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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I don't go to my Grandfathers funeral?

40 replies

mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 16:52

My grandfather has died suddenly. We weren't close - I haven't seen him in nearly 5 years.

It's his funeral next week and in order to attend I would have to travel a couple of hundred miles with a baby on a train. I will also have to organise childcare for my other DC's. DP will not be able to have time off work so cannot take me.

Also it will cost about £60 in train fares which we really don't have Sad.

So would I be unreasonable if I didn't attend? It's my Mum's father and I have a feeling she'll be a bit peeved if I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmitsdelicious · 18/02/2011 17:45

Mummie - me and my mum have had issues in the past but we're fine now. My Mum and her dad had bigger issues and never got on irl anyway.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 18/02/2011 17:47

Maybe you are better to spend your time, emotions and money on the family that matter then OP!

Lulumaam · 18/02/2011 17:49

I'm torn about this, can see both sides

At least you've a few days to try and sort it. Jewish funerals are usually the same day as the death, got some fond memories of pelting up motorways always in the rain and desperately finding someone to have DCs. it's not pleasant, it's not convenient, but it's not just about the person who's died.

would your mother be devastated?

I can't imagine not going to grandparent's funerals, but was very close . also v v close to my parents and would be there for them ( When my mum's mum passed away, I moved back to mum's with DD for the week of official mourning /shiva , to look after my mum and to be there for her.. even with my dad and my bro at home, i wanted to be there for her and look after her . DS was old enough to go to other grandparents/school at the time. )

if it is about cost and logistics, and you would go otherwise, you should go and borrow the money if possible

it could be the sort of thing that your mum would be devastated about and in the future, be resentful of you not being there

also, how would you feel if when your parents die, your DCs won't come to the funeral?

death is part of life.

LadyintheRadiator · 18/02/2011 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/02/2011 17:51

I didnt meant to say in my previous post that you were in the wrong for not seeing him. That wasnt my point at all, so I am sorry if I offended you. I was just pointing out that my cousin was wasting her time imo to attend a funeral just to save face!

I guess what I am trying to say is that if you arent bothered about missing it (and from what you have posted, I dont blame you) then add that into the cost, logisitics etc and I wouldnt go. Your mum has your sister there.

Alot of people go to funerals because they feel they should rather than for any need to pay their respects. Perhaps that is why your sister is offering to pay half, because she thinks that you should be there as a family member regardless.

LadyintheRadiator · 18/02/2011 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yogididabooboo · 18/02/2011 20:00

I think yab a little unreasonable.

I think funerals are more for those left than those that died. I think your mother will want you there for her as much as her father.

To not go would seem like a slight on him. I can see why that would cause her upset.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 18/02/2011 20:08

If you feel your mum needs you there you should go, but otherwise yanbu
I wasn't able to be at the funerals of several family members, but was there to support the living in the months afterwards.

chipmonkey · 18/02/2011 20:42

I kind of feel YABU but feel free to ignore me as I'm Irish and we tend to attend everyone's funeral and get tutted at if we don't. The UK seems to be different.

Feelingsensitive · 18/02/2011 20:48

Talk to your mum first as ultimately it will be her who does or doesn't hold a grudge depending on your decision whereas your grandfather won't. Its therefore more about what she thinks.

muriel76 · 18/02/2011 20:51

If your mum needs you, then try to get there.

If not, then don't bother.

FellatioNelson · 18/02/2011 20:53

Unless you had any particular ishoos with him and did not want to go, then I think you should just bite the bullet and go.

Vallhala · 18/02/2011 20:55

I feel YABU bit ignore me too, because nothing on this earth would have prevented me from attending the funeral of my Grandad (and I too had to travel on a train for a long distance, taking with me my 6 and 7 year old daughters).
I can't imagine not wanting to go for his sake AND for my Mum's sake.

I feel very sad for you though that you weren't as lucky as me and didn't have such a close relationship with your Grandad.

Ask yourself how you think Mum will cope without you and then how you'll feel in a year's time and 10 year's time if you don't attend to say your goodbyes and act upon the answers perhaps?

eden263 · 21/02/2011 22:15

YANBU. My nan died last year. We knew she was really poorly and the day before she died, I travelled a long and expensive way by train with DD (approx 16 months old) to see her. I have little money and couldn't afford to go back again the following week for the funeral, plus I don't think I should've taken DD to a funeral, and the only person who would normally babysit (my Mum) was at the funeral herself. So I explained why I wouldn't be going to the family, who were fine and agreed with my decision.

It's nobody else's business who does or doesn't go to someone's funeral, or why. If nobody comes to mine, I don't give a stuff. I won't know any different.

verbalreasoning · 21/02/2011 22:26

If he wasn't worth visiting while alive it seems odd to bother with the funeral. YANBU>

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