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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I had never started sodding co-sleeping?

47 replies

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 00:33

It was lovely when dd was a tiny baby but she is now 2.5 and won't bloody well go to bed without me. I'm at my wits end.

I wouldn't mind if she went to sleep at a reasonable hour then came into bed with me later but she is staying awake until 11 most nights. I have been bathing her, reading a story etc but she pretends to go to sleep then comes out of bed when I go downstairs. I have to keep going up there and putting her back into bed when I really would rather watch East Enders/shag/ do my jewellery making/paper work. I am so down at the moment and i'm afraid taht I've just snapped and yelled at her tonight as I'm so fucking miserable.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 09:02

Her bedroom is georgeous btw. At Christmas I bought her a pink chandelier which she loves, there are piles of teddies, paintings that i have done myself and a rocking horse. I leave the dimmer switch on and she has one of those cute animal night lights. It's already lovely.

Thanks so much for your suggestions. Boyfriend is coming round later and I'm going to brief him. He might have toi stay away for a few nights until it is done. I'm not doing gradual. i'm doing cold turkey.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 09:04

I'm not going to let her in my bed anymore etc.

OP posts:

GiddyPickle · 18/02/2011 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

northernrock · 18/02/2011 09:08

Ok, I'm not saying this cos I am a jealous bitch (although I am!) but I would go a little easy on her if there is a new boyfriend in the picture.
DD may be feeling a little more clingy and needy because of him being around.
I definitely think he shouldn't be around when you are doing the stern mummy thing at bedtime, otherwise it will seem almost like you are dumping her for him iyswim?

I get that you are pissed off, but she doesn't really understand why, so it is up to you to be a bit softly softly about it.

northernrock · 18/02/2011 09:10

Oh, sorry, I just realised you said you were going to keep him away for a bit. Doh!

bubbleymummy · 18/02/2011 10:28

I don't think the issue is the cosleeping - i think it's the going to bed late and getting up lots!

I think the only way to get through that is persistence. Maybe some kind of reward if she stays in bed - or a punishment if she doesn't!

As far as moving her out of your bed goes. We started with moving DS1 into his own little bed in our room. He helped his daddy build it and had his own little pillow and duvet set and was quite excited about being in it. Sometimes he still came in to us in the middle of the night but be soon slept through in it and then it was nothing to move him into his own room. No tears or trauma for any of us! :)

bubbleymummy · 18/02/2011 10:32

Hmmm - I'm not sure cold turkey is the way to go if there's a new boyfriend. I'm with northernrock - she might feel a bit more insecure and think he is taking her place iykwim. Up to you obviously but I would be more inclined to go with the softly softly approach with a new man on the scene.

FanjolinaJolie · 18/02/2011 10:37

Gosh you both must be really exhausted.

Having a 2.5yo still awake at 11pm is doing her a great disservice, she must be really tried and it will be doing her no favours at all. I'd be seriously worried about how that lack of sleep is affecting her body and brain development.

Could you take her shopping and let her choose a new sippy cup or cup with a straw/drink bottle to go next to her bed if she's thirsty in the night?

Lovely and calming bedtime routine, tea, bath and stories in her room with lots of cuddles.

Rapid return to get her back to her bed?

You are giving her very mixed signals if you are happy to allow feeding throughout the night yet you want your evenings to yourself. I think you need to think really hard how you want this to go, then make a plan and stick to it.

catzcream · 18/02/2011 10:38

Personally wouldnt do cold turkey. Would move a single matress or something into her room as your bed and explain to her that she is now a big girl and will need to go into her own bed.

If she gets up and tries to snuggle in with you, then put her back in her bed.

Gradully move the mattress further away from her bed over the space of a week, moving it out completely eventually.

Reward charts will also work. Make a huge deal of it when she stays in her bed and reward the behaviour...what does she enjoy doing? Make part of rewards immediate - a little magazine perhaps for the first night she does a stretch in the bed on her own.

Please dont do cold turkey, I think it is quite cruel and it isnt her fault that you have suddenly decided that you dont want her in your bed. She won't understand this change of events and needs reassurance from you. I get it is probably annoying and it will be hard work, but be gentle and you will get there.

HerbWoman · 18/02/2011 10:55

We did rapid return when DS was a bit younger than your DD. It didn't take more than a few days (not even a week) but that first night was exhausting. He didn't get upset but would not stay in bed and he got up once a minute (I timed it!) for 2 hours. Then stayed in bed. I stayed upstairs because if I'd had to do the stairs that many times it would have killed me! The next night was better (didn't do it for 2 hours, although did get out a few times).

Good luck.

Sidge · 18/02/2011 11:42

Does she need the dimmer switch on as well as a nightlight? It might make her think that it's ok to get up as it's 'light'. I think most children sleep more deeply when it's dark, with maybe a nightlight in case they wake and need the toilet.

My DD3 is the lightest sleeper, a sparrow's fart wakes her up and I had to do the Rapid Return thing when she was about 2.5. It took about 3 nights and then she realised that bedtime meant get in bed and stay there!

Good luck.

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 18/02/2011 12:51

Hi all. OK; have decided cold turkey is not the way to go and rapid return is better.

She LOVES my new boyfriend but I can see that mabe she feels insecure. To be honest though; her sleep deteriated about a month before he came on the scene but because he wasn't on the scene, we weren't that bothered. I think the excirtement of Christmas and waiting for Santa really stirred her up. I am going to make a reward chart and buy her some rewards as goals. He is a lovely man and understands where I'm at although he was flattered as she wants to cuddle him when he comes over to see me.

I am so confused about this. I am so happy that she loves him and he loves her but at the same time I want alone time with him for obvious reasons.

OP posts:

FanjolinaJolie · 18/02/2011 14:04

Does your boyfriend stay overnight?

jaggythistle · 18/02/2011 15:02

BaggedandTagged - mine is now 16 months old and I always did option 1. I am indeed quite lazy

He sleeps all night and only ever wakes for feeds/comfort when he is ill or teething, so it's not a guarantee of problems so don't worry. He has been in his own room since 5.5 months.

5 months is quite young to stop night feeds.

GotArt · 19/02/2011 00:25

Cold turkey isn't cruel. You can still give the kindness and reassurance she needs to understand that her bed is in her room and that's where she is to sleep from now on. Just don't get cross with her or frustrated. Only pull her door enough to allow a little hall light to come so she can come out easily and doesn't feel closed in. Having a bedtime routine of bath, books and cookie (half of digestive is perfect bedtime snack) and a night night song is good. Its going to be hard, but setting perimeters with children is.

BaggedandTagged · 19/02/2011 00:28

Jaggy- it's more that he's usually not hungry when he wakes at night, and I find that if I feed him at night when not hungry just to get him back to sleep, it knocks on to poor morning feeding and becomes a bit of a cycle (poor daytime feeding and making it up at night)

Anyway, last night he woke absolutely ravenous so I was back on Option 1. Ah well. The best laid plans and all that

GotArt · 19/02/2011 00:29

And do this to get her into bed at least before 8pm

humanoctopus · 19/02/2011 01:02

Hi. I have sucessfully co-slept with all of our children.
I think that all co-sleepers reach that scratchy 'go away' stage, and its really not too difficult to manage.
Firstly, I would suggest that you chuck out any notion of getting her into a non-co sleeping routine in 7 days. Its possible, but not a happy all round solution to a long term situation.
All my children were co-sleepers, and took to their own beds and never returned (not ever, even when spooked by dreams, etc), but mostly they were closer to 3 years old.
It usually meant them sleeping or resting for part of the night in my bed and then me sleeping in their bed for the rest of the night. Whereupon they would wake in my bed and come and find me, and come and snuggle until asleep, and then I would go back to my bed, and so on.
Can I just say, that nothing is perfect, so don't beat yourself up about the choices you made earlier in your parenting experience.
My older kids talk in great terms about the lovely nights of chats in our bed (but I can only remember cold nipples and sleep disturbed nights!!).
Go slowly, and remember that all parenting is a process, and that ye are a family, constantly expanding to accommodate the lives ye encounter.
Good luck.

SueWhite · 19/02/2011 01:24

Well I think she's old enough for you to put her into her own bed, as you can explain things to her so she won't get upset. She may not be 100% happy with it for a few days but I reckon it should be fairly painless.

jaggythistle · 19/02/2011 07:08

Bagged oh i see... it didn't seem to affect my DS's morning feed much, no matter how many time's he'd been up.

hope it all settles down for you soon. :)

ensure · 19/02/2011 08:18

Is she still having a nap? Maybe you could try to see if she is ready to drop that?

frazzle26 · 20/02/2011 16:35

Myself and my son co-slept between the ages of about 4 and 5.5. It was after I split from his dad and I think he was unsettled. Anyway, when I decided to stop, we had several chats about it where I explained that it had to stop. The first night he went to bed as usual at 7pm. He then tried to get into bed with me at 10pm as usual. I put him back and he cried/screamed/begged/pleaded etc to be allowed to sleep with me. It took about an hour to get him to sleep. This happened approx 3 times during the night. This went on for a further 3 nights and then on the 4th night he had obviously got the message because he slept in his bed the whole night. He is now 8 and very rarely sleeps with me- probably once every couple of months.

It is hard but you can do it OP. Good luck!!

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