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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my step children to do chores?

34 replies

MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:05

I have 3 children and 2 dsd's age 7 and 8.

We share custody with their mum. I love my dsd's as if they were my own and so that is how I treat them. Apart from the baby ( obviously) all of the children are expected to do the following,

Makes their beds and tidy rooms
Put dirty clothes in wash
Put shoes and coats in relevant place
Tidy up things they have been playing with
Take their own cups, plates etc into kitchen

I think this more than fair but dsd's mum is complaining that we are asking them to do too much. Apparently the girls have complained about having to tidy up after themselves. Their mum says that she thinks we are asking them to do too much and that " she believes in letting children be children".

It has now got to the point where their mum is basically insisting that we don't make them do these jobs or she will not let them come to ours.

What do we do? She is their mum and we want to respect her wishes but if we do it will end up with dsd's sat there while the others run round tidying up.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/02/2011 11:08

I cant see anything in that list that is more than polite considerate behaviour, and part of being responsible. They are not chores.

If you were making them hoover, polish, mow the lawn, etc.. that would be different.

All you are asking for is good behaviour.

Plumm · 18/02/2011 11:09

I don't think that's unreasonable at all - my 4 year old has to do the same.

If their mum does all that for them at home then she's making a rod for her own back (and her house must be pretty untidy).

As your DH shares custody I'm pretty sure she can't go to the courts and say she no longer wants him to see them because he makes them tidy up.

MrSpoc · 18/02/2011 11:09

tell her it is your house, your rules.

These are fundimental skills that the children need to learn and respect.

MrSpoc · 18/02/2011 11:11

Also get them to do more, i.e washing car, hovering and give them some pocket money for the trouble. they will soon lern that earning thier own money out ways any issues they have.

midori1999 · 18/02/2011 11:12

I agree that they are not chores or jobs as such and they certainly won't prevent 'children from being children' unless you feel that children should be allowed to be inconsiderate.

It's going to start to make things very awkward if their Mum is insisting on how you parent the DC at your home, especially if you have your ownj children (as you do) who are expected to do these things.

SecondMrsS · 18/02/2011 11:12

No.

Next... Grin

Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:12

See that's is, I think you do dc no favours by running round after them. They don't complain about it when they are here either.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 18/02/2011 11:14

YANBU..... All you're doing is teaching basic good habits & manners. She should be respecting your wishes, surely?

SecondMrsS · 18/02/2011 11:14

Oh and I'd be interested to hear how that court hearing turns out ha ha

You are being a responsible parent to the girls and teaching them morals, boundries, responsibilities, independance and consequences.

If their mother doesnt want to teach them taht in her house then fine, at least youre picking up the slack.

I would put together an email or letter to that effect and keep hold of it.

Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:15

My own dc are 12 and 10 and they actually do a bit more than dsd's. They also have to Hoover their rooms once a week and just started getting them to help out in the kitchen but they love doing that.

OP posts:
twilight3 · 18/02/2011 11:15

your house, your rules. These are NOT chores. So, in their mum's house do they throw their coats and shoes aroudn when they get in? Do they leae their used cups wherever they might happen to be?

The rules have to stay the same for all children or there will be tension. She has no ground to stop contact. The children are just being children and are trying to play their parents against each other, their mum is falling right into the trap.

Don't change a thing.

Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:17

Twilight, you are spot on!

OP posts:
femalevictormeldrew · 18/02/2011 11:17

I wouldn't even call that a list of chores, it is a list of common sense. YANBU at all.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/02/2011 11:19

Have they overexagerated to their mum what is e expected of them?

Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 11:19

Whilst it's not unreasonable at all I think the problem is coming from them having to adjust to different houses and different rules.

Of course they should tidy etc but if she does not make them they will find that coming to yors is a bit of an effort. They will compare it....oh "MinuteLaid is so strict" etc.

Why don't you reward them for their help to make it more attractive? I know they shouldnt expect it but they will see the advantage....it doesn't need to be cash etc...could be baking cakes...staying up later and so on.

twilight3 · 18/02/2011 11:19

So, your two eldest are not your dh's i take it? Do they see their dad? I'm just trying to et an idea of the dynamics in the family...

Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:21

We have said that they can all wash the car this weekend. They have been asking to do it for weeks. Their mum is going to have a fit!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 18/02/2011 11:22

I dont agree they should make their beds, tidy up after themselves sure, and put their stuff away and shoes. But beds? Nah.

Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:23

Not my eldest two are not dh's. They don't really see their dad, his choice, I left him when they were tiny, dh is the only dad they have ever really known.

OP posts:
Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:26

Quint, dh has explained what they are asked to do so she does know, although I don't doubt that the kids have exaggerated.

Teeny, they do already get rewards. On Saturday's we have a DVD night and they get to go and buy sweets etc and stay up late.

OP posts:
Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 11:29

I also think bed making is a bt tough when you're probably not tall enough to sort the sheets out though!

Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:31

When I say make their beds I mean chuck the duvet over. I don't insist on hospital corners Grin

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/02/2011 11:32

Making a bed with duvet at the age of 7 is perfectly reasonable. It only takes a shake of the thing to put it straight on the bed.

Original poster
MinuteLaidMemoo · 18/02/2011 11:34

Exactly squeaky

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 18/02/2011 11:34

YANBU