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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get pissed off with friends partner's reading texts?

44 replies

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 20:47

Is it just me? AIBU?

I am single, have been for an eternity so maybe this is just how a relationship works and it's acceptable?

I sent a friend a text the other day, nothing of any great interest in all honesty. Got a text back about 3 hours later along the lines of "sorry, DH read it and forgot to let me know you'd text".

Angry

Funny, I thought I'd sent a message to her and not him?

I had this happen in the past with other friends, where I've emailed them. On one occasion it was personal, her partner replied saying "oh she's out at the gym but I'll let her know you've emailed when she gets in". Gee thanks, so pleased you've read that message about my love life!!!!!!

Another friend frequently gets her DH to reply to my texts if she's busy.

AIBU to expect that if I want to communicate with my friends, they don't allow their DH/DP etc to read my messages to them? It makes me feel like I can't be open with them in such contexts!

Thanks! :)

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 15/02/2011 20:48

yanbu ..I would never read dp texts or him mine ..unless we asked one another to

MaureenMLove · 15/02/2011 20:49

Bit unreasonable, as that's the way their relationship work, but I'd be a bit fed up too!

I generally talk bllcks to my bessie mate and my DH would be Hmm at some of the things we say!

fuzzypicklehead · 15/02/2011 20:50

YANBU. I wouldn't check my partner's messages, and I sure as heck wouldn't respond for them!

thenightsky · 15/02/2011 20:50

YA soooo NBU. I hate that.

curlymama · 15/02/2011 20:51

I reply to dh's texts if he's driving or something, and he does the same for me. We don't read eachother's emails though, we have separate addresses, apart from the one we share that doesn't get used much.

YAB slightly U. I would take it as a given that most things you say of any interest to your friends or they DH/DP's will be shared. Unless it's something sensitive that you have asked to remain confidential, or it's just not that interesting to anyone else.

curlymama · 15/02/2011 20:52

they their

SandStorm · 15/02/2011 20:56

YABslightlyU

It's their relationship and that's clearly how it works for them. I read my DHs emails and texts (or would if they weren't so boring) and he is fully aware of this. In fact he's often surprised that I haven't picked up on something that he's been emailed.

Equally he's quite free to browse through my emails and texts even though we have separate email addresses. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Horses for courses.

Bogeyface · 15/02/2011 21:02

I think YABa bitU in that you cant really dictate who the recipient chooses to share their phone with! Some people open and read each others post with the others agreement, the same with emails and texts. If they are happy with that and there isnt some horrible controlling thing going on, then its their business.

If you dont want them share what you text then either tell them that you would rather only they read them or dont text!

sims2fan · 15/02/2011 21:05

Oooh I could be your friend! I replied to a relative the other day pretty much saying what your friend said. My husband was playing on my iPhone when message came and forgot to tell me. Personally I don't mind if he reads my messages and he doesn't mind if I read his - whoever is closest to a phone will pick it up if it bleeps. If my friends tell me something personal they do it in person.

kaid100 · 15/02/2011 21:10

It's annoying, but I would just type "Personal Message" at the top of messages to people that I know have husband-secretaries.

tigerchilli · 15/02/2011 21:16

YANBU. I wouldn't dream of reading anyone's texts.

Original poster
Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 21:20

Thanks for your messages. Can I just say that I'm not annoyed with my friend for allowing him to read my text - like I say, it wasn't anything of great importance. It just made me really cautious of what I'd include in future texts to her and then made me wonder about messages I send on FB which often make reference to conversations about him (ie things she's told me about arguments etc). Is he reading these as well?

I personally wouldn't want a partner to read my texts (them checking it if you're driving is acceptable if you've asked them to), as I wouldn't share everything a friend told me with them.

So from what somebody said, you share your friends confidence's with your partners? Is that commonplace also?

Oh lord, can of worms and huge paranoia from my point of view!!!

If a friend confides in me I don't blab it to anyone - I doubt I would (although can't say for sure as not been in the situation) to a partner.

I think in emails it would be a good idea to put 'Personal Message' at the top - although knowing the partners that would make them more likely to read Blush

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Original poster
Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 21:22

sims2fan - am worried now lol! Where did I put that shovel so I can dig myself out of this hole ;)

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Bogeyface · 15/02/2011 22:20

I know that my friend talks about what I have moaned to her about with her OH, and I do with DH!

Maybe we are just gossips though!

kittya · 15/02/2011 22:23

I know what you mean and, I personally cant stand it, maybe Ive been single for too long!! Smile its worse with the iphones as the message comes up fully without you having to press into it to open it. Not nice when its your eight year old niece that reads it before you get chance to!!

RevoltingPeasant · 15/02/2011 22:26

YANBU, I'd find this weird.

I have married friends who share an email, but then anything you write is obviously to both -- phones are different.

tbh I don't even pick my DP's phone up without asking him, even to check the time or something. I just think phones are private and it is too much like snooping to look in someone's phone.

Even if we'd been married for years, I'd still like that sense of privacy.... What if my sister wants to text me something personal or similar? What if DP's close work friend wanted to text DP about his marital problems? etc.

Original poster
Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 22:27

ha ha - everyone likes a good gossip, not sure I want the DH's knowing my gossip though (not that I'm that interesting!!)

kittya - maybe it is to do with us being single, independent and viewing the invasion of privacy as something it isn't (unless in a controlling relationship, which isn't the case with my friends)

I still don't like it, but it's good to have the other side of the story.

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elphabadefiesgravity · 15/02/2011 22:29

YABU - dh and I work together as well and often check each others phones in case something is important.

magicmummy1 · 15/02/2011 22:29

"So from what somebody said, you share your friends confidence's with your partners? Is that commonplace also?"

I think this is very commonplace tbh. I quite often tell my DH stuff that friends have said, unless the friends have specifically asked that I keep it to myself. And I would expect that some of the stuff that I say to friends will eventually get back to their partners too - if I didn't want them to say anything, I would spell it out!

My OH travels a lot, and sometimes asks me to check his e-mails for him as he isn't always able to access them himself. I don't usually reply to them though, unless it's something urgent and he dictates the answer over the phone, but even then, it gets sent out in his name! Grin

DH doesn't ever read my e-mails, as far as I know, because I never ask him to and I don't think he is interested! Wink But I wouldn't really care if he did.

As for texts, probably not, unless driving or in the shower etc. Neither of us would reply to the others' texts though.

TheFarSide · 15/02/2011 22:30

YANBU

You address a remark to someone, and another person answers. I agree with OP - it just feels wrong.

I just wouldn't text her any more ... or address the text to both of them to make a point.

kittya · 15/02/2011 22:33

god, I was once really caught out. My friend called me to moan about her bloke (who is a control freak) later that night she was on chat face book so I carried on the conversation to find out later that they were sat next to each other sharing the computer!! I felt sick. It wasnt the first time either, once she was having terrible problems and I text her not knowing that they were away to see how she was and I got an awful text saying "cant we even go away without you texting US" sorry, I thought it was her personal phone.

I guess that is abit different as he is clearly into every bit of her life. I cant imagine myself being with someone who opened my emails or texts. Maybe it is to do with being single and not used to sharing, in my case.

Original poster
Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 22:34

Revolting sorry xpost.

There seems to be a bit of a 50/50 response doesn't there here.

I suppose with emails then if it's a joint account you would tailor the message accordingly. But with texts, it is a private message to that person, not their partner.

I know that if it's really personal you should say it in person (which I often do) but as we all know, it's not always convenient to pick up the phone or nip round for a cuppa - in which case I'd send a text saying "xyz has happened, call me later" or similar.

I think my main objection is that I am her friend and he is her partner - he has no business opening my messages to her. If she wants to allow him free range over her texts, then fine it's not what I'd like in a relationship but then I'm not a guru of all things relationship-y. I object that I haven't given him the permission to read my texts, yet he is. Which comes full circle to me being terminally single and fiercely independent I suppose Wink

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Original poster
Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 22:35

major xpost with about 4 people there!!

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TheFarSide · 15/02/2011 22:36

Nothing to do with being single IMO.

I'm married, and I don't like the idea of texts being read by others.

For me, it's about respecting privacy.

Original poster
Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 22:39

And it's not just each other's privacy but the privacy of those who are sending the messages isn't it.

Good to know it's not just me being a Bridget-Jones-big-knicker-wearing-singleton then ;)

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