Need some help so posting here , please dont flame me

[SunshineisSorry]

I've struggled with anxiety/dpression since i had DD five years ago.Lots of reasons, bereavement, debt, genral overload and PND?

Its back in such a bad way, i think i feel worse now than i did before. Totally out of control, you will see that if you look at the other threads i have posted this week in relationships and chat- im mortified.

I was doing ok, looking for work etc, but its going badly and we are struggling financially. I am just going out of my head. I don't want to go back on citalopram becuase it made me not give a shit for three years and i let everything just carry on and on, had counselling but it just turned into a whine fest where the counsellor would let me go and moan about how crap my life was for an hour, it went on for a year and i enjoyed it, looked forward to it, but now realise it did nothing for me whatsoever, possibly because i didnt embrace it?

This week i have been so up and down that i could describe my behaviour as Bi-polor, which im not making an armchair diagnosis of, i know i am not bi-polar, just such extremes, mostly i am so anxiious i feel like a coiled spring and ijust want to run, or scream, but i darent scream because i wont stop. Yesterday was the worst though, because i was high as a kite, on the bloody ceiling, couldnt stop talking, kept having to touch my fingers on my thumb over and over just to be moving, felt euphoric even, people noticed blush I blame a cup of coffee i had, maybe htat was it, have been off coffee as it upsets my tummy. But no, i was like it all day - was worse after the cofffee though. That was worse than the lows to be honest

Had vile argument with DP tonight, hes still not home Im going to drive him away, there is a trigger for this but its not SO bad, iyswim.

sorry for crap typing, shaking blush

Sunshine I don't know what to say but am bumping this in the hope that someone else better will come along.

You sound like you need a referral to a psychiatrist, not just a counsellor, to help you deal. Can your DP support you in requesting this?

Can you text your DP right now and say sorry, it's not you, it's your illness, and please can he come home?

:(

So what are u asking AIBU about?
Sounds like u have good insight to what u r like, which is a good battle. I'm quite liking the sound of citalopram, I could really do with not giving a shit bout stuff!!

Yeah text your DP and say sorry and come home.
Maybe some CBT is whats required to help look at triggers and work out changes from there. Now u r off the citalopram and do give a shit maybe you'll embrace the therapy this time.

Anxiety, particularly when an ongoing state of affairs, can make you feel particularly "mental", and the whole coiled spring, jumpy thing is perfectly natural, if you get my drift.

You are (caution armchair diagnosis), probably not bipolar. You are (again, huge armchair diagnosis warning) probably depressed and anxious, and the two of those go hand in little glove (bless them) and exhausted? Ongoing depression and anxiety have a way of taking it out of you. The little b@uggers also make you think you have done stuff when you haven't, so don't be too worried about the blushing/finger rubbing really doubt that people noticed, and if they did, I would put hard cash on them not thinking too much about it.

When we are tired, anxious, broke and despondent, all seems lost and "normality" an unreachable goal. It isn't, and you don't have to reach it via tablets you have found don't agree with you -- go to your GP, tell them how you feel, and ask to try a different AD, and keep going till you find one that works for you. Or till you find another way of coping that works.

How long have you been off the citalopram?

YANBU to not want to go back on citalopram if you feel like it deadened your emotions (personally I find it more like it gives me an even keel and is a welcome holiday from how I was feeling before).

But...you need to have a chat to your GP and see what they have to say. if you've not been long off the ADs could it be that that's making it feel so spiraly out of control? Maybe different ADs. Different counselling - CBT rather than just talking it through (gives you active coping tools to deal with how you're feeling rather than talking through the whys and wherefores). I thought it'd be rubbish but actually it was pretty helpful.

Please go back and speak to your GP. They might think a different AD might work, or a different type of therapy (I've had cognitive behaviour therapy which was helpful, even though for me, counselling didn't help much). Maybe a different counsellor would help too, sometimes it takes a few false starts to find one who can help.

Good luck.

Firstly, cut out the coffee. Have some tea but no espressos! It can definitely make you jittery & if it does, you are likely to interpret that as a 'head' issue, rather than something more simple, like a caffeine overload.

Secondly, speak with your GP. You will be OK. There is help out there and if it's not the cilatopram, perhaps something else. Sounds like you are under a lot of pressure still, so don't rule out something mild which might help you deal with it all, rather than being so much 'in your own head' if you know what I mean. Sometimes being over-analytical of your thoughts and feelings is a spiral itself.

I have used a drug in the past called buspar. I did not take it all the time, just when i was having a bad anxiety attack. it did numb me but it chilled me out do I could sleep and I was able to look at things a bit more rationally.
keep yourself away from triggers - cut out ALL caffeine, alcohol, and drugs. don't read the paper or watch the news if that cab freak you out (it did to me). just focus on what keeps you calm.
see your gp about seeing a psychologist. I find yoga classes and a healthy diet with lots of sleep helps keep my anxiety at bay.

Sunshine are you still there? Are you OK?
Your post shows a self awareness that I think will help get you through. Agree with roomonthebroom re CBT - it might really help you.
You mentioned that you have money problems. If you want to PM me with more details I might be able to help, I am trained as a debt and benefits adviser. I would have to answer tomorrow though.
I don't know what you've written on other threads, but please don't be mortified. Today's threads are tomorrow's virtual chip paper!
Thinking of you.

really sorry to post and run, i got pretty short shrift from him to be fair but who can blame him. Thankou for the freplies.

chilli, i have a box of buspar in my cupboard, and a box of citalopram for that matter - I was given the buspar to complement the citalopram. I did consider taking it, but was told that it doesnt work straight away, i was but when i googled thats what it said to, but my doctor gave it to me as a one off. Will check with doctor.

DP now saying he doesn't want me to go to the doctors, but i dont think he really gets it, i dont think he understands and he isnt in the right place in his own head to help me (stress taking toll on him too), also, when it is him directly taking the brunt of my nuttiness its difficult for him to remain sympathetic.

Hi Sunshine
Still thinking of you!
Surely going to the docs can't do any harm and will benefit your DP if it results in you being more well? Perhaps he doesn't want to think of you as ill as he thinks you will see this as an "excuse" for any unreasonable behaviour on your part? Or maybe acknowledging that your anxiety is a health problem would cause him to look at his own mental health in a way he's not ready to yet?
I don't want to be pushy but I really am happy to try and help with your financial problems if you want to talk about this further off-thread?

Hi sunshine - really sorry you are struggling. I MIGHT be able to give you a little bit of advice if you PM me - DO go to the doctor but make sure you explain properly, and if you don't think you can by yourself, please take trusted family member/partner who can explain clearly the affect your curent state and behaviour are having on your loved ones. Best wishes.

rod thankyou for the offer of debt advice, to be fair, I have had lots of advice from national debtline so i dont need any help in those terms, but thankyou very much.

Just so angry with myself, i thought i was better

Sunshine, don't be harsh with yourself, you've done nothing wrong and you need yourself on your own side ifswim! Treat yourself like a good friend who is going through a tough time.

I agree with everything DoubleCrown said.

FWIW, I have been where you are and it's bloody awful. I wouldn't wish it on my own enemy and I'm so sorry you are going through this. But, it doesn't always have to be like this and you CAN get better.

Re your partner, it's very hard for a partner to completely understand or say/do the right thing. My ex was at his wits end when I had depression, and more recently (now that I'm better) another more recent ex suffered from depression and even though I had been through it myself, I still found it hard to deal with. Depression is not a very logical state of mind to deal with, so it's hard to find reason or to do what every partner wants to do, which is to help.

I've been on Prozac for years and it's definitely the right medication for me. I don't feel like I'm on anything, my feelings aren't numbed, I get lows and highs like everyone else, I just feel normal (I feel more like I'm on drugs when I'm not taking ad's!). I still have to keep an eye on things - so I do other things like make sure I excercise regularly, use what I've learned from CBT and NLP, look after myself emotionally, mentally and physically etc.

I had similiar traits to you. Funny enough I also am affected by excess caffiene the same way (more so when I was depressed as I suppose you're more sensitive). I would also have mood swings, I thought it was bi polar too but dr said they were normal symptoms of depression/anxiety.

I am generally very happy with my life and never thought I'd get here. You can too, you just need to find what works for you. I had to change docs until I found one that I could really work with.

Books that have helped me include "Healing without Freud or Prozac" by David Servan-Schreiber (dodgy title but an invaluable source of very helpful information) and also Paul Mckenna's "I can make you happy" - may be a bit corny for some but has been life changing for me!

All your problems will seem to be much bigger and unsurmountable than they are at the moment, so just bear that in mind. Your priority is to get your mental health back on track which will then give you the clear thinking you need for every day problem solving and coping with things.

Hi Sunshine, hope you're feeling a bit better today. I'm glad you've already sought advice about your money situation and are getting the advice you need. Thinking of you x

Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time sunshine (hug)

Did you stop taking citalopram gradually? Very gradually, under your GP's supervision? If you came off abruptly you can have a serious dip - it is not 'you' but the kickback from abruptly stopping ADs. Please start taking them again, especially if you stopped abruptly or over a short period of time. It is common for people to come off ADs abruptly or too quickly for a variety of reasons - sadly, it is often a disaster . I took 18 months to come off ADs, the last 6 months taking it in liquid form, dropping tiny amounts over that time, using a syringe. I may have taken a long time to come off but I wanted to avoid any kickback. See your GP if you want to change your meds but I really would advise that you go back on ADs asap.

In the meantime, try to sleep and eat well - this is SO important. Take Kalms, which are brilliant for taking the edge off (does what it says on the tin!), to help with general anxiety/feeling hyper and to help you to sleep. Try to take what exercise you can, push yourself, even if it's a walk around the block. Walk rather than drive if you can, breath properly, deep into your stomach not your shoulders, when you think of it and make it a habit - anxiety can cause shallow breathing which completely messes up your thinking (not enough oxygen). Don't listen to your catastrophising thoughts, tell them you can't entertain them, even if they do carry on babbling away, don't engage. Take it a day at a time, don't think about tomorrow or 'the future' - get through each day, each hour if that is what is needed.

I can't take caffeine - I'm not surprised you were bouncing off the ceiling after a cup of coffee and agree with you that the raw buzz you can get from caffeine is horrible. I have given up trying to have the odd cup of coffee or tea, just not worth it. I'm a rooibosch girl and love it. Packed full of antioxidants too, which is a bonus .

Money worries have a way of hitting the jugular and bringing you down in record time. This too shall pass. It may be a cliche but it is true - it always does, every time.

Thinking of you and hope this crisis passes soon x

You need different medication Efexor is fantastic and I swear it saved my life.

I used to take citalopram but these new pills rock.

You are having a breakdown and need urgent help. Please see your GP they will help you, tell them you don't want to take citalopram.

They will provide something else.

YOu need Anti'd's to be able to manage to get through the day.

Take one day at a time, some days will be worse than others.

Little things for a while will seem huge but it will change with help.

I hit crisis point yesterday - went to the doctors, ok it wasn't my own doctor but i was a basket case really, blubbing, shaking, pretty much rocking in my seat - he gave me a self help leaflet :(

I hope your GP also changed your meds sunshine! Did you come off suddenly and are you retaking the citalopram? You must do one or the other, change or carry on with citalopram. I know too many people who have had a very difficult time indeed due to stopping ADs before they were ready. Please don't listen to your DH about not taking them - you need to for the time being as you aren't well yet. When you're well you can stop taking them but that usually takes a while, usually months/years until you are steady. It takes a long time to get seriously depressed/anxious and the recovery is long too. Some good days, some not so good, as fabbychic says.

I second Effexor. I didnt get on with any other pills, but Effexor changed my life! tey are awesome!

(hug) So sorry you are feeling so shit.

You sound a bit like me!

See you own dr as soon as possible and explain everything!

A self-help leaflet? Was that all he gave you? No suggestion of more counselling, or a different AD?

You do need professional help and let it all out at the Doctors. Don't hold back and don't be embarassed. I suffer from anxiety and have been exactly where you have, I had CBT which made me feel human again.

The only other tips I can give is cut out all alcohol, I rarely drink now but didn't drink at all for about two years when I was rerally in a bad place.

The other is burn off your adrenalin, I don't mean go to the gym especially just move about. I used to literally jog on the spot in the middle of the night in my hall when I could feel my levels rise. It helps burn off the adrenalin.

I know what you mean about meds, they di just numb everything but sometimes they are needed.

I'm really sorry you feel so crap, when I was desperate I rang Samaritans once and it did help me.

Ok, First you need to get some one to help, and fast.

It does sound like this could be something that needs to be talked through with a CPN, but more likley sounds like it could be a break.

Doctors NOW, preferably take some one with you, DH, DM PIL any ONE that knows you and that you trust.

If all else fails then call NHS direct and ask for help from them. I am really worried that this is friday and it does no sould like you can wait untill monday.

please get to a doctor. if this is a break (there are various types and I am NOT a doctor) things can change very fast, you need to be seen and quickly.

regretfully some gps are not good on the brain side of things, calck this last one up as a idiot in this department and go back and try again, keep trying. it is difficult sometimes to access help but you have to.

Oh and I second the samaritians (used to vauluter, no one will judge you, but they will listen)

I would alos really worry about a dh who did not want you to go to the doctors when in this sort of state.