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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I should be forced out of my own home to allow the PILs to visit.......

50 replies

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 10:02

A little scene setting:
DH and I are not getting on, probably should consider counselling or splitting up
PILs have always been awful to me, having a go at me about things when DH is not around but never saying anything to him
MIL told DH to block my access to his bank account
FRom the start MIL has praised DH's exes, FIL has been a crude, rude sexist twat (wondered if babies would be sucking my tits...)
PILs have never respected this as my home, always thought of it as DH's and therefore would never ask if it was okay to come just turn up for the weekend, which was Thursday to Tuesday...they would also bring pets.

So after enduring 12 years of this shit, including being made to feel like the outsider in my own home, I have said enough's enough and I didn't want to spend another second in their company. DH and I are just about staying together and they make everything worse. However DCs love their GPs and so DH can take them to visit (petrol money allowing) and they can visit when I have other plans.

So with Dcs birthday coming up there's no spare money and so I've nowhere to go and DH told his parents they can visit next weekend. I don't mind when I can go and visit my friend for the weekend, but have no money. I think he should wait until I can be elsewhere at my pleasure not forced out of my own house.

OP posts:
MatureUniStudent · 20/02/2011 10:07

omgoodness. Your DH allows his parents to talk to you that way? Do the PIL offer to pay to have the grandchildren and your partner over to theirs? Being a bolshy woman, I would flatly refuse to allow the PIL to visit your house anymore because of the unpleasant manner in which they treat you. I would also be concerned that lack of respect is transmitted to your DC's.

atswimtwolengths · 20/02/2011 10:07

Absolutely agree with you! Why the hell should you have to leave your own home?

Tell your husband to phone them and arrange to take the children there on another date.

You are the mother of the birthday child; you get to spend the birthday at home.

I wouldn't stay, in that situation, though. Twelve years of feeling like an outsider? No way.

Original poster
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 10:08

I have but DH then told DD (aged 4) that I won't allow PILs to come here.....I just said they love her very much but they aren't good friends with Mummy....which is awful to pull her into this but I couldn't allow myself to be the bad guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 10:10

I think about leaving all the time, without doing a AIBU by stealth all is not well here....since yesterday I have been called a fat (I'm 8-10), slag, cunt, bitch, slut, whore and been pushed....apparently I need to stop saying things in front of the dcs, like 'don't push me'.

OP posts:
Original poster
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 10:11

right, need to bugger off for a second and focus on dcs....or I'll spend the next hour on MN!!!

OP posts:
Takeresponsibility · 20/02/2011 10:13

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. The PIL want to visit their grandchildren for their birthdays(s), the children want to see them. They want to see their son and their son wants to see them. "Your" home is just as much DH's home and the DC's home, it is only you who doesn't want to see PIL, so why should everyone else "wait on your pleasure"?

If they wanted to visit every other day then fair enough but this is the birthday weekend when veryone hs to get on for the sake of the birthday girl/boy gritted teeth or otherwise.

The issue is really your marriage and you and DH need to get a grip and arrange a long talk/counselling etc. Do it before PIL come and you can state as one of your deal-breakers that PIL comments/interference/dictating when they arrive/bringing pets needs to be renegotiated.

moomaa · 20/02/2011 10:14

I think what you told your dd was fine, I always knew that my MIL didn't like my mother, and I wasn't stupid I could see some of it for myself. I was glad mum and dad acknowledged that rather than pretend everything was fine.

I also think that you need to feel secure in your own home so yanbu to ask your h to keep your pils away whilst you sort out your marital problems.

moomaa · 20/02/2011 10:16

my mum's MIL rather

Takeresponsibility · 20/02/2011 10:17

Ah, all the replies to this post and the info on the DV have emerged whilst I was typing. This changes things entirely. You need to see a solicitor about a non-occupation and non-molestation order, there is no way "D"H should be shoving you, and certainly not in front of the children.

Forget the PIL they are merely an irritant and not the main issue at present.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/02/2011 10:19

Poor OP... horrible situation. :(

First decide whether you and DH are going to stay together or not? If yes, you need to explain to him that things are going to change and that you need to present a united front. He needs to understand that his parents will not change and for that reason, access to their GC should be via DH outside your home. You have no problem with that.

If you're not going to stay together, get some legal advice to progress it further. The PIL don't have automatic rights of access as far as I am aware. Keep up the communication with DH whatever the outcome and just do what's best for your DCs as you are.

There's absolutely no reason that I can think of that you should be suffering this abuse from your PIL.

Rhadegunde · 20/02/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TallyB · 20/02/2011 10:22

"since yesterday I have been called a fat (I'm 8-10), slag, cunt, bitch, slut, whore and been pushed"

Your H is doing this, or your PILs? Either way, it sounds as though your marriage is beyond help and you are most definitely not BU! If your H is treating you this way, or allowing his parents to then he is a pathetic little saddo; even more so if it is happening in front of your children. Not telling you what to do, but I'd seriously consider asking him to leave.

In the meantime, contact Womens' Aid www.womensaid.org.uk What you are describing is verbal and physical abuse.

FakePlasticTrees · 20/02/2011 10:28

Cancel the visit - do it yourself, not via DH. What have you to lose by calling MIL and telling her you don't want her staying in your home as she and her husband treat you like dirt and you've had enough of it. Tell them they are welcome to stay at a local hotel and your sure DH will take your DCs to them. (While you put your feet up in a nice empty house)

saffy85 · 20/02/2011 10:39

Whether it's PIL or DH calling you any of those names on a regular basis YANBU and you shouldn't put up with that shit. Ever.

I also think that although your PIL are total arseholes it's your relationship with your husband that is the major issue here and quite frankly if he is an abusive cunt as he appears to be and treats you with such disrespect, you should call it a day. He has let you be treated like this my his parents for 12 years, in your own home to boot and has done fuck all about it. He never will now.

emskaboo · 20/02/2011 10:53

Your DH sounds like a charmer. Is that the model of behaviour you wan your children to emulate? That it is ok to put up with being hit, or ok to hit/abuse others?

I cannot imagine how hard it must be to contemplate leaving a 12 year relationship, especially one where it sounds as if you are regularly undermined and devalued by those around you; which I must make it hard to feel confident in yourself.

However everyone is right, you can do this, please, please call Women's Aid and start working out how to safely get out of this relationship.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 20/02/2011 11:01

Bloody hell. Shock Why on earth are you wasting your time focusing on your shit in-laws when you need to be focusing on your verbally abusive husband! You should really get out of such a relationship, you know. It is damaging to you and it is damaging to your kids and gives them a fucked up view of relationships - which they may then reproduce.

Please get out.

Original poster
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 11:13

Right, thanks for the replies. I come from a DV situation as a child and have, seemingly, convinced myself that because I stand up for myself that I am not a 'victim' of abuse. I come round to this every few months, DH does something awful and truthfully I think I am partly to blame because I can belittle him, lately I have come to realise that I generally stick to facts and he does all the name calling. He's also nearly twice my weight and mush taller than me.

I don't love him, unlike my mother who was blinded by my father's love, I don't fancy him, I don't like or respect him. I keep hoping that things will change, but the excitement of the relationship has faded and now all I have is a bitterly unhappy woman that I no longer recognise.

I'm pretty shallow, have been my whole life, and the thought of being financially even more ruined is depressing.....but I know that the children would rather have a happy Mummy than a rich one! I'm horrible to my children, shout a lot. The only thing of any value was my looks and they've disappeared whilst I was looking elsewhere. I think I'm depressed, PMT isn't helping. I've forgotten what makes me happy, but it's not this. (I understand this self pitying shit isn't helping my AIBU and people are probably screaming at their screens to leave NOW....I know this is frustrating!!)

DH has been asked to look at working abroad, we were considering a whole family move for a couple of years....I think I may suggest he goes alone....

OP posts:
tulpe · 20/02/2011 11:14

If my DH called me any of the things you were called yesterday then I would have either kicked him out of the house or, if he refused to go, packed up me & DCs and walked out. There is always somewhere to go: be that Womens Aid or a friends sitting room floor. It may not be great but it is a hell of a lot better than staying with an abusive b*stard (I speak from bitter experience here).

You do not deserve to be treated this way and your DCs do not deserve to grow up amidst this kind of abuse.

Yes, your PILs are vile - particularly the comment you relayed by your FiL but they are not in your life day to day. Your DH is and you need to distance yourself immediately.

According to Womens Aid, 2 women a week are killed by an abusive partner. You do not want to join that statistic nor be one of those who stays alive but lives with the abuse.

Original poster
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 11:15

I often wonder when my 'line' retracted back to this far....What's my new 'line'? Punched? I just don't know.

OP posts:
tulpe · 20/02/2011 11:18

OP - your "line" - totally get that. Is it a kick? a slap? a punch? being strangled?

the abusive twat that I shared my life with for two whole years used to tell me "I didn't hit you, I slapped you"........because I was depressed and had zero self-esteem it made me feel I was over-reacting.

Funnily enough, when I finally called the police they didn't seem to think so.

BuzzLiteBeer · 20/02/2011 11:18

GET OUT. Do it NOW.

Original poster
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 11:20

I feel so embarrassed....if you met me you wouldn't know.

OP posts:
emskaboo · 20/02/2011 11:23

Please don't feel embarrassed, so many of us have been where you are. You can have a better life than this, your children can have a better life than this.

tulpe · 20/02/2011 11:25

OP - I get that too.

My then DP came from a wealthy family, privately educated, good job. I was a clinical psychologist. Not the (very inaccurate) stereotype of a situation ripe for DV.

It happens to so many people from so many different backgrounds and the most common aspect is that the victims hide it.

You have no need to feel any shame. However, only you can walk away from this. And if you chose to keep your children in that situation then I am afraid that is cause for you to be embarrassed. I know that's harsh but I think you need to address the bigger picture.

If your friend were relaying this story to you, wouldn't you say "sod the lifestyle, just get the hell out"?

Original poster
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 11:28

I still blame my mother for my own father's violence, he was violent toward my siblings and I too. I blame her for not leavingSad.

OP posts: