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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I had never started sodding co-sleeping?

47 replies

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 00:33

It was lovely when dd was a tiny baby but she is now 2.5 and won't bloody well go to bed without me. I'm at my wits end.

I wouldn't mind if she went to sleep at a reasonable hour then came into bed with me later but she is staying awake until 11 most nights. I have been bathing her, reading a story etc but she pretends to go to sleep then comes out of bed when I go downstairs. I have to keep going up there and putting her back into bed when I really would rather watch East Enders/shag/ do my jewellery making/paper work. I am so down at the moment and i'm afraid taht I've just snapped and yelled at her tonight as I'm so fucking miserable.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 00:34

BTW; I do think co-sleeping is fantastic btw but I am fed up with it now and I jsut want my bed back. she still breastfeeds at night because of co-sleeping and I want To stop this too. I have made a rod for my oen back and now I want out and dd in her own bed at 7.30.

OP posts:

outnumbered2to1 · 18/02/2011 00:48

oh you poor thing. I wish i had some words of wisdom for you but i can give you a hug till another more intelligent Mumsnetter gets here......

augustboymum · 18/02/2011 00:55

hi there, why not watch one of the videos on this site??

augustboymum · 18/02/2011 00:55

hi there why not watch one of videos on this site?

MrsCreamcake · 18/02/2011 00:55

No words of wisdom from here either whilst I'm in bed and have ds age 3 snoozing away next to me

All I will say is I keep telling myself he will only be young once and before I know it he will be all grown up and I will probably miss times like these

Not much help I know

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 00:56

Autumn; which video? Where? [desperate emoticon]

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 00:57

I don't mind co-sleeping at all if she comes into bed in the middle of the night but I need my evenings back.

OP posts:

outnumbered2to1 · 18/02/2011 01:02

i really can't help at all. I never did co-sleeping but my tow DS's did.. lol

its very rare that i don't get woken up my eldest (6) or his brother (3) looking for huggles in the middle of the night. DS2 practically moves in - bringing his blankie, teddies and cars some nights...

GotArt · 18/02/2011 01:02

You just need to stand your ground. She knows she wins. Until you stop letting her get her way, it will continue. I did cold turkey with DD at 20 months and it took about a week, but the last 6 months have been great. What she gets up in the morning, she comes in and we have a snuggle before getting up.

MrsCreamcake · 18/02/2011 01:04

Totally agree with you about wanting your evenings back

Ds won't go to bed without me (or dp if I'm at work) either although I must admit sometimes I don't mind him with me downstairs on an evening which is why the issue has only ever been tackled half heartedly at best

I am interested to see what replies your post recieves

Nux · 18/02/2011 08:01

The whole co-sleeping thing is advocated by Dr Sears, and a friend gave me his book - am trying to remember what he said re stopping. I definitely suggested setting up a 'bed' of some sort at the foot of your bed so they are not actually in with you, as a stepping stone to getting them out of your room completely. You might want to get his book from the library or check on his website?

2rebecca · 18/02/2011 08:16

I suspect snapping and yelling at her is what I would have done to my kids at that age if they hadn't gone to bed. Even my teenagers go to bed well before 11.
We never did co-sleeping as not enough room in the bed, the kids noisy sleepers, we like some privacy at night and I once pulled duvet over baby's head when fell asleep breast feeding by accident.
We've been fairly strict about bedtimes and any child getting up when put to bed without a good reason would be firmly marched back to bed and if they did it repeatedly we would be getting angry.
It's harder for you as she has 2 1/2 years of this routine behind her and it sounds as though she sees going to bed as a game.

buttonmooncup · 18/02/2011 08:22

Never co-slept but if dd gets out of her bed after she's been put down she gets a treat taken off her one/of her toys she takes to bed/no trip to the park the next morning or whatever (obviously providing shes's not ill/needing the toilet/other genuine reason!). She soon learned to stay in bed after I started doing this (after a few tantrums). And she gets a smiley face on her reward chart if she's good at bed time.

northernrock · 18/02/2011 08:33

Hmmm. Here is what I would suggest-
A many pronged attack:
It may take a week or so of you having no evening at all (!) but its worth it.
Firstly sweeten the deal by making her bedroom nicer in some way-a new doll, poster, cuddly toy or something.

Instigate bedtime on the first day at say, 9.
After you bath her, story,etc put her to bed and instead of going downstairs, putting on the telly, doing something interesting, go in your room and get into bed with the light off.
After a while she will come looking for you.
Firmly escort her back to bed saying "it's night. Time for sleeping"
Repeat until both exhausted..

Do this every night, making bedtime slightly earlier each time until it is where you want it.
This way, when she gets up to hang out with you, rather than getting interesting company there is nothing going on for her to join in with.

In addition, she gets a reward in the morning for going to sleep in her own bed-sticker chart is good. At the end of a week of sleeping in her own bed she gets a prize(whatever you both decide)

You have to be prepared for some tears and tantrums, but stand firm, be calm and kind but you have to get it thru to her-I know how crucial evenings are!

Good luck

Imnotaslimjim · 18/02/2011 08:33

I really feel for you, my DD was a nightmare to get to sleep. We didn't co-sleep but she would yell till 11-12pm every night, and end up falling asleep on the sofa

We ended it with controlled crying when she was 2.6, it took about a week. She sleeps great now, in bed and asleep by 7.30 and sleeps right through

You need to be strong to do it, and you preferably need two people or the crying will send you mad. Good luck!

Clothilde · 18/02/2011 08:41

I've co-slept with my two without problems, and DD moved into her own room by choice at 2 and a half, but there's no reason for you to carry on with something that is making you miserable, and your situation sounds pretty unfair on you unles your daughter has special needs that I'm not aware of. Co-sleeping/ breastfeeding an older toddler only really works if everyone involved is getting what they need, and it sounds as though your needs are being left out at the moment. The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers has some good ideas for this sort of thing. as suggested above, a separate bed in your room miight be a good place to start? My daughter spent a few months in Fifi and the Flowertots ready bed in our room before she moved out, and we also spent a few months with her dad putting her to bed and cuddling her to sleep which meant that it wasn't always my problem. In your situation, I'd probably leave her in your room for the time being, but (assuming her dad is around and available) get him to put her back to bed when she wakes up, but different things work for different families.

Lovesdogsandcats · 18/02/2011 08:48

Northernrock and Imnotaslimjim have it spot on. It works, it takes no more than 7 nights, its hell but it DOES work. Whatever you do, if you take one step back and give in, you're buggered for good. So, pick a week when not a lot is going on, because you will be at the top of the stairs/your bedroom for many hours for the first couple of nights putting her back in her own bed. Also, remember if she wakes in the night, don't put her in with you, keep putting her back to bed like you do at bedtime.

Persevere and it WILL work, and after a week she will be going to bed in her own bed and youm will have your evenings free.

ommmward · 18/02/2011 08:54

or... you can keep going to bed with your child and wake up earlier than them. Have that early morning fresh time as your time. Or have the child's nap time as your time.

PResumably the child sleeps X hours in 24, whenever those X hours are

In your shoes, I would invest in a little bed for your child to have right next to your bed to start with, (and so they can hop in at night if wanted) and I would invest in a torch so you can read/sew/whatever quietly in the same room while they are falling asleep. I had a period where I got a lot of reading done that way. :) You can do the "mummy is boring and not interacting bit", but without leaving them alone to try to fall asleep without the company they are used to.

I guess I'm advocating gradual withdrawal, with the emphasis on gradual.

northernrock · 18/02/2011 08:55

It does work (and honestly you can do it in a kind way iyswim)

My ds still sometimes climbs in bed with me in the night at about 4 am and i force myself to take him back to bed (which he does with no fuss)
It would be soooo much easier to just let him sleep there, and would make me a lot less tired, but we single parents have to be a lot stricter about it.

Think about it-when you do meet someone nice and want to have a real relationship are you going to kick your child out of your bed then? That would be a lot more traumatic I reckon.

Stay strong!

thefentiger · 18/02/2011 08:56

Agree with making her room nice-new duvet that she chooses etc and making it a positive event .
Nice bedtime routine and tell her your expectations -that she can cuddle her toys etc but you want her to stay in her bed.

If you put her back in your bed if she gets up she is getting the message that you are ok with this when in reality you are not.

northernrock · 18/02/2011 08:58

x posted ommmward-

I agreee that it need to be somewhat gradual, and I think the fact that in my method the parent is upstairs in the bedroom (nearby) does help with the child feeling less alone.

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 08:59

The problem is I have just met someone nioce and we are having a relationship which is why I need my bed and evenings back.

OP posts:

BaggedandTagged · 18/02/2011 08:59

I am in a similar situation atm, not with co-sleeping but with dealing with night wakings in 5mo who is not hungry, but just waking up.

My 2 options are

feed- takes 10 mins

2.re-settle- takes 40 mins

It's just sooo easy to give in and get back to bed.

I've now told myself that every time I take option 1, I've added another night of having to do option 2, with the risk that I'll be posting on here in a year, complaining that my 18 month old still has night feeds.

I'm on Night 3 of Option 2. It's getting better (slowly)

Keep the Faith!

Chandon · 18/02/2011 09:00

you WANTING this will make it happen.

you need determination for this sort of change to be successful.

I remember camping outside my DS bedroom door with a book, for an hour at bedtime to make sure he stayed in his own bed. After a week It was not necessary any longer.

Also, make very clear boundaries, probably better to tell her to not sleep in your bed at all, so as not to send confused message.

maybe give her something special, like a hot water bottle- furry animal. My DS loves his, it is something warm and special to cuddle.

Good luck!

northernrock · 18/02/2011 09:01

Have you posh?

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