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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go out with my best friend's widower and his new partner?

33 replies

deaconblue · 18/02/2011 17:29

My best friend died of cancer 9 months ago, she was only 39. Her husband has met a new partner and seems very happy. He and I are good friends and I feel I should invite them for dinner or to go out. I am genuinely happy that he is finding happiness again. But it just feels too soon for me to see him with someone else. I miss her so much I just can't bring myself to meet his new partner yet. Am I being unreasonable, I feel like a horrible person?

OP posts:
agnethafaltskog · 18/02/2011 17:37

YABU.

tellall · 18/02/2011 17:39

YANBU

whatdoiknowanyway · 18/02/2011 17:40

It's still very soon. YANBU.

citronella · 18/02/2011 17:40

Of course you are not BU. The association is still too close and she was your best friend. You are not saying never just not yet. Perfectly reasonable and understandable.

TyraG · 18/02/2011 17:40

YANBU, you are still grieving the loss of your friend.

Pheebe · 18/02/2011 17:41

No, YANBU at all. You are not emotionally ready to see your friend 'replaced'. That's fine and you are NOT a horrible person. There are no hard and fast rules or timelines in the grieving process.

PonceyMcPonce · 18/02/2011 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeacupTempest · 18/02/2011 17:42

YANBU

You are grieving too and it takes everyone a different amount of time to adjust.As long as you are still friendly with him then I dont see the problem waiting a bit longer until you feel more comfortable with the situation. If they are serious about each other then she will be there in the future so there shouldn't be a rush.

Maybe mention it to him. I am sure he would understand.

upahill · 18/02/2011 17:43

I understand this is difficult for you.

TBH I don't think there are any right or wrong answers,it is entirly how you feel.

Hopefully a time will come where your hurt will fade and you will think of nothing but happy memories of your friend AND you will be happy to see him and his new partner.

I have told my kids and DH that if I die they must carry on and DH must find some one to love as much as he loves me. I know it doesn't make them think any less of me but live is way to short not to have someone caring for them.

You are not horrible = you just have raw feelings.

curlymama · 18/02/2011 17:43

If it would upset you, be honest with him. He should be able to understand. You are both grieveing, just in different ways, but it doesn't mean that he isn't still hurting over losing your friend, or that you miss her more. You need to chat to him, he will probably be well aware that his new relationship might be wierd for people, and you both just need a chance to get your feelings out in the open.

activate · 18/02/2011 17:43

I would be cross with my best friend if she didn't support my DP when I die

But I don't think that means you need to socialise with him

a phone call or a meal for just him would suffice at this stage I think

Pancakeflipper · 18/02/2011 17:46

YANBU - it really hammers it home when you see the partner of your friend sat in a restaurant or your dining table. It's really painful.

Be honest with him if you like him. And meet up somewhere like a pub the first time - don't do food... It's quicker to have a couple of drinks than a meal out. And the new partner will be in dread of meeting you and probably not fancy a meal due to nerves.

Bonsoir · 18/02/2011 17:46

I'm not sure that you need to invite your friend's DH and his new partner to dinner. If she, not he, was your special friend, what on earth has his new life got to do with you? Leave them in peace - and you can grieve in peace.

SarahBumBarer · 18/02/2011 18:01

It is a shame for the new partner as she probably has certain reservations about being with a man whose partner died such a relatively short time ago and how his friends and family will react. However it is not your job to be providing her with support or reassurance. As long as you are not begrudging his happiness then YANBU.

I have heard that people who were in happy relationships often move on quicker after the partner in that happy relationship dies. In a way therefore it could be seen as a testiment to how happy this guy was with your friend that he is open to a new relationship already.

Sorry for your loss. Best friends are hard to replace.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/02/2011 18:02

Fully expect to get flamed but I wouldn't like to see my best friends husband dating someone else a mere 9 months after her death. I know that I don't know these people and I'm sure someone will say that people move on at different rates and I'm sure that's true, but 9 months? I guess there are lots of well adjusted people out there, who are big enough to want their spouses to be happy with someone new and I admire that, but If I died, I wouldn't want my husband to be seeing someone else when I was barely cold. Think it must be very hard for everyone who loved your friend.

I feel sorry for the new woman.She is taking on a lot here

Northernlurker · 18/02/2011 18:07

What would your friend want you to do?

eclipse · 18/02/2011 18:30

I'm so sorry for your loss. This must still be very raw for you. My best friend lost her partner 20 years ago. She loved him unreservedly. She very quickly had a series of relationships after him, some flings and some serious. She then met her current husband and has been married for 12 years. She still grieves for her boyfriend as though he is still part of her and it happened yesterday. She just does life alongside that. To an observer you would think she'd moved on pretty quickly but that is still not the case. I'm only relating this to say that your best friend's husband is not necessarily giving any indication of his love for her simply because he has a new girlfriend. If I were you though, I can imagine it would still be very painful to see another person in your best friend's seat at the table.

agnethafaltskog · 18/02/2011 18:44

So how long would be an acceptible period of mourning? Obviously not 9 months, according to you judgeypants; 18 months? 2 years? Never?

OP lost a friend but presumably still has her DH, the friend lost his wife - very more devastating. How lovely that after what I should imagine was a period of intense grief he has now found someone who makes him feeling happy. You should be celebrating that, supporting him and letting him know his new girlfriend is welcome instead of worrying about your own feelings.

agnethafaltskog · 18/02/2011 18:46

Sorry for poor grammar Blush

Bonsoir · 18/02/2011 18:49

It's so unbelievably retrograde to think that the bereaved have to "mourn" and observe some kind of moratorium on intimacy. It is up to individual concerned, and absolutely no-one else's business, when he/she feels ready for a new relationship.

clam · 18/02/2011 18:51

OK, Bonsoir, so fair enough if he feels ready. But the OP does not feel ready to meet her friend's "replacement." Same applies.

Bonsoir · 18/02/2011 18:52

clam - that is exactly the point I made, earlier on the thread.

ZZZenAgain · 18/02/2011 18:54

YANBU

squeakytoy · 18/02/2011 18:56

She may have only died 9 months ago, but I suspect she was very ill for quite a while prior to her death, and her husband was caring for her. Mentally he would have prepared in many ways for her death a lot more than 9 months ago.

I know when my dad died, after a long battle with cancer, I was just relieved in a way that my mum found happiness with someone about a year after his death, because she had spent the previous few years being a carer to him.

YANBU but I think you have to overcome your feelings and hope that this man has met a woman who will treat him well.

Canella · 18/02/2011 18:59

what a lovely post eclipse. Thats a nice way to think about it.

Shopping bags - i dont think YABU - my friend died 2 years ago and i would still struggle to cope with her husband having a new partner. I havent had to deal with it yet as he is nowhere near ready for a new partner but i can totoally understand how you feel. I would suggest that you tell him how you feel and that you support his decision to meet someone else but you dont feel ready to meet them yet.

Clam is right - it takes individual friends different time to grieve so i think if you explained this to him then he'd understand.