to be considering counselling over this?

[blue2711]

Have talked and talked to DH and friends about this and still feel absolutely churned up and miserable. Long story, but in a nutshell: I'm 33 and have just found out that I have a secret half sister and brother, both younger than me. My parents are still together. It turns out that dad has been living a double life for over 30yrs. The other family knew about me and even my mum knew the basic outline of what was going on. It was just me completely in the dark. It came out really randomly when someone said to me ' oh I met your brother the other day' - I'm an only child. Or was. I tried speaking to my dad about it and he was furious, shouting at me that it wasn't any of my business and not to play the victim.

I've since spoken to my half sister and she has filled me in on what has been going on. My dad hasn't spoken to me for 2 months now and he and my mum are just carrying on as usual. My mum had one awkward conversation with me when she said I shouldn't let this get to me and made it clear that she wanted the outward pretence should continue. She seems to have no understanding of how hurt I feel, even though we have always been close. I am still seeing my mum regularly but things feel strained.

I don't know whether I'm being a baby - after all I've got my own lovely family now - but I feel like I have been bereaved and no-one is acknowleging it. I've lost my dad and the family and childhood I thought I had, if that doesn't sound too melodramatic. Sometimes I feel OK, and others it hits me and I just want to weep. I keep mulling things over and over and never get anywhere.

Would appreciate some advice: should I just get on with things and get over it or go and talk to someone professionally to try and resolve things? I've always been happy positive person and almost feel embarrassed to go and seek help over something that perhaps isn't actually that bad, like I'm being pathetic? Help!

Well, yes, they've invalidated everything you believed about your own family background. Hell of a shock! On top of that, you've discovered that your father is a control freak who's more interested in his own games than his daughter's feelings

The same thing happened to my father. It went some way towards explaining why he was such an angry man. Congratulations on not having become a psychopath

I think counselling is the way forward for you. Please be aware that many counsellors have no specific knowledge of family fuck-ups and can do more harm than good - look for someone who's experienced with 'inner child' issues.

You might find John Bradshaw's "Family Secrets" helpful.

OP What a horrible situation for you!

Both my parents are dead now but when my dad died my siblings and I found out that he had had several affairs while still being married to our mother and for a while we were almost expecting someone to appear claiming to be a secret half brother or sister. Nobody turned up in the end but it was horrible just thinking along those terms. All I wanted to do was to pin him against a wall and ask him what the hell he'd been thinking, to explain himself, as the man I'd thought he was wouldn't have done those things.

To some extent I think I can understand your mother not wanting to acknowledge your loss. It may be her way of protecting herself from feeling and dealing with shame, disappointment and anger that she herself must have felt over the years. If she was to acknowledge your reactions, she would also have to consider her own and she might to want to/feel able to do that IYSWIM.

Get the help and support you need. YANBU.

YANBU. My ex husband did this to his daughter with his second wife - she had no idea that he had been married before and that she had a half-brother until he was forced to tell her because we moved near him. He has had no contact with us since my DS was 4. His DD was 14 when she found out. It's up to you what you do with the information, but your father is being vv unreasonable to expect you to take it in your stride and not help you through it, even though you are an adult.

Poor you, very traumatic. Your Mum sounds like she has her head in the sand. Maybe she was always scared that if she challenged your father, he'd leave and she chose to share him rather than lose him. Perhaps that is why she is encouraging you to skate over this like it's not a big deal. I think counselling can be helpful for some people, but I am sometimes concerned they encourage people to look back rather than forward. One of my friends tried counselling but gave it up because she found it unhelpful to spend too much time dwelling on what was upsetting her. Good luck. Your feelings will probably settle in time, but I can see why it is a big shock now.

I am utterly at this situation, not least at your parents' wishing to carry on pretending it doesn't exist!!

Nutters.

I think you deserve counselling, tbh - finding out that your parents have lied to you so comprehensively for so long, thus undermining everything you ever believed about your family must be utterly traumatic, almost as bad as adopted children must feel when they find out they were adopted when they didn't know before (not quite, but almost).

Your father sounds like an utterly selfish pig as well - how dare he threaten suicide, what, just because you have discovered the scale of his duplicity and deceit over the years?? What a (sorry) wanker.

And I cannot for the life of me see why your half-brother is taking his side - how completely pointless.

I hope you get some resolution to your turmoil, I literally had my mouth hanging open as I finished reading your posts!

Glad you get on well with your half-sister, too - that is a bonus.

YANBU - you poor thing.

Counselling might help - but it all depends on getting the right person. I had a similar experience when I separated from my XH and my mum thought that would be a good time to tell me she had had a 30 year affair with a man that I thought of as a family friend. My dad knew all about it all along . No surprise siblings thank goodness but it just shattered everything I thought I knew about my family and my life. I even wondered for a while whether I and my brothers might be this man's children.

I went for counselling, but left the first counsellor as I felt he was trying to convince me that my mum is a bad person (which she is not - she is one of the kindest, most generous and truthful people I know). The second counsellor didn't seem to have an agenda of her own but just helped me to come to terms with things a bit. I think most people find out some uncomfortable truths about their parents as they get older but something like this is a massive shock and there is nothing shameful about wanting to talk things through. Hope you can sort things out. YANBU

Thanks, all of you. Your messages of support really help. I've been feeling almost ashamed and freakish and it's interesting to hear of other family skeletons out there. I just really want to deal with this without letting the past consume my present and future. Good to hear people think counselling might help, so long as I find the right person. Fingers crossed. Thanks again for being there.