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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rant at daughter

49 replies

alemci · 19/02/2011 11:07

AIBU I just lost it with my 17 year old dd today. It builds up over time. Just sick of cleaning up after everyone and feel like cinderella. the other dc are not here so she was in the firing line.

she has this lofty patronising attitude which really irritates me. we have a downstairs shower room which i never use. i buy a shower spray and she freely admitted she never bothered to spray the shower. She said i had OCD because i cared about the house. I now have to clean the shower screen and it annoys me so much as the shower spray would have made less work.

I am also a taxi driver and i have had enough. she is going away today and i am glad.

She also cannot understand about the amount of washing that needs doing and none of them really help me.

if i don't do stuff the mess will just accumulate and then it would be worse in the long run. i don't even mind that much its just a bit of help would be nice.

the other dd's room is so bad i can't face attempting to clean it whilst she is away.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/02/2011 16:35

Take the non-essential stuff out perhaps, saying that she's obviously still a little girl and doesn't know how to look after her room yet.

Does she have friends to visit?

I don't know about the posters here but my Mum was on her own and I was helping in all manner of things by the time I was at secondary school so you're definitely not being unreasonable in what you're asking. :)

dittany · 19/02/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

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pointydog · 19/02/2011 16:50

If she won't clean, stop taking her places.

DanJARMouse · 19/02/2011 16:55

Im surpised at 17 she doesnt clean.

Through choice I had my own flat at 18yrs old. At home, I had been loading and unloading the washing machine/tumble dryer from about 11yrs old.

I have 3 children, 6,5 and 3yo and they all put their clothes in the washing basket, help with the dishwasher and keep their rooms tidy. Little 3yo DS knows if his room isnt tidy, he only gets 1 story at bed time, but if its tidy he gets 2 stories and a song!

All about setting down expectations! I am not here to pick up after everyone.

SugarMousePink · 19/02/2011 17:02

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Nanny0gg · 19/02/2011 17:12

OP - if you hoover and dust her room, don't complain that things don't get done.
You really aren't helping yourself (or your dcs.)

Edinburghlass · 19/02/2011 17:39

If you can't throw away stuff that's left in a communal place, try a "lost property box" where stuff that's left in the way is put in that box and they don't get it back until next day.

manicbmc · 19/02/2011 17:46

Reading with interest. Hmm

Dd is 16 and sitting on her arse is her hobby. Her room is a midden which spills out into the rest of the house.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/02/2011 18:04

OP have your DC's ever been expected to help out? Have you ever explicity explained to them what they need to do and when?

I ask this because I didnt do much as a child. One day my mother went ballistic at me for being lazy and selfish and never helping. I felt awful and guilty and worthless. She blamed me for her being on the brink of a breakdown etc etc.

It hadnt crossed my mind to do anything, I didnt know how and I was a kid. She just stopped one day, didnt cook or clean etc. I had no clue how to do it all because she and my dad had never shown us.

I have bought my DCs up to help around the house and shown them how to do things because of this (no really, not because I am a lazy cow Grin ). My DS1 is 17 and he hates doing housework but he can and does do it. Its still a battle but he is very capable.

I wouldnt do her washing or tidy her room but I would make sure she knew how to do it herself. She shouldnt just be looking after herself,she should be helping with general stuff as well.

Original poster
alemci · 19/02/2011 18:18

nanny Ogg i don't mind as she has gone away for a few days and her room is fairly tidy.

They do a bit of clearing up after the evening meal but they do very little else.

they have a commute to school so don't get home till 4.45.

My dd does know how to use washing machine etc and she says she will do her own washing. perhaps i should let her. I also hand wash her wired bras???

OP posts:
EveWasFramed72 · 19/02/2011 18:23

I had to help around the house, and started doing my own laundry around age 13. If I wanted something ironed, I had to have it ready for my mom on her ironing day, or I had to do it on my own. My room was allowed to be in any state I wished, as long as my door was shut, but my mom DID NOT tidy up after me.

Yes, SugarMouse I too was a slob, but no longer, and I certainly have never lived life expecting anyone to clean up my mess. I made it clear to my DH when we moved in together that I was not his mother, and I expected an equal partnership in terms of housework, and for the most part, we do split it pretty well.

My DCs are 4 and 3...they put their plates and cutlery in the dishwasher when they've finished eating, and will often clamour to help me do laundry...it takes longer when they 'help', but I'd much rather they learn to do it now than to expect me to do it for them once they get a bit older. They don't have chores, per se, but they like to get little jobs around the house, so in the long run, we all get the house tidy, and they are learning a valuable lesson.

Families are supposed to work in teams...not fair that 'mum' is expected to tidy up after able bodied people!

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/02/2011 18:39

You hand wash her bras and then complain that you have too much housework? ShockShockShock

Mine are 10 and 12 and if bedrooms are not clean and tidy on a Friday, there is no pocket money. They are fairly slobbish, and I have been known to sweep all of their precious things crap into a big pile in the middle of the room and tell them that unless it's cleared, it goes in the bin.

If you do everything, people will expect you to do it all. I cook, I usually do most of the washing. DH cleans the flat, washes floors, hoovers, cleans windows, dusts and polishes. I refuse to do everything, and his standards are higher than mine Grin so he has just taken on more and more.

Girls keep their rooms and bathroom clean and tidy, set table, clear it and load and unload the dishwasher.

CardyMow · 19/02/2011 18:44

Errrr...OP...are you seriously telling me that you go into your 17yo's room to look for her dirty clothes??? My dc are 13yo, 8yo, 7yo and almost 4 weeks old. The only one of them that isn't expected to bring the washing down from the basket in their room to the main basket in the downstairs loo on a Friday after school is the baby. And two of the older 3 dc have sn.

Hmm You really run aroundfor her THAT much?? By my 17th birthday I had been running my own home for 18 months, and had a 3 month old baby. I'd have been a bit buggered if I couldn't use a washing machine!!

IgnoreYourTeethAndTheyGoAway · 19/02/2011 18:48

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ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 19/02/2011 18:54

My DC's are 16 and 18. I don't do their washing and I close the doors on their bedrooms.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 19/02/2011 18:55

Have to say I agree with Dittany, you need to get your husband pulling his weight too.

Chandon · 19/02/2011 18:56

My parents just always expected us to help, my borthers too, from age 8 we had rotas for doing the washing up, hanging up laundry etc.

Even when I did A level did I have to help. It did not affect my results Wink...those 10 minutes or whatever it was.

Don't allow yourself to be treated like a doormat.

Original poster
alemci · 19/02/2011 18:56

she has a laundry basket in her room which i empty. I handwash the bras as they are so expensive and i do mine at the same time. Sometimes go in handwash cycle in machine. her bedroom is downstairs and faces the hall hence i see more of it than the other 2's.

The others put their washing in the basket on the landing. She will be gone in just over a year which i will be sad about.

I do appreciate your support on this thread and i take on board the valid points you are making:)

OP posts:
Tolalola · 19/02/2011 19:00

Your DD is 17! She's very nearly an adult, and should be treated as such.

She needs to start cleaning/tidying her own room and doing all her own laundry, including towels and bedlinens. You should really not be doing any of that for kids much over 13ish imo.

She (with her sister, maybe?) should also make their own meals except family dinners.

Cleaning communal areas should be on arota, and fair enough if you do most of it, but they should definitely be doing some, with consequences if it isn't done.

Time for a family meeting!

Tolalola · 19/02/2011 19:01

a rota, not arota obv Blush

Julezboo · 19/02/2011 19:13

At 17 I was pretty much doing everything for myself! Besides the food shopping. It set me up for when i went out on my own.

I moved in with DH who had his mum doing everything for him like you do for your DC's and he didnt have a clue! She needs to learn life skills :)

Handwashing bra's Shock

FWIW - I have three boys, 8, 4 and 5 weeks and as a pp says the only one who doesnt bring their own washing down is the baby, the 8 yr old cleans his room and 4 yr old loves to help with the washing. Start em young :o

NorfolkNChance · 19/02/2011 19:34

Blimey my 17 MONTH old DD helps me load the washing machine and will happily carry things to the kitchen. I must be such a bad mother task master.

hairylights · 19/02/2011 19:48

IMHO a seventeen year old should be doing all their own cleaning, washing, ironing etc.

IgnoreYourTeethAndTheyGoAway · 19/02/2011 19:50

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