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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I don't go to my Grandfathers funeral?

40 replies

mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 16:52

My grandfather has died suddenly. We weren't close - I haven't seen him in nearly 5 years.

It's his funeral next week and in order to attend I would have to travel a couple of hundred miles with a baby on a train. I will also have to organise childcare for my other DC's. DP will not be able to have time off work so cannot take me.

Also it will cost about £60 in train fares which we really don't have Sad.

So would I be unreasonable if I didn't attend? It's my Mum's father and I have a feeling she'll be a bit peeved if I don't.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 18/02/2011 16:56

YANBU imo, my mums father is currently dying and when he goes I have no intention of going to his funeral, not because we can't afford it, I just don't want to.

Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:02

Don't get me wrong Lisa - it's not that I don't want to go. If I lived in the area I would but it's going to be difficult and expensive to go.

OP posts:
Mumwithadragontattoo · 18/02/2011 17:04

I think YABU - even though you weren't close to your grandfather your mum would appreciate your support in her grief and I think you should give it if possible. If you really don't have the money for the train fare make sure you are supportive to your mum in other ways.

curlymama · 18/02/2011 17:05

Would your Mum be able to help you with the cost of travelling if she wants you to go?

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:08

yanbu

he wont know you weren't there. i would only go if my mum really had no-one else there to support her.

rookiemater · 18/02/2011 17:10

Why don't you have a conversation with your Mum about it. I wouldn't tell her you don't want to go but would explain the difficulties about childcare and the cost. If it is important to her that you are there then she may pay towards it.

When my grandfather died my mum said that I shouldn't bother to fly over for the funeral, but I was glad that I did as Dad didn't bother going despite being active and well and as I am an only child she appreciated having someone there for her.

solooovely · 18/02/2011 17:11

I would usually say that it's disrespectful not to go, but it sounds like it's going to be really difficult for you. Usually companies give you time off for funerals, will your DHs not do that?

Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:11

My sister has offered to pay half but i don't really want to take it as she can't really afford it at the moment. I wouldn't ask my mum for the money she's having to pay for the funeral as it is.

It's not just the money though. I would have to change trains twice with a baby, i'd have to stay overnight and arrange child care for other DC's.

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 18/02/2011 17:15

Funerals are never convenient though are they? I think you are more likely to regret not going than going. I would have to go to support my mum even if I wasn't close to my grandfather. In my experience people never forget what you do and how you act in times like these.
Your husband should be able to get leave on compassionate grounds. None of your problems seem aprticularly insurmontable to me.
So IMO YABU.

Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:18

My DP could take the day off but not get paid for it - not an option at the moment. He would only get compassionate leave for a close relative ie. spouse, child, parent.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 18/02/2011 17:20

Childcare and distance to travel etc are not reasons for not going. CHanging trains with a baby is no harder than any other time assuming you leave enough time for the changes and take a sling or small pushchair. Not wanting to go is though. Personally I don't want anybody at my funeral who doesn't want to be there.
I think it's very sad you don't want to go but if that's how it is there's no mending it now. You need to talk to your mum and prepare for some family unease.

Bogeyface · 18/02/2011 17:21

Looking at this from a different pov.

At my grandparents funeral my cousin travelled the 300 miles to get there. Very nice except that not once in the previous 8 years had she bothered to make the trip while gma was alive. Gma loved all her grandchildren, and would have loved to have seen my cousin, but there was always an excuse why she couldnt come. She didnt seem at all upset or bothered by what had happened so I still dont know why she bothered going apart from feeling she should.

If it really wont upset you to miss it and your sister will be there for your mum then dont go.

Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:25

Both your points are valid.
However, probably the root of it is that he had 34 years to make an effort and come and see me and he never did. He never seemed bothered.

OP posts:
Deaddei · 18/02/2011 17:29

I wouldn't go.
Mil died this week and I,m not going to hers.
Dh has no problem with it.

BlueFergie · 18/02/2011 17:30

But you are not going to the funeral for the person who died, you are going to support the ones left grieving - in this case your mum. From the sound of things your sister obviously wants you there if she is prepared to help with costs, so for her as well.
Anywere I have worked classified grandparents as close relatives (incl grandparents of spouses) so I am surprised that your DH's place doesn't. Even the company my DH works for who are tiny and notoriously tight with time off give compassionate leave for grandparents.

LessNarkyPuffin · 18/02/2011 17:32

Sometimes going to a funeral is about supporting someone you care about not about the person who has died. Do you think your mother needs you there? If you think not then don't go - you've got lots of reasons not to in terms of cost etc.

MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 17:33

mmmitsdelicioius, it is obvious you don't want to go as he was lazy towards having a relationship with you, and it looks like you are listing any difficulty you have to justify why not to go, it is good that you have admitted the real reason why you don't want to go.

Is it hurt or a way to get back at him publically?

Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:34

No Bluefergie they definitely don't. He could take a day unpaid. That's it.

OP posts:
whatdoiknowanyway · 18/02/2011 17:37

Funerals are for the living not the dead. If you go it is to support your mum. Whatever she says it will mean a great deal to her. It's really not about your relationship with your grandad.

When my mum died (she lived close to me) some of my friends who didn't really know her came to the funeral. They will always have a special place in my heart.

My cousins all came to support their mum, my mother's sister.

Our neighbours (who we have lived next to for 20 years and known for 40 years) didn't come because 'they didn't really know my mum'. Our kids grew up together and the funeral was in the same street where we all live yet it took over 2 weeks for them even to come in through the door to say 'sorry for your loss'. I lost a little trust in our friendship over that.

Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:37

Mummie - it's not a way to get back at him publicly - I'm honestly not that bitter about it. It's just the cost and logistics that's all.
If I still lived in that area there is no question that I would go.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 17:38

So is it the getting into debt, the leaving children, the inconvenience is not worth it to you for someone who was lazy towards you?

activate · 18/02/2011 17:39

it's not about your grandfather it's about your mother

you need to go to support your mother

LessNarkyPuffin · 18/02/2011 17:42

You could check coach prices. They can be a lot cheaper.

Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:42

Basically I'll put it like this - if it was a relative that I was close to then I would make the effort to go. I wasn't close to him at all - no birthday cards, xmas cards, visits etc etc.
So in that case the cost and logistics become important factors when deciding to go.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 17:42

OP do you have issues with your Mother as well?