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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is a horrible question to ask a new mum?

72 replies

NosyRosie · 19/02/2011 20:48

"Is she a good baby?"

DD found the first months of life really tricky and was very unsettled so it was all quite hard work with not a lot of sleep.

I nearly cried whenever asked me if she was good because all I wanted to do was shout at them. I know they basically meant "is she easy and straight forward? Does she sleep whenever you want her to?" etc.

If the answer is 'no' then the way they've asked their question implies the baby isn't good

I generally managed to say something positive but it still makes me really sad thinking about it.

Maybe I shouldn't dwell on it but people really should think before asking stupid bloody questions.

OP posts:

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 19/02/2011 21:26

I got upset by it as well, the connotation that some babies could therefore be "bad".

then once i was on PND meds and felt a lot more cheerful i used to say "oh no he's a wee terror, he got his first ASBO last week"

either laughter or total cats bum mouth responses, either suited me!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/02/2011 21:29

Ha ha we used to call DC3 ASBO. We are such chavs (he is 7 now and we were right)

OliveMalay · 19/02/2011 21:32

YANBU.

I like tigitigi's answer that "all babies are good" :)

Original poster

NosyRosie · 19/02/2011 21:42

DD's is amazing now - really happy and sleeps much better (well, during the day anyway).

Bloody typical that no one asks me any more!

Maybe my MN car sticker should be 'Good baby on board'

OP posts:

Pterosaur · 19/02/2011 21:47

Then other mothers of newborn terrors would shunt you up the backside, Nosy.

DaffadownDilly · 19/02/2011 21:50

It's really just a generic pleasantry.

I was so tempted to answer honestly with DD2, but was afraid of scaring people off! Now she is the most lovely child ever.

ilovemyhens · 19/02/2011 22:22

It's usually asked out of concern for the mother's sanity - "is he/she good?" is really "is he/she allowing you to get any rest/sleep?"

breatheslowly · 19/02/2011 23:04

YANBU - I have always hated the question even though DD is what they mean by a a "good baby". I like to think that they are talking about good and evil and I don't think I have ever heard of an evil baby.

moomaa · 19/02/2011 23:09

Have new baby at the mo, my answer at the moment is 'she's taken a while to settle into life, but we're doing fine now :)' which is the truth. I have answered 'not sure, not getting much sleep' and 'yes, she's amazing', depending on how I am. People are just being interested.

cornslik · 19/02/2011 23:10

People are just showing an interest surely?

mmsmum · 19/02/2011 23:52

I think its just one of those things people say, usually without thinking! It would get me all confused too, I'd answer yes, of course she is, like I couldn't believe she could be anything different. I do think that people ought to ask what they mean i.e. is she sleeping through/does she cry a lot etc

cornslik · 19/02/2011 23:56

I never know what to say to mums with new babies. What do you say? Have you slept yet? Is your fanny fixed? It's a minefield.

Soups · 20/02/2011 00:40

It is a silly Q.

I agree with The Others above tho, that it's just chit chat. I've taken it as a quick way of asking if everything is fine, with the baby and me. They're not really asking if the baby has sold it's soul, in return for a nice voice + guitar, at the cross roads of vagina and the big wide world. I don't think they want a real answer.

My first wasn't a "good baby" and I often used to think when asked. It's an irritating question when you have a baby that doesn't sleep great and you can't put down. The old lady would usually then take a proper peek and realize that it wasn't an appropriate question . They'd then remark that he looked lively and a handful. Couldn't disagree. Tiny baby, with crazed wild eyes, peeks over the blanket, shoving it's feet into the face of anyone who dares enter his space.

With my second people would ask me how everything was and I'd answer with "You know how old people ask you if they're GOOD, well he is..". I'm keeping this one, even at 6 he's still pretty good. The temptation is strong to the sell the biggest child and go on a nice sitting on the beach holdiay with the youngest.

midnightservant · 20/02/2011 00:59

It's just a way of starting a conversation, what question would you prefer?

And yes, sometimes people would like to compare with their own babies, even if it's a long time ago, seeing other people's babies brings it all back, and it's nice to remember. You share with other mums who have babies now, why not share with other mums whose children are now grown up, who feel we are all mums together even if some of us are well past caring for our own children.

Original poster

NosyRosie · 20/02/2011 07:06

People I know it's just chit chat. All I'm saying is I think it could be worded differently. That's all.

OP posts:

cluelessnchaos · 20/02/2011 07:21

After 3 "good" dc I have a terrible one and I say that whilst laughing slightly hysterically. I couldn't care less if he fits the mold of perfect baby he's perfect to me but it probably would have bothered me with dd1

BalloonSlayer · 20/02/2011 07:25

Just say: "Yes! She's PERFECT!"

Because she is.

CrispyCakeHead · 20/02/2011 07:26

having been on the receiving end of it a lot (three DC), I was horrified to find myself asking it of a friend . I now try and make a concerted effort to ask "how is he/she sleeping/feeding?" or "are you getting enough rest?" but worry that those sounds a little patronising.

I also used to opt for the "no, an unholy terror" when asked that Q when DS2 was a baby though, because he was a nightmare. He only slept through for the first time last week at 2yrs 3mths!

Chil1234 · 20/02/2011 07:38

YABU to call it a horrible question.... 'Is he a good baby for you?' is a pretty common shorthand for 'Is your baby giving you an easy or a hard time?' How you choose to answer it is up to you, of course.

GreenEyesandHam · 20/02/2011 07:44

Some of you people really think about this stuff way too much

Sheesh

GwendolineMaryLacey · 20/02/2011 08:00

I can't believe it even bothers you to the extent that you'd mention it here. People who overthink this kind of meaningless pleasantry really get my goat, never mind those of you who would shoot back some rude, sarcastic response. It's a wonder anyone speaks to you.

OliveMalay · 20/02/2011 11:25

Yes it's intended as a meaningless pleasantry but it is also lazy and thoughtless as they haven't bothered to think of a better, more thoughtful way of putting it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/02/2011 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BuzzLiteBeer · 20/02/2011 11:28

Really, old people shouldn't be allowed to speak, lest they upset your pretty little head.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 20/02/2011 11:29

Oh come on please. Can you hear yourself? Someone passes you in the street, sees you have a new baby and makes the fatal mistake of talking to you without writing a speech beforehand. FGS. And you wonder why people aren't as friendly as they used to be in the olden days before people got so offended by everything. Grow up.

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