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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be considering counselling over this?

33 replies

blue2711 · 16/02/2011 12:32

Have talked and talked to DH and friends about this and still feel absolutely churned up and miserable. Long story, but in a nutshell: I'm 33 and have just found out that I have a secret half sister and brother, both younger than me. My parents are still together. It turns out that dad has been living a double life for over 30yrs. The other family knew about me and even my mum knew the basic outline of what was going on. It was just me completely in the dark. It came out really randomly when someone said to me ' oh I met your brother the other day' - I'm an only child. Or was. I tried speaking to my dad about it and he was furious, shouting at me that it wasn't any of my business and not to play the victim.

I've since spoken to my half sister and she has filled me in on what has been going on. My dad hasn't spoken to me for 2 months now and he and my mum are just carrying on as usual. My mum had one awkward conversation with me when she said I shouldn't let this get to me and made it clear that she wanted the outward pretence should continue. She seems to have no understanding of how hurt I feel, even though we have always been close. I am still seeing my mum regularly but things feel strained.

I don't know whether I'm being a baby - after all I've got my own lovely family now - but I feel like I have been bereaved and no-one is acknowleging it. I've lost my dad and the family and childhood I thought I had, if that doesn't sound too melodramatic. Sometimes I feel OK, and others it hits me and I just want to weep. I keep mulling things over and over and never get anywhere.

Would appreciate some advice: should I just get on with things and get over it or go and talk to someone professionally to try and resolve things? I've always been happy positive person and almost feel embarrassed to go and seek help over something that perhaps isn't actually that bad, like I'm being pathetic? Help!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 16/02/2011 12:36

YANBU at all. Really you are not. Those you loved and trusted have lied and deceived you and are now blaming you for daring to be upset - outrageous!

I'm not sure where you should go from here but talking it through with someone not involved would seem very sensible.

realrabbit · 16/02/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

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diddl · 16/02/2011 12:55

Good grief!

I definitely couldn´t cope with that without help!

Your parents both sound very strange, to put it mildly.

I would take me a long time to want anything to do with them I think.

UltimateFucker · 16/02/2011 13:02

Your dad, quite frankly, is behaving like a selfish twat Angry. How dare he shout at you and expect you to carry on as if nothing has happened.

Yes, get some counselling to help you deal with your feelings.

TyraG · 16/02/2011 13:02

Counselling would definitely help you sort your feelings out.

IMO I think your dad is behaving like a dickhead for getting upset that you found out (from an uninvolved third party no less) that he's been living a lie.

BillBrysonsRucksack · 16/02/2011 13:04

Definitely go and get some counselling blue. You've been put in an impossible situation and there is no way you should be expected to cope with something of that magnitude on your own.

I know it's a bit different but I am currently seeing a MH nurse for depression, and she is brilliant. She never judges me and I feel I can just rattle on about anything to her! Any counsellor that you see will be able to help you find strategies to deal with your situation whilst letting you talk, and they will not judge you or think that you are being silly. I promise!

notrightnow · 16/02/2011 13:07

Finding out this kind of secret in adulthood is horrible and really affects how you look back on your childhood, and your own adult relationships. I think your reaction is wholly understandable and normal. I would definitely get some counselling - just talking it all through will be a huge help, I'm sure.

TheSkiingGardener · 16/02/2011 13:09

You are absolutely right in saying you feel bereaved. That is what you are going through and whatever support you need for that is fine. Counselling included!

Original poster
blue2711 · 16/02/2011 13:10

Thank you so much for your support. You've given me the courage to look into getting some help.

diddl is right: my parents are very unusual and stiff upper lip. Unlike me, they both hate talking about emotions and manage to make me feel that I am the strange one.

Any advice about where to go from here? GP to be referred or just straight to private counsellor?

OP posts:
Jamillalliamilli · 16/02/2011 13:11

YANBU IMO and I'm of the 'get on with it' camp on many things. The foundations of who you think you and they are, ie an only child who knew her family well, have been knocked, and not only's there no support, but denial that you'd need any. Get help to return to being that happy positive person you are.:)

cory · 16/02/2011 13:12

Agree with others: I couldn't cope with this something like this either without outside help and I don't believe most people could.

Jamillalliamilli · 16/02/2011 13:13

These people should be able to advise where to take 'less usual' problems to: www.instituteoffamilytherapy.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=10&Itemid=78

sixpenguins · 16/02/2011 13:15

Most definitely YANBU at all. Your parent's reaction (especially your Dad's) beggars belief. You are NOT being a baby...makes me so Angry on your behalf that their reaction has made you question your completely understandable response.

TheSkiingGardener · 16/02/2011 13:18

BACP is the british association of counselling and psychotherapy. Anyone competent should be registered with them or with UKCP. The BACP website has a good find a therapist link and information on types of therapy available.

Flisspaps · 16/02/2011 13:19

YANBU. And I say that as someone who found out at 19 that she had a secret half brother and sister both younger than her. The difference was that my parents were already divorced, and there was no contact with the children.

It was the secrecy and years of lies that got me - having more siblings wasn't an issue.

diddl · 16/02/2011 13:22

It´s quite the same as stiff upper lip though.

Your parents have lived a lie for many years & expect you just to accept it now that you know.

That´s just not on.

Perhaps your Dad is furious as he´s not in control any more?

Honeybee79 · 16/02/2011 13:24

YANBU. Sorry to hear that you're having a rubbish time and that your parents have been behaving so badly towards you.

Counselling would be a good idea in my view.

Original poster
blue2711 · 16/02/2011 13:29

Diddl you have hit the nail on the head: my dad is livid that I know and that my sister and I have spoken and shared things. He hates feeling powerless and is playing the victim. He even said to my sister that he was thinking about killing himself and it would be our fault. He's not speaking to her either now though. All he would say is that he wanted it to come out when he was dead.

Flisspaps, you are right too. I am actually quite happy about my sister as we are really alike in lots of ways and she is lovely. The brother has sided with my dad and isn't speaking to either of us. The scale of the deceit just makes me sick to the stomach: so so many lies that I, like an idiot, believed.

Thanks for the recommendations - I'm going to look into them this evening when DS is in bed. Thank goodness for him and DH!

OP posts:
diddl · 16/02/2011 13:37

It´s lovely that you get on with your sister.

Your brother sounds as emotionally immature as your Dad.

Hope all goes well.

Jamillalliamilli · 16/02/2011 13:38

He wanted it come out when he was dead so he wouldn't have to face the responsibility of being 'judged'. Tough, he needs to get over himself.

Remember that however unsettling, all these things are actually your past, keep building yourself that good future. :-)

MaybeTomorrow · 16/02/2011 13:43

This is a horrific situation for you and I cannot believe that your parents are not sitting you down and talking through the situation.

I definitely think that you need to talk to someone. I'm so sorry that you're suffering with this. Sad

mummytime · 16/02/2011 13:45

If you have a sympathetic type GP I would suggest going to them for a referral or a suggestion of a local agency who can help (if they are an unsympathetic type I would suggest moving GP).

Your parents are both being utterly unreasonable about this (assuming there is nothing you haven't told us, such as you attacking your father when you discovered). You do need to get someone you can talk to, and work through your emotions with. Be aware that if your parents act like this in these circumstances, there could be a lot of little things in the past that could also need to be dealt with.

Good luck!

fedupwithdeployment · 16/02/2011 13:48

My mother died when I was in my early 20s and 6 weeks later my dad told me that she had (before they met) had 2 DCs with different partners and they had both been adopted.

This messed me up for a while. Never had a great relationship with her and she had a lot of issues.

subsequently I have met one of the DCs, but to be honest we don't have much in common (other than children and living in the same part of the country). The other one has not contacted us.

do go for the counselling - I am sure it will help you. Your situation is far more complex than mine. The one thing that struck a chord about your story is your Father's desire for it to have come out after he died. My Dad encouraged my mother to tell us, but she couldn't. She was too mortified.

thx1138 · 16/02/2011 13:52

Outrageous behaviour! Your father I mean, threatening suicide instead of facing the situation he has created, not to mention the hurt and dealing with it reasonably. Has he been a good father to you otherwise or mostly selfish and childish.

You should prioritise finding a therapist or counsellor to help you work through this. I would approach your GP first for a recommendation.

MorticiaAddams · 16/02/2011 14:00

YANBU and I am really shocked at your parents' attitude.

You have every right to be upset and definitely need to speak with somebody.