone rolled their eyes, complained how I smelt after smoking, lectured me because thats how I saw it about smoking, it just made me dig my heels in more, felt like they were trying to control me.

Just my experience btw.

Hope it helps.

Piggyleroux · 20/02/2011 10:55

Pigstrotters I could have written your post. My dh is a doctor and smokes. An oncologist with an interest in lung cancer and he smokes. Ffs.

I have tried threats, you name it but nothing works.

He will only stop when he wants to.

Galdem · 20/02/2011 10:55

I didn't really want to give up when I read Allen Carr. I partly liked the idea of reading it because you can continue to smoke while you read the book. I used to chain smoke in the garden while reading it at a leisurely pace.

Bloody worked, though!

Original poster
pigstrotters · 20/02/2011 10:58

I did not "try and change him". I merely stated ( at he start of our relationship) that I didn't mind having a fling but no way did I wish to pursue a long term relationship with a smoker as I was all too aware of the effects of premature death of a parent on children.

As for kids - my 4 year old has seen him and gets very upset at the thought that it may wel kill him as he has been raised to receive honest answers to questions ( he know all about how babies are made in great detail!!) Grin

With regards to Alan Carr etc, DH is the type of person that is very scathing of self help, counselling, navel gazing etc despite the fact I have had counselling in the past and feel it's really the only way to change the effects of the past on you.

OP posts:
portaloo · 20/02/2011 11:00

Just realised I didn't say which book it was Grin

Gillian Riley - How to stop smoking and stay stopped for good.

(No scare stories either, personally I didn't find scare stories effective enough to motivate me for very long)

FabbyChic · 20/02/2011 11:02

He is going to die one day anyway, he may never get cancer, you don't have to smoke to get cancer and die from it.

My nan lived until 76 and smoked 60 a day. My mother is 72 had a heart bypass and smokes 40 a day.

Me thinks you worry too much about something that might never happen.

He smokes a relatively small amount, let him have his luxury.

It is you that has caused your child to become upset with your constant mithering that smoking will kill him. A bus could kill him tomorrow would you blame that on smoking.

IloveJudgeJudy · 20/02/2011 11:03

I think yabu. He was a smoker when you met. He's only smoking 5-10 per day now. so long as he's not smoking in the house, then that's really fine. He's an adult and can make his own choices.

As an ex-smoker I can tell you that he will only give up when HE wants to.

I think it would be really silly just to break up over this. Perhaps there are other things going on in the relationship that you haven't mentioned here?

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 20/02/2011 11:05

But you have pursued a long term relationship with him.

Look at it this way. Yes he smokes which is bad. However, he is also a good father and husband. Nobody is perfect.

If you leave him, presumably he will still see the children? So if he dies prematurely they will still have to endure the pain of it, on top of all the drama of your divorce.

You took him on as smoker. You've made your bed am afraid.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/02/2011 11:05

Hairy... I kind of agree with you but, whilst I wanted to stop smoking, my Mum didn't. She really didn't. She'd tried different methods before and all of them depend on the smoker wanting to stop.

Sorry if you already know the method but, Allan Carr's method is different. You can carry on smoking whilst you're reading the book and while you smoke you read about all the excuses that smokers use to carry on. It's apparently the excuses that make smokers want to continue and when they were removed, so was the wish to smoke... that was our experience anyway.

AgeingGrace · 20/02/2011 11:05

YABU I'm afraid. He's not surrounding the DCs in a thick fog of smoke, it's not illegal and he's not spending money the family needs for food/heating. You were BU to demand that he stop smoking and he was BU to agree (the things we think we can do for love, hey?!)

5 fags a day outside the home is a good compromise. Live with it, and get on with the rest of your marriage!

NestaFiesta · 20/02/2011 11:06

hairylights- No Allen Carr's book can be read by people who don't want to give up too. It has kind of a magical effect and it encourages you to smoke whilst reading it. By the end of the book, that bit of paper with tobacco in it seems ludicrous.

I would recommend it to anybody. it actually made me excited about giving up.

As for you OP- I see your point. I was a chain smoker who gave up the second I got pregnant. I happily and easily made the sacrifice and it annoys me when people don't see the privelege of children as being the best pay off ever to kicking grubby habits.

I see your DH's struggle, but it is only fear of a non smoking life holding him back. The reality of a non smoking life is rather wonderful.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/02/2011 11:06

high-fives Galdem Grin

OP, maybe get the book yourself and read it... it will be an eyeopening for you as somebody who has never smoked.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/02/2011 11:07

and NestaFiesta Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/02/2011 11:10

Piggyleroux... If you DH hasn't read the AC book, he might find that its logic appeals to him as a doctor.

wellwisher · 20/02/2011 11:44

She didn't "take him on as a smoker". She made her feelings clear, he gave up smoking for her, she had his baby, THEN he started smoking again.

OP, YANBU. But I'm not sure what you can do. What does your dh have to say for himself?

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