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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rant at daughter

49 replies

alemci · 19/02/2011 11:07

AIBU I just lost it with my 17 year old dd today. It builds up over time. Just sick of cleaning up after everyone and feel like cinderella. the other dc are not here so she was in the firing line.

she has this lofty patronising attitude which really irritates me. we have a downstairs shower room which i never use. i buy a shower spray and she freely admitted she never bothered to spray the shower. She said i had OCD because i cared about the house. I now have to clean the shower screen and it annoys me so much as the shower spray would have made less work.

I am also a taxi driver and i have had enough. she is going away today and i am glad.

She also cannot understand about the amount of washing that needs doing and none of them really help me.

if i don't do stuff the mess will just accumulate and then it would be worse in the long run. i don't even mind that much its just a bit of help would be nice.

the other dd's room is so bad i can't face attempting to clean it whilst she is away.

OP posts:
dittany · 19/02/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 19/02/2011 11:11

I know it is no solution to your problems, but if you cleaned their rooms on a daily basis it would not build up over time.

However, if they want to live like pigs let them do so in their own rooms.

Some children are either extremely clean or just plain messy. I have one of each.

Due to her age it is hard to be able to implement any punishments for not doing anything.

I think it has all just got on top of you and you have just exploded, and rightly so.

How about you don't do any of their washing if it is not in the washing basket? So if the they have no clean clothes they only have themselves to blame.

Buy paper plates and knives and forks and give them their dinner on those!

Alambil · 19/02/2011 11:12

stop doing it all - at 17 she's old enough and ugly enough to do her own washing etc. If it turns out she goes out smelly and dirty, that's her lookout. Show her once how to use the machine and then let her get on with it.

Does she work? Do you charge her board? that's a good way of showing her the house is not a hotel...

TheProvincialLady · 19/02/2011 11:17

Yes, stop doing their washing, they are both old enough to do their own. Don't clean their rooms but dn't give pocket money if their rooms are foul. Don't clean the shower - you don't use it! - tell DD that if the shower isn't cleaned you will remove the fuse until it has been. Once a week have a walk through the house and bin anything that has been left lying around (warn them first though obviously). They'll soon get the message, but if you keep picking up after them and moaning, they won't.

solooovely · 19/02/2011 11:33

Good God FabbyChic! The second post by you today critisising someone else housework skills. As I said on the other thread, you are obviously not a feminist and have old fashioned views on womens roles within the home. How old are you? 80?!!!! Every time I see a post by you it's along the same lines . . . it's easy to keep up with housework/stop moaning about it/do all of it all the time, never complain or expect anyone to help etc. I even saw one by you saying that it's easy to keep the house perfectly clean with small babies. What planet do you live on? Of course she shouldn't be cleaning her dds room EVERYDAY, he dd is 17! She should be cleaning her own room!

OP - start a rota for the other members of your family and adjust according to age.

Original poster
alemci · 19/02/2011 11:58

i feel a bit calmer now but i don't think i wll let them use the shower if they are not going to keep it clean. they can go upstairs and it will be inconvenient but too bad.

I would prefer to do their washing as it is more economical and tbh they may mess up my washing machine because they are so careless.

one is doing a levels and the other gcse so i want them to do well. she does work part time as well so i don't have to give her money.

when Yd returns she will be made to clear up and i won't be paying for anything until it is done.

My DH helps as well but he doesn't do as much as i do and this week even though he has been off he has sat around watching tv. He does a token bit of washing to help.

TBF i only work part time and i love my daughters and want to be supportive as i know i was selfish when i was 17.

Fabby chic you are right, little and often which i try to do anyway.

OP posts:
tulpe · 19/02/2011 12:09

OP - I appreciate you want them to do well and to be supportive but they are taking the p*ss.

My DCs are 10 and 6 (will be 7 in a month). They have a list of jobs to do each day and if they don't do them then they don't get pocket money. Jobs include making beds (even at 6 you can straighten your duvet and put pillow in place), tidying up toys when finished with, and rinsing around the sink after teeth cleaning (bleurgh - cant stand cleaning other peoples toothpaste and yuck!). Eldest empties dishwasher and puts stuff away. Youngest sets table for dinner.

You aren't asking for them to scrub floors. You are asking them to clean up after themselves. My approach is that we all make a mess and as we don't have "staff" (!!) then we all need to pull our weight.

Kerrianne · 19/02/2011 12:13

I agree with Fabbychic I can't see what's wrong with her post at all?

femalevictormeldrew · 19/02/2011 12:17

I agree that unless they put the washing in the laundry basket, don't wash it. If she has nothing to wear she won't be long changing her tune (toddles off to practice what she preaches)

SugarMousePink · 19/02/2011 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cyb · 19/02/2011 14:57

'I know it is no solution to your problems, but if you cleaned their rooms on a daily basis it would not build up over time.'

Well I disagree with this view from Fabby chic

We are not slaves, everyone should pitch in and help

If they refuse, stop doing things for them

dittany · 19/02/2011 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/02/2011 14:59

Agrees with the 'black bag roundup' system wholeheartedly. :)

If you'd prefer to leave them to it, OP, just don't do any of their washing at all, whether it's in the basket or not, and let them keep their rooms as they want BUT nothing is to escape from those rooms, no plates, cups or foodstuffs to go in the rooms - and at the first sign of moths or other nasties, the whole lot will be chucked out.

I sympathise...

choccyp1g · 19/02/2011 15:21

Fabbychic: 'I know it is no solution to your problems, but if you cleaned their rooms on a daily basis it would not build up over time.'

That's the OPs point, if her DD gave the shower a daily spray, then it would be an easy job. Because DD is idle self-absorbed a teenager, it does build up, then OP is expected to do it all.

Not fair, and I don't blame OP for getting cross.

NinkyNonker · 19/02/2011 15:22

Nice personal attack there SoLooovely, more than a little uncalled for and totally OTT.

Alikersh · 19/02/2011 15:37

OP, my Dad used to call me 'one touch' as a teenager because I would touch things once and leave them where they dropped.. and I now have full sympathy with him as my eldest is the same at times!
Leave the bedrooms as they are, when things get lost they'll soon tidy up (hopefully) and as has already been suggested, only wash things in the basket.
They'll get the point eventually... x

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2011 15:47

Do their washing (it is easier).
Don't do their ironing.
Don't do their cleaning.
Anything left in a communal area either gets dumped in a big basket or dumped back in their rooms.
They either help with meals/clearing up or they get their own (from a very limited range of foodstuffs)
And the taxi driver goes on strike.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/02/2011 15:50

It will all change when they get boyfriends... at the first sign of one, invite him for tea. Grin

activix · 19/02/2011 15:57

My Dad used to say I suffered from 'horizontalsurfaceitis' - see a flat surface and have to fill it! My now adult DS is the same. Obviously a recessive 'domestic goddess' gene! Our family solution - cupboards/drawers/industrial bin liners. Everything put out of site once a week or if visitors due. At first sign of funny smells - everyone 'springcleans' together.

moomaa · 19/02/2011 16:01

At this age this isn't just about how much work you have to do in the house, it's also about preparing them for life. Please don't end up with kids leaving home who have no idea how to use a washing machine, cook a meal or which cleaning products to use.

Original poster
alemci · 19/02/2011 16:07

she has got a lovely boyfriend and in her valentines card wrote about how he would love her to improve her cooking but probably a joke.

he comments on the mess in her room.

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 19/02/2011 16:10

Why should 1 person in a household be responsible for cleaning up someone elses mess?
We're talking teens here not babies

I have a solution which works well for me.
never failed yet
Close their bedroom door and run like the wind walk away

as for the rest i agree with NannyOgg

EveWasFramed72 · 19/02/2011 16:14

Are people SERIOUSLY suggesting that the OP clean up after a 17 year old??

Bonkers! If they are over the age of 13, then they should be helping around the house...cleaning up their own messes won't interfere with gcse's or anything else. Maybe the laundry will be a bit messy with them doing it, but you shouldn't be working that hard with older DCs.

If she's not helping/pulling her weight, then you STOP giving money, rides to places and everything else until she starts being helpful.

FWIW, if you had started making them do chores from a younger age, you likely wouldn't be having this problem now. It's not too late...make them start doing their share!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/02/2011 16:19

alemci... Yikes... and your DD isn't ashamed that her boyfriend or friends see her room in that state?

Maybe try another tack then... he's not allowed in it unless it's clean and tidy?

Original poster
alemci · 19/02/2011 16:24

sometimes she does clean up if he is coming round. Her room isn't that bad, it was my YD's which is much worse and it is larger.

my gripe was more her attitude about helping around the house and not understanding why i was getting upset about the shower etc.

also feeling i was doing so much for her and she was not doing anything in return.

before she left she stripped and changed her bed and her room is not too bad. I will probably hoover it and dust it.

The Yd's one is atrocious.

OP posts: