DH's smoking is affecting our relationship

[pigstrotters]

I know there have been some smoking threads recently, but I'm honestly not looking for a fight but genuinely would like to know whether I am being unreasonable.

Background - my DH is 52 years old and I am 10 years younger. We have 3 kids under the age of five and the 3rd was unplanned but very welcome.

DH was a 40/day smoker when I met him 8 years ago but gave up within 2 months as I was quite clear about my views on having a long term relationship with a smoker.

Both his parents died before the age of 70 of COPD and lung cancer ( both heavy smokers) and my father died very young - also smoking related.

DH started smoking again ( in secret) after our first child was born and has been doing so ever since. He probably smokes between 5 - 10 per day ( I know because I secretly do a stock take of his cigarette packet in his jacket that makes me feel very sneaky) He says he wants to stop but never does.

My emotions have gone through one of support, anger, ignoring him, threatening him...you name it. My overwhelming feeling is that he is being totally selfish to not sacrifice his crutch for the sake of his longevity and hence his kids happiness. I am aware it is an addiction but he totally agrees with me when I say that it's not the giving up that's hard - it's the staying off and needing to cope with the feelings in life that make you do it in the first place.

I feel I would go to the moon and back to protect my children who are the most precious things in the world to me and can't understand why he can't be the same.

No matter how much I try, I just can't be the same with him and I feel I have lost a lot of respect for him as he we no longer share the same values. And I'm not even sure counselling would make any difference.

On the other hand, he is a fantastic dad to the kids, very supportive of me and my career and we share very similar values in other ways.

Should I just try and move on from this ( if possible) and try to go into the same denial that smokers must go into?

OP YANBU

You made your feelings clear at the beginning. He then had a choice either to give up or walk away, he chose the former.

When you meet someone, you either take them warts and all or not at all. Anything else leads to heartache. It doesn't matter if they promise to change. If they change purely to please a partner and not themselves, it will not work.

I don't understand how anyone can 'smoke in secret.' It makes you smell of smoke! How can you kiss someone when their breath smells of smoke and not realise they are smoking?

When I first met my (now ex) husband I made some chance remark about how I couldn't see myself going out with a smoker. He gave up, presumably to up his chances. NB... HIS CHOICE. For ever after, the 'I gave up smoking for you' thing came back to haunt me. Every argument would finish with him petulantly reaching for a packet of fags in a 'look what you made me do' sort of way. If he was unhappy with me, out would come the lighter - it was so bloody childish it was unbe-fucking-lievable.

We split up for other reasons but the selfish crap about cigarettes was one of many last straws.

I once dropped a colleague in it really badly. His wife rang to see whether he'd left the office - I had a scout round, couldn't see him but told her he must still be at work as his jacket & cigarettes were there. "His WHAT???!!!", she gasped

Oh, dear

PigsTrotter I could have written your post 5 years ago.

My DH also gave up, then started again. I tried everything to try to get him to stop again.

He did eventually stop, after collapsing and being rushed to hospital(he was 40 and I had to watach all of this]

It took them 24 hours to find out it was it pnuemonia, he spent 3 nights on a high dependency ward, surrounded by 60 year olds on oxegen. He had to listen to them struggling to breath all night.

He also had a full body scan. He told me afterwards, that he was frightened to death. He was convinced he had lung cancer, and that when he got the all clear from the scan he decided there and then that he waould give up. I actually didn't believe him, but he has never smoked since. To be honest if he hadn't stopped smoking after what we had all been through, I would have told him I was leaving.

It was only after this experience that I understood the cliche "he has to want to stop". I would try sitting your DH down again, and calmly telling him how much you love him, and how every time he smokes it really upsets you. Ask him truthfully if he wants to stop. If he says no, then tell him "ok, that's your choice, but be aware, everytime you smoke it upsets me and it affects the way I behave towards you. I feel resentment that you care more about smoking than my feelings."

See what he says and take things from there.

YABU - hes smoking a few cigs a day, not doing slugs of coke infront of the kids. Get some perspective.

I think you may need to let this one go.

I'm a non smoker. I have never smoked.

However, I am led to believe that giving up is not particularly easy.

He shouldn't smoke. Nobody should.

However, he could be doing an awful lot worse.

It is dangerous. However, he is not smoking on you or the children. He is not pregnant (I assume). He is an adult.

He may give up by himself. Even if not, he may well be lucky. Plus, he's not smoking 40 a day.

I'm not saying it's right. But it could be far more wrong.

I have the same issue as you do OP, except that I and my husband are much younger than you are and my DH has been smoking since 19 yrs old. Although I knew that he smoked before we married I had no idea to what extend. We now have a little baby and he refuses to give up smoking he even smokes in the house when my baby is around. I am desperate to get him to stop I have also tried with begging and pleading and tears but to no avail. I've come to realize that addictions ride over any realistic concepts. My DH is very sensible man but when it comes to smoking he is so unreasonable, he MUST want to stop on his own. I am with you and understand what you are going through, I only hope that by the time my DH reaches 50 it will be long since he has quit.

Thanks for all the replies. I have just got back from the shops and bought the Alan Carr book - I think I will read it first before giving it to DH.

I don't think my DS needs me to be upset about smoking. He is a very bright boy and fully aware of the fact that 3 of his grandparents died of smoking related illnesses ( not thru me ramming it down his throat but by asking very innocent legitimate questions and we did not feel any reason to hide the truth from him)

And I didn't try to change anyone - he fell in love with me and WANTED to give up. But that was when life was smelling of roses and we didn't have the stress of 3 small kids and all that goes with it.

Quicklooksbusy - I'm glad you got things sorted out - even if it did need an illness to do that. My fear is that it will take something similar for DH - except it won't be as simple as pneumonia but something much more serios such as a stroke or cancer. ( after all he is 52 now)

If I was readingthis post and he was 32 I would think I was being very unreasonable but I can't stop thinking he is 52 with 3 small kids.