interfering cow discussing my baby boys penis

[Mammie81]

DP's family want my son circumsised. They've made it clear to me how 'unreasonable' I am being by not allowing it (not now, not ever... well, unless theres a medical reason)

Thats not the point btw, the point is that while we were changing him at DP's aunts, she asked if we were doing the op. I said no. She made some comment about it and I forgot all about it because no matter what bullying tactics they try, I wont back down.

Now shes told DP's mum, and Nan, and they are upset.

a) what has my baby's penis got to do with anyone but him
b) how DARE she walk around discussing my boys bits like they are commonplace information. How would she feel if I started a chat about her vagina
c) I hadnt told DP's mum or Nan myself because of a) its my boys willy and no one elses fucking business what we do

AIBU to be so fucked off to refuse to go near this bitch ever again. (And she is a bitch btw, DP's dad wont even talk to her because of other interfering things shes done, she makes DP's mum upset almost every week and for xmas she gave our boy a doorstop with her work details stamped on it)

I know I probably am BU but Im so fed up of bbeing told what to do by these people. I wish I hadnt even said 'No' when she asked and just said 'Fuck off' instead.

IT'S YOUR BABY

it's yours and your partner's decision

end of subject

but still a little empathy wouldn't go amiss try "Oh dear I'm sorry you feel so strongly about it" or "We'll let him decide when he's old enough shall we?" or "Well that's the decision we've made for our child, sorry it upsets you but you don't actually get an opinion"

princess party, the family members that have been rude enough to ask/harass me about my sons willy know. The others dont as I dont offer the information.

Just out of interest, don't most Americans circumcise their boys??? (or 50%).

Not that I would (my DS is intact!) but just wanted to add to the mix...

You are his mother...

YANBU at all. The next time they ask about your son, ask them about their sexual health and if they've kept up to date with smears, etc. See how they like it

As for your husband, you say: " Ive explained all that to DP but he has been so brow beaten by what is expected of him, deep down he thinks I am BU."

If he thinks your being unreasonable tell him this sort of disagreement and pressure from him and his family is grounds for divorce.

Your boy, your decision.
Yanbu. At all.

Kerriann- bloody good point!

Yes, nonno, they do. Americans, I mean.

yep - I would say circumcision is very common in the states, having lived there for years and worked as a medical professional. Years ago, it was practically expected that it would be done, now it's just a bit less. But I would say it's still quite common, and the reason I've heard people say when discussing it is usually the silly nonsense about how it's cleaner that they have heard from other people that are just as misinformed.

This is one of those issues where only complete agreement between the parents should result in a change from the status quo.

I sympathise with the OP, not least because this will no doubt rear its ugly head (no pun intended etc...) if/when my fiancee and I have a son. She wants him to be circumcised - I do not.

Stick to your guns and explain how you feel, all the way through.

Well done you for not having your son done.

Triggles in my case, the doctor told me to do it. The doctor. And this was less than 4 years ago.

Just because a doc says to do it does not mean you should unless there are VALID medical reasons.
Good for you for sticking to your guns.
Like the suggestion of asking the witch if she has had her smelly labia removed

YANBU for not getting your son circumcised.

The thing is though that imho in this culture it is normal to discuss this. So getting all ranty about them discussing this is probably undermining you.

YANBU to be annoyed by it by the way or thinking it is none of their business what you do with your son. But I think calmly stating that you have made your decision and nothing will persuade you otherwise every time you are asked is the best way of handling this.

Even if you then come and rant on here / flick the v's behind their back / have a big glass of wine etc whatever helps you to stop getting stressed about it

YANBU to be upset that it's being discussed. And you won't be leaving him with her, will you? I know at least one family where atheist parents have come home to find christian grandparents have taken the baby out for the day and had them christened on the quiet ... Don't know any cases where muslim grannies have had babies surreptitiously circumcised but, if she's particularly dominating, I wouldn't risk it.

YANBU, you are his mother and have every right to feel and act this way regarding this issue.

Activate, I don't see how a person can demonstrate empathy over a subject that has such a serious moral dimension to it, I.e you agree with circumcision or you don't. How can you begin to offer a level of understanding to someone's thoughts regarding an operation that will cause a lot of pain to your baby. It is not the same as saying, 'I know you feel it is wrong to eat meat with dairy but we don't mind our son enjoying a swiss Bacon cheeseburger once in a while.'

I think your first comments to the OP, making assumptions about her background are hugely patronising and make sweeping generalizations about Jews and Muslims- differences in opinion within these cultures and relgion vary widely. It is not as straight forward as saying, what did you expect you married a Jew/Muslim now you should show empathy with practices that are morally repugnant to you. My DP is Jewish and circumcised but there was no expectation that our son should be circumcised as I am not Jewish and neither is my son as a result. My DP's extended family, older family members included don't make any assumptions about adopting their cultural practices. So I think the OP has every right to lack empathy in this case and tell whoever that it will not be happening, she doesn't need to show understanding.

Its unlawful for them to circumcise him without my permission, but I am worried they'll try to influence him as he gets older to 'be like daddy'. And if they start that then I'm going to go truly nuts. Its about his freedom to choose what happens to his own body, not just the potential for something to go wrong. I dont want this woman near my boy incase she starts trying to influence him. When I said no to her, DP said, maybe when hes older he can choose for himself. She muttered 'it will be too late by then'. Surely no foreskin is still no foreskin regardless of when its done!

Also, I didnt realise the amount of manipulative pressure that comes from his family. Its not always as overt as this aunt has been. One sister attempted to book the op for me! Grrr!

Maybe start answering back "Why are you so interested in children's genitalia? Are you on some kind of register?"

My mum asked my brother when he was 11 or so if he wanted to be circumcised to "be like daddy", I think his response was eff off!

I just said to DP that I wont be going near this aunt again as I dont like her and he said thats fine, neither does he.

I also asked why are his family obsessed with talking about little boys cocks over the dinner table and he just laughed

cheerfulyank yep, I used to work for a urologist in the states that performed them, and he recommended them as well when a parent was wavering. I hated them and eventually was relieved when I was able to take a job elsewhere as it was a difficult procedure to get through. I remember so many mothers saying how horrible it was and how they didn't want to have to do it, but the doctor recommended it.

Mammie, just curious, but doesn't your DP technically have the right to consent to medical procedures without getting your permission? Or is he not on the birth certificate. And do they even check when it's a baby? In the states, they very often do the procedure in the hospital before the baby and mum are even sent home, so obviously the mum is involved in the decision. But I understand it's quite different here in the UK.

Its up to you as parents whether you have your son circumcised or not.

BUT in many families from other cultures e.g. orthodox Jewish, many middle east countries, etc; this level of interference and discussions about members of the family is perfectly normal.

It doesn't mean someone is being a bitch. Some see our typical type of nuclear families, where the parents are largely left to get on with things, as very strange.

I think you have to be more laid back about how DP's family operates. Part of marrying someone whose family is from a different culture, is accepting that they may not see things the same way as you. If you don't this may cause serious problems between you and your DP as time goes by.

They probably see you as being very distant, stand offish and strange.

I understand why you don't want your son circumcised. But it does have some advantages. Medical research shows that partners of circumcised men have much lower rates of cervical cancer and there is a small bit of fresearch to suggest that circumcised men are less likely to become HIV positive.

YANBU. Whatsoever.

And am I the only person who shudders a LOT when someone comes up with the fucked up excuse "so he'll be like his daddy?" Why the fuck would anyone want to make their baby's penis match his father's? I don't mean there is any pervy connotation there, it's just fucked up.

Sorry for all the swearing, but I don't understand why someone would hack off bits of their healthy baby's anatomy.

Next time they ask say you're going to cut off his ear lobe instead because he doesn't need it.....

Lesley....the talk about HIV rates makes me want to scream, it's negligible and not proven. The 20,000 receptors in the glans are less sensitive, it's not cleaner either.

However you look at it circumcision is mutilation, painful and wrong....Anyone that believes that a God would wish that for small boys needs to get a new religion.

I did say a small bit of research as I know it is not proven. However there is far more proof in relation to cervical cancer.

TBH though I don't think the OP's post is about whether circumcision is good or bad. It is much more about differing expectations about when family members should express their views and get involved in family matters.

I much prefer parents and in laws who don't give trheir opinion about my children and how I am my OH brought them up. But TBH I don't think I would have chosen to have a family with someone who comes from a very different culture.

I have always lived in an area with a large number of migrants and I think such marriages can be very difficult when children come along. I have seen it manyt times. Two people get together and in spite of clear differences in cultural background and family expectations, there are no real problems when they are childless.

When children come along, suddenly the different cultures and differing expectations in how the extended family should be involved, start to cause clashes. It can work, but it takes understanding from all parties and the OP doesn't appear to have any

BTW I am talking about cultures and not ethnicity. Sometimes people from different ethnicities can actually have very very similar cultures and family expectations.