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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step father telling ds to keep a secret

57 replies

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 18/02/2011 20:46

Bit of background, i bought my dh an xbox for christmas and my ds (aged 3.8) the toy story game. Little did i know that he would quickly become obsessed with it, even though he can't properly play it, and want it all constantly.

Because of this i limited it to a friday evening to play with daddy. If it were up to him he'd play it 24/7, literally.

Dm and StepD were here this aft and after they left ds got really upset, i asked what was wrong and he tearfully said he wanted to tell me something but grandad said "don't tell your mum" Turns out it was that he said when we move (they're moving nearby) you can play toy story at our house but don't tell your mummy i said that.

Ds was really upset as he wanted to tell me because we don't do secrets but didn't want to becuse his grandad had said not to.

I text my mum saying i was upset that a. he had undermined me and b. it's not a good idea to tell a 3 year not to tell their mummy something.

She didn't get it, i explained that i didn't think secrets were good for a toddler for worrying and abuse reason, to a toddler if grandad who i love and trust tells me to not tell my mum something some random pervert saying the same doesn't seem so strange.

Dm and strpdad are now really upset with me, who's right? am i being ott?

OP posts:
YakovsNubianBlingExplosion · 18/02/2011 21:54

I don't think YABU. Can completely see why you reacted that way.

If you had had a chance to simmer down and think about it for longer, you probably would have found a way of conveying it to them without getting their backs up. I don't think you've done anything wrong but it's not all that suprising that it's all turned into a bit of a muddle.

Can you wait a bit, maybe a day or two, and have a face-to-face chat? Just think out your wording really carefully beforehand? Because on the one hand, I think you'll need to apologize for the confusion at least if you want them to hear you; but also, you have a really valid point that it's important for them to acknowledge.

YakovsNubianBlingExplosion · 18/02/2011 21:55

Just noticed that you texted your mum about it. I'd stick to talking - text messages about anything sensitive are usually a bad idea.

YakovsNubianBlingExplosion · 18/02/2011 21:56

Oh dear, psychoveggie has already said everything I said, and more concisely

RevoltingPeasant · 18/02/2011 22:16

Hmm I think the whole abuse angle is a bit of a red herring myself.

However, I think the key thing that is getting lost in your convos with your DM is that your son was upset by this. That is why it is different from 'Well, you can have some ice cream just this once, but don't tell your mum'. That doesn't make a child cry.

Not unless they're very odd...

2rebecca · 18/02/2011 23:22

The only time I tell my kids to keep something a secret from other family members is when it contains birthday surprises etc. Your stepfather was wrong. He shouldn't be asking a small child to keep secrets from a parent and he shouldn't be trying to portray you as a "baddie" and himself as a "goodie" re this game.
I actually agree about the abuse angle, abusers always tell kids not to tell their parents. You could have clarified you weren't suspecting them of abuse, but I suspect they knew that and have just been a bit thin skinned about it.
I would be dreading them moving if they plan to undermine your parenting like this and would tell them that you don't want to get involved in a parenting battle when they move.

2rebecca · 18/02/2011 23:24

I agree that you shouldn't have arguments with people via text. That's a very teenage way to go about things. Adults should talk to each other.

timeforachangearooney · 18/02/2011 23:26

YANBU at all

so important that children know they don't have to keep secrets that make them sad

thats how we explain it in our house

but now secrets that make us happy ......... they are the best

Morloth · 18/02/2011 23:39

YANBU no secrets, surprises are OK, but not secrets.

redpanda13 · 19/02/2011 00:27

Morloth - totally agree.
When I had to speak to my aunt I explained about the suprise/secret thing. She agreed as what she wanted DD to keep secret was a suprise as I would eventually get told.
Also I had to speak about the 'forced kissing' issue. DD depending on mood will refuse to kiss or cuddle relatives. Now I know she is being arsey but in this instance I allow it. Sort of giving her the power over her own body? The right to say no? I don't really know how to explain it. Just if I back her up about a kiss just now it will let her know she can refuse something more if it were to ever happen.
Och anyway the OP is not being OTT she would just have been better having a face to face discussion.

puglet123 · 19/02/2011 11:29

Totally agree with Morloth !

GeekyBabyGifts · 29/03/2017 21:59

BurningBuntingFlipFlop, I think you made the right move, in some cases our parents don`t appreciate our rules and they need to be reminded sometimes for not upsetting us and themselves in the future!

greenlipstick · 29/03/2017 22:04

YANBU but you now have an opportunity to explain to DS that he was right to tell you and it's always okay to even if someone talks about a secret.

neverthetwainshallmeet · 29/03/2017 22:07

No, YANBU, I would feel the same and would get the same response from my family.

Flowers
38cody · 29/03/2017 22:07

YABU
It was probably an innocent comment - a bit of fun. Sounds as though you've made your son quite stress if he's anxious about this - you need to chill out.

LoveDeathPrizes · 29/03/2017 22:14

We had similar over sweets. Felt it was really unhealthy a) to promote secret keeping and b) to treat some foods as shameful. This was MIL and she actually did it again in front of me so I took the opportunity to say we don't keep secrets - we do suprisea but we don't keep secrets and no food is bad food in moderation.

PandasRock · 29/03/2017 22:17

Zombie bread everyone - 6 years old!

Where's the warning gone?

PandasRock · 29/03/2017 22:18

Or even zombie thread Grin

greenlipstick · 29/03/2017 22:23

Warning only appears before the first person who resurrects it posts.

PandasRock · 29/03/2017 22:26

That can't be right, as I've clicked on threads from Active Convoes (so have been posted on, rather than searched for by me, iyswim) which have had the Zombie warning on.

I clicked on this one when Geeky bumped it up, but noticed it was a zombie (date caught my eye on one of the earlier posts) so didn't post then.

purplecoathanger · 29/03/2017 22:27

Sorry to read this, what a mess! YANBU, well done for doing entirely the right thing. I hope the DGPs see sense.

purplecoathanger · 29/03/2017 22:28

Shit, just noticed the date.

blackteasplease · 29/03/2017 22:28

YADNBU

Children should never be told "don't tell Mum" or "don't tell Dad" - I've always said to DD she must recognise those words as an especially important reason to tell us whatever it is!

Even something like "ooh don't tell Mum I let you have more cake" or "Don't tell Dad I bought another handbag" can give them the idea that it's OK for adults to ask you to keep secrets.

hardboiled · 29/03/2017 22:34

YANBU
I would be furious
Because of the secret thing and because of undermining your parental decision to limit game time.

hardboiled · 29/03/2017 22:35

Oh, zombie...

purplecoathanger · 29/03/2017 22:35

ZOMBIE ALERT.

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