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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with being a working lone parent?

79 replies

KidderminsterKate · 19/02/2011 14:47

I feel so isolated and frustrated. Have no social life to speak of and finances are tight. Desperately need a haircut and cannot see any time in the next 3 months when I will be child free and not supposed to be working so I can book and go.

Half term hols have been a nighmare to arrange child care for so I'm thinking summer ones are going to be hell and hideously expensive.

If I didnt have a mortgage I'd give it all up!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 16:22

Having a dog isnt an extravagance.. shelling out nearly £200 a month on someone to walk it is...

hardhatdonned · 19/02/2011 16:24

Would it help to increase your hours and formalise your childcare a bit better? That way you could perhaps pick up an after work class or similar?

Do you use a childminder? If so does she evening babysitting service? Does she have teenage children who could?

You could rest on your laurels and say "pah this is my life" or you could do something about it. Could you utilise your ex's family as holiday sitters - a week with their grandparents in the summer, a week at easter etc?

CarGirl · 19/02/2011 16:29

Are you eligible for the childcare element of CTC? If you are then you may be better of using breakfast club or afterschool club regularly as you may get 70% of the cost back which then becomes cheaper than paying for a dog walker IYSWIM. As you are on your own I think perhaps your dc are doing too much after school, sometimes something has to go.

Original poster
KidderminsterKate · 19/02/2011 16:30

hardhat

I have thought about doing full time hours. This would pay me about an extra 5k a year but I'd have to use childminder to do the school pick ups and obv this would cost me quite abit for 4 of them. I would still have the dog issue as well as my targets would increase with a raise in hours. At the minute I do more than expected but thats because I try to get the bonus.

Plus my kids wouldn't do the afterschool clubs

OP posts:
hardhatdonned · 19/02/2011 16:33

After school clubs aren't the be all and end all. Switch them to a weekend club and cut the number of clubs down. They don't need to go to so many. You will run yourself into the ground if you carry on as you are and the relaxation of a family walk will do you all good.

Original poster
KidderminsterKate · 19/02/2011 16:41

yes the afterschool clubs may be an issue but they dont all do something everytime iykwim!

They all go to swimming lessons one evening,
one of my twins does netball and she's very good at it and starting to play for the juniors and then they go to brownies and my son does a football club the same evening so that one works really well.

I have thought about tryng to swop the swimming to a weekend class - they do do them then.

Thnak you for this advcie and support - have been on a hamster wheel for so many months

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 19/02/2011 16:44

How about putting up a notice to see if any non-dog owners would be interested in doing one or two of the walks? There must be people out there (retired?) who like dogs but don't want one of their own.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 19/02/2011 16:54

Can I just ask, is the £150 on food and petrol per week or was that a one-off? It seems very high for food/petrol costs, even with 4 kids to feed, as they are at school for 5 lunches per week, iyswim. As you work from home, could you cut back on the petrol at all?

MSE has some great ways of saving money and budgeting etc. Really, imo, the dog walker has to go. £45 per week? Really??! That's a huge amount to pay out. Can you cut this back at all? Couldn't you walk the dog after school with the kids, even once or twice a week? It would give you all family time, and some fresh air.

I'm a lone parent and until last April worked full time. I was like you, always on a treadmill. Eventually I got so stressed I broke down at the docs and was diagnosed with stress and anxiety. I asked my work if I could go part time and luckily they said yes. If they hadn't I honestly think I'd have had a breakdown, it was that bad. I used to own my house but I sold it and now rent, so I get some housing benefit to help with my rent. In my opinion in situations like this something's got to give, and I didn't want it to be my health as my DS relies solely on me.

I really think you need to take a long, hard look at your life and be honest with yourself about what you can genuinely manage and what you can't. Then take steps to change things.

blackeyedsusan · 19/02/2011 17:04

That sounds an expensive dog. can you cut back on doggy expenses?

GoodDaysBadDays · 19/02/2011 17:22

£150 on food and petrol does seem about right. I have 4dc's and spend that easily.

I can see where you're coming from about your dog. I have really struggled with the walks since dc4 was born and toyed with using a walker for a while but often make it a family thing after school, my dc's love it and it's free!

It can be really hard with all of them together and a nutty dog though so are you able to be flexible with your working hours as you work from home? Could you take little dc's and dog out during the day and make up the hours when they're in bed? It can mean for late hours but could save you money and give you some good quality time with dc's and your dog. (Silly as it sounds I really resented my lovely dog for a while and saw him as a chore, now I enjoy him much more Smile)

Echo cutting some clubs or moving them around and maybe looking at childcare options differently.

dubaipieeye · 19/02/2011 17:35

TBH I think your "dog logic" sounds fine - not sure why everyone is getting on your case about it so much. You've thought about it and having a dog walker allows you to earn more money because you can go for the bonus. Good on you and good luck!

GoodDaysBadDays · 19/02/2011 17:45

I have no problem with paying dog walkers and have used them occasionally and considered it regularly dubai but the op asked for advice on, among other things, her finances being tight.

This is an area that several posters have tried to offer alternatives for, not sure it's getting on her case, more an obvious area she could save money!

Meglet · 19/02/2011 17:47

yanbu. I'm at breaking point too.

wavingtheway · 19/02/2011 17:56

YANBU, I hated working as a LP. Forget all the nonsense about the dignity of work - I just felt stressed all the time and never had any 'me' time, was constantly rushed off my feet with chores when I got home and feeling guilty about leaving the DC.

I was secretly pleased when I was made redundant, money is tighter but at least I can get time to myself during the day and find myself actually enjoying time with the children instead of snapping at them all the time.

Original poster
KidderminsterKate · 19/02/2011 17:56

£150 was a little bit more than usual tbh but I bought enough meat for 2 weeks to fill the freezer so it should be less next week to balance it out. As for petrol, I dont use a great deal and just out £30 in - it should last 2 weeks as well.

I've really been thinking about the dog walker thing and I guess I could cut it down to 3 times a week when we have an afterschool thing. That means I'd save £18 a week but it also means we have to go out every day afterschool. Dont get me wrong I do love walking the dog but its easier when its just me when I've got 4 in tow.

I suppose if I'm honest I'm thinking of giving up work completely. If I sold the house and then rented somewhere I'd get HB, quite a lot of CTC and would have loads of time to walk the dog amongst other things. I need some perspective - is this a really terrible thing??? I'd probably be better off financially!

OP posts:
wavingtheway · 19/02/2011 18:01

I got full HB, CTB and CTC when I stopped working. But I was lucky to land a council flat in a reasonable area - I don't know if I'd give up a mortgaged house for a rented property. Plus you'd probably have a lot in savings after selling, which would affect your benefit entitlement (you can only have up to £16k).

ManateeEquineOhara · 19/02/2011 18:05

YANBU I work part time but am also doing a masters degree. I am so tired and always poor.

However I do have a 'high maintenance pet' - horse. FGS just because I am single I should not have to justify owning her just like you shouldn't have to with a dog!

You wouldn't be better off financially to not work, I had 6 months of no work and was incredibly poor. But if you need the time and you could scrape by maybe you should. People are far less judgey about people who choose to be a SAHM when they have a partner working, but that is terribly unfair.

I use holiday clubs and they are so expensive, I hate the school holidays. I also use after school club, which is also not great because my son doesn't get on very well there.

CarGirl · 19/02/2011 18:15

If you used paid childcare would you get 70% back? That would then be cheaper than paying the dog walker and you would be less stressed.

You could also walk the dog on the way to school be getting up earlier and going out earlier IYSWIM.

Before you rush into selling the house etc please try and envisage 3 years time when they are all a bit older etc.

Could you take in a lodger (tax free money) or perhaps an au pair?

Original poster
KidderminsterKate · 19/02/2011 18:15

gosh a horse! Now that must take a lot of time and money! Our dog is fantastic and I dont resent him in the slightest.... going to sound sad but he's also my companion and comes and sits under my desk when I work and then keeps me company in the evening when the children have gone to bed. I'd feel incredibly guilty if he didnt get the exercise he needs and actually it wouldnt help my stress levels as he might get destructive if not walked enough. Couldnt do it to the kids either - bad enough their dad just walked out without a backwards glance without me getting rid of our dog Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
KidderminsterKate · 19/02/2011 18:19

Cargirl - no I dont think I'd get much help with childcare. I earn 30K, 32K if i get the bonus. I know this is a good salary compared to some and I appreciate that earning this working from home during school hours is most peoples ideal but it is exhausting me.

OP posts:
hissymissy · 19/02/2011 18:19

I find it increadibly difficult to keep up wit everyting as a working LP. I have practically given up ont he house and try not to feel too ashamed of the general state of it. I simply can't do everything. My DS comes first, job second, degree third, family and friends next, and housework comes last on a long list of priorities.

Something has to give. I have a very low income, and so going to a hairdressers is out of the question. I am very fortunate to have a friend who has a daughter who does my hair on the cheap at home. You might try to find someone who would do this for you. It still feels like being pampered, believe me. I wouldn't get a dog, but I guess as you already had it there isn't much you can do, I would be heartbroken to be parted from my lovely kitty! I think you need to reduce the amount of time you pay a walker. Walking is very good for stress, and could make you work better! Go out for dog walks with the kids, they'll love it, they'll love the memories of family time out and about with mum and dog.

And don't worry about the house too much, and pay for school dinners and feed the kids baked beans for tea! Grin

CarGirl · 19/02/2011 18:19

You can teach them the responsibility though that if they can't help in x way and behave on dog walking then the dog would have to go!!! They may willingly give up some costly things if that's the reality.

I'm very Angry at their dad though - sounds like he's left you high and dry.

Check your not entitled to some council tax benefit too - we got a little when we just had one salary and it meant we got half price play scheme for the council ran one.

CarGirl · 19/02/2011 18:21

You should get some help towards childcare on £32k as you have 4 dc - go and look and the calculator thingy.

Original poster
KidderminsterKate · 19/02/2011 18:23

oh nope - not enough room for au pair/ lodger. Shame really because and au pair would be ideal...I only have a 3 bed and have my girls in the largest room, I've got the small double and then my son in the single room. We were moving to a 5 bedroom house...almost exchanged when my husband decided to leave me. Tbh I'm glad it wasnt after we'd moved...never have been able to afford the mortgage alone on that one!

sorry - I dont mean to sound so negative about all the ideas....I appreciate people taking the time to 'talk' to me.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 19/02/2011 18:26

My only other thought is look if you can extend the term on your mortgage (reduces the monthly payments) or consider interest only. In the long term you pay more in interest if you increase the term or you never own the house but staying sane and coping day to day is more important IMO.