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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think MIL should mind her own business?

45 replies

Lilliesandroses · 17/02/2011 09:39

My MIL, who I get on OK with, works for a bank. Her DS, my DH, has a bank account at said bank. I have never been overly happy that he banks there, as I know she would be able to look at his account, but didn't think she really would.

However, lately she has commented on shops she has seen 'debits come out of his account' from, and also on a few occasions how much he earns! The only way she could know this is by looking as he hasn't told her.

She also asks how much we spend on things ALL THE TIME. Such as rent, holidays... everything really.

AIBU to tell her to mind her own business, and how do I do this in a non confrontational manner??

OP posts:

BiscuitNibbler · 17/02/2011 09:42

Move the account straight away! Although it would be tempting to do some dodgy shopping first just to get a reaction...

BlingLoving · 17/02/2011 09:43

I am laughing. Ruefully.

DH's uncle's second question to me when he met me was, "how much do you earn?"

Some families seem to think it is entirely normal to know this level of detail.

I would say however, that her peeking into DH's account is not only wrong, but also likely to get her sacked from her work place. Surely DH should tell her to stop?

muddleduck · 17/02/2011 09:44

move the account.

now.

TotorosOcarina · 17/02/2011 09:45

My mum is like this only shes a doctors receptionist

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 17/02/2011 09:45

I would challenge her - ask her how she knew about your dh's pay, and the debits that have come out of the account. And I would tell her straight out that I do not think she should be looking at your dh's account and that your financial business is private.

If you complained to her employers, surely she could get into trouble, couldn't she? It cannot be allowable for an employee to access account info for a relative or friend, just for nosiness?

And then I agree with BiscuitNibbler - I would move the account.

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 17/02/2011 09:46

Tell her that if she looks at your bank account one more time you will be forced to inform her employer. What she's doing is illegal. She's not allowed to look up anyones account if she isn't dealing with them in her day to day work.

alicet · 17/02/2011 09:46

I wouldn't be happy with this and tbh would prefer dh to change banks in this situation but not sure you can force him. He may also not mind his mum having access to this information and tbh if it is his sole account (not a joint account with you) then that is his business really.

You could tell him that you are uncomfortable with this or that you are concerned about your mil as clearly this is a temptation for her and if her work found out that she was accessing his account without his permission (and there will be a very clear audit trail if this is the case) that she could be disciplined or even fired.

Another way round it is set up a joint account together and find some good deals elsewhere to show your dh.

As far as your mil goes when she asks just tell her that you'renot comfortable discussing your finances with anyone other than your dh as to you this is a private matter. If she persists then being a bit more rude blunt would not be unreasonable

squeakytoy · 17/02/2011 09:47

move the account,

It must be very tempting to want to report her, as she is most certainly committing gross misconduct, but that would probably cause an enormous rift in the family and not worth that.

eatmyfood · 17/02/2011 09:47

Some people just have no concept of privacy. I once caught my MIL going through our bank statements, which were in a locked filing cabinet in our study - apparently she was "looking for a pen" .

When I was expecting ds1 I came in one day to find her settled on the sofa with a cup of tea and my maternity notes.

Tortington · 17/02/2011 09:47

change bank pronto

then kick her in the fanjo

Honeybee79 · 17/02/2011 09:49

Move the account. Confront her and tell her it's unacceptable. I would also be tempted to report her to her employer though that would probably destroy family relations.

Wamster · 17/02/2011 09:49

I suspect that if what you say is correct and you complained about it, it would earn your mil a severe reprimand.
If I were you, I would give her warning that if you hear her mentioning your finances again, you will have no choice but to make a complaint.
Either that, or change bank.

Original poster

Lilliesandroses · 17/02/2011 09:51

Hmmm DH has finally agreed, based on these latest comments that he will move the account. He has always been able to use banking there to his advantage in the past, when he was a student etc, his mum could make fast transfers into his account when he was broke at the cashpoint!

It's more the fact that she is so nosey and bothered by how much he earns/what he spends his money on. We do have a joint account, which I have ensured takes care of all the family finances, but her noseyness seems to get the better of her and it seems she is always asking what we spend on stuff so she can build up a mental picture of our finances!

Like I said, I get on OK with her, so don't want to be horrible or get her into trouble, but I just find the constant questions difficult to fend off.

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 17/02/2011 09:57

Custardo has it right as usual

Does your DH know she's doing this, and if so is he ok with it?

I'd tell him that he needs to move banks in case her activities come to light. He'd hate her to get fired for gross misconduct and she absolutely would. If you approach it in a 'trying to protect her' way, then he should be ok with it.

If he won't agree then you will have to speak to her, and warn her that you will be contacting the bank if she continues. Then again, she could continue to snoop but say nothing

It's shockingly inappropriate behaviour IMO, even for a nosy cow like me.

marriednotdead · 17/02/2011 09:58

Sorry, x posted.

Glad he's agreed. Don't tell her you're doing it!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/02/2011 09:59

Oh yes. It is certainly time to move the account!

I am reasonably sure she could be disciplined for abusing her position like this, to keep tabs on someone's spending!

mousymouse · 17/02/2011 10:05

I wouldn't be happy with it and possibly reporting her to her manager.

Lucy85 · 17/02/2011 10:05

Do some shopping at Ann Summers.
Then move the account. Or complain to the bank?!

curlymama · 17/02/2011 10:09

You're doing the right thing. Definately move the account.

When she questions it, tell her that you were worried about privicy and security at the other bank, but without directly telling her why if you don't want to cause a row. She will know why, and will hopefully feel suitably ashamed.

alicet · 17/02/2011 10:19

Actually when she questions it you can ask her outright how she knows? If she wasn't checking the account she wouldn't know this since presumably the bank has hundreds of customers and she isn't her sons bank manager?

roadkillbunny · 17/02/2011 10:26

I used to work for a bank, it was always made extreemly clear that accessing the accounts of anybody we knew would cost us our jobs. If somebody we knew came through on the phone to us we were to transfer to another advisor even if the person didn't mind for the protection of all parties. I find what your mil is doing shocking, get the accounts moved to a different bank asap, if it were anyone other then your mil I would be saying complain but the fall out would be massive, I would be getting dh to have a quiet word incase there are other family members she is doing the same with, maybe he will be able to save her job for her, all it would take is a random audit of her logon for her to end up oin huge trouble without any complaints being made, this is just why they often do random checks, she has been lucky to get away with it so long.

Lambzig · 17/02/2011 10:49

That is outrageous. Definitely move accounts and get your DP to talk to her. She could lose her job and roadkillbunny is right, she could get caught in a spot audit really easily.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 17/02/2011 10:54

I would order all manner of things from LoveHoney, or GiantDildosRUs. Perhaps purchase a gimp suit, that sort of thing. Then move the account (and return any unwanted sex toys, obviously).

minibmw2010 · 17/02/2011 11:08

I would imagine for something like this (and where its clear she's doing it regularly, not just a one-off) it wouldn't be a reprimand, it'd be a dismissal. Obviously I can imagine you don't want to go down this route as its your MIL, but the woman is mad to do this, she really is.

I would go with the advice of move the account, but don't tell her, it'll drive her potty to realise she can't track him/you when its done and that in itself is a great revenge.

scotsgirl23 · 17/02/2011 12:13

I've worked in a big bank, and we were told this would be a dismissal. I remember one girl panicking as she was working on an automatic dialler which opened the account if the call connected, and it called her mum!

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