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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get pissed off with friends partner's reading texts?

44 replies

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 20:47

Is it just me? AIBU?

I am single, have been for an eternity so maybe this is just how a relationship works and it's acceptable?

I sent a friend a text the other day, nothing of any great interest in all honesty. Got a text back about 3 hours later along the lines of "sorry, DH read it and forgot to let me know you'd text".

Funny, I thought I'd sent a message to her and not him?

I had this happen in the past with other friends, where I've emailed them. On one occasion it was personal, her partner replied saying "oh she's out at the gym but I'll let her know you've emailed when she gets in". Gee thanks, so pleased you've read that message about my love life!!!!!!

Another friend frequently gets her DH to reply to my texts if she's busy.

AIBU to expect that if I want to communicate with my friends, they don't allow their DH/DP etc to read my messages to them? It makes me feel like I can't be open with them in such contexts!

Thanks! :)

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/02/2011 22:40

DH and I don't read each other's texts or e-mails - not unless we show them to each other, but we certainly share confidences.

I think that's pretty normal in most marriages if you are in the habit of sharing everything. I'm not saying I would repeat conversations word for word, but I would definitely share the gist of things.
To my knowledge all my friends are the same, and I would expect anything I shared with them to also be shared with their husbands, fully in the knowledge that that would be as far as it went.

Mammie81 · 15/02/2011 22:40

I always assume that whatever I tell my friends, their partners will also know. I feel this was because once, a friends partner knew, in exact detail, what I had had on my pizza at a meal out with friend. If they are willing to discuss that shit in such detail, they'll definately know the big secrets!!!

Original poster

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/02/2011 22:45

yeah, I understand the idea of sharing stuff with your DH/DP's in conversation. I don't like the idea that in this case her DH would be told everything (but the reason why would make me instantly recognizable if she were reading this so I'm staying quiet )

I think that maybe that aspect doesn't sit comfortably with me due to not being in or having had a relationship where I would share details with a partner. So I will accept IABU to expect her to keep my confidence in that instance.

I think I've decided, after reading all replies (thank you everyone) that IANBU in regards to texts.

OP posts:

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 15/02/2011 22:57

YANBU, I wouldn't mind my DH reading my messages or texts but it's a betrayal of friendship to just let someone read all the incoming ones

magicmummy1 · 15/02/2011 23:01

Depends on what sort of texts you get, really, doesn't it? My friends rarely send anything private in texts - usually just practical messages about routine stuff (like sharing lifts, meeting up etc) or funny things that have made them laugh. Nothing that they'd be upset about DH reading!

I honestly can't think of anyone who would send me anything really personal in a text - they'd usually ring me instead. I'd do the same. But maybe that's just me and my friends.

SarahBumBarer · 15/02/2011 23:19

Well if you have decided you anbu then good for you

however, while my dh is not in the habit of reading my texts, I would give pretty short shrift to any of my friends who presumed to tell me how private I should keep my phone. My work has a right to require that I keep my work phone private as I have a written contract of confidentiality. But my private phone and how dh and I permit each other access - our business not any of my friends IMO.

brightcopperkettles · 16/02/2011 00:03

I wouldn't tell my friends anything that I wouldn't want their partners to know. You can't control what they share with their partners, and personally I wouldn't want to. I don't keep anything from my DH and wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

SonicMiddleAge · 16/02/2011 04:26

can't be arsed being welded to my phone on weekends, so both mine and dh's tend to sit on top of the fridge, if they beep whoever's in the kitchen will generally shout out "you've got a phone message" and becasue we're both lazy, get told to read it out...

fatlazymummy · 16/02/2011 08:49

brightcopperkettles I used to have a friend like you. I just stopped telling her things. I really don't think a so called friend has the right to share some one else's personal info with their own partners.

shumway · 16/02/2011 08:58

Sometimes when I text my sister and she's in the shower or something her boyfriend texts back pretending to be her. I hate it! I always know it's him and not her because he can't spell and doesn't use punctutaion. I just ignore.

gobbledegoop · 16/02/2011 09:12

YANBU. I hate this too. I am very careful what i sat by text knowing that it's quite likey my friend wont be the only one reading it.

gobbledegoop · 16/02/2011 09:13

say

brightcopperkettles · 16/02/2011 09:16

So fatlazymummy, you think you have the right to restrict what someone says to their partner?

I trust my friends and their judgement. If you don't then that's your issue and nothing to do with me.

Bogeyface · 16/02/2011 09:23

Fatlazymummy - if you trust your friend and she trusts her partner, I dont see the problem?

Unless this friend of yours had a partner who was an arse and spread your info around in which case I can understand what you are saying. But I know that my BF partner wouldnt do that and neither does my DH.

"I am telling you but you cant tell him because I dont like it" sounds a bit... dare I say...childish?

GlynistheGimmer · 16/02/2011 09:27

I can see both sides of this, I think

I'm married, and often tell DH what I'm talking to my friends about, especially if it means long text conversations or via the 'net. I do this out of common courtesy, especially if I'm spending significant time chatting away to a screen.

But.... I very rarely go into details, and would be very pissed off indeed if he started to answer messages on my behalf!

Even to say Glynis is at the gym (like that's gonna happen ) so will reply later Surely a delay in replying covers this...if I don't reply then I'm busy?

I wouldn't answer his phone either. Unless he was driving and I knew the person calling and DH asked me to.

it's the same as opening each others post to me.

elmofan · 16/02/2011 09:30

YADNBU - I have had this too . One of my friends actually rang to tell me not to write anything too personal in emails / texts as her dh reads them all needless to say i have not text / emailed her again in two years . We only speak to each other over the phone when her dh is in work otherwise he listens in on an extension phone

NunOnTheRun · 16/02/2011 09:31

Personally I would agree with fatlazymummy, private means private - I wouldn't repeat every detail of a friend's conversation to DP.

Whether a friend would behave the same way is a matter of (their) individual judgement - you just have to exercise discretion about who you confide in.

thefurryone · 16/02/2011 10:11

YANBU I find it really weird when couples do that and I think someone's partner reading texts or emails before the intended receipient it is different to people telling their partner things about their friends.

I tell my DH most things about my friends, generally these are things that aren't major secrets or life shattering but I have at least made a judgement about whether or not it's something my friend would really mind him knowing about, for example, I'd most likely tell him the details of a disasterous date (probably because these are fairly funny stories and she wouldn't really mind him knowing) but even then I wouldn't go into all of the details if some of them would really embarrass my friend, but would most likely not even mention her rather disasterous bikini wax.

Original poster

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 16/02/2011 10:44

Still a 50/50 divide isn't there - quite interesting (if you're a saddo like me lol!)

SarahBumBarer I had no intention of telling her to keep her phone private, that would be VVV unreasonable I agree. But that leads me back to the point - it is my privacy that is being broken by the fact that I am sending her a text and not him. So my privacy is being broken without my consent IYSWIM?

I actually get on really well with this particular friend's DH - he's brill, but I am now cautious of what I say via text. For example, there was a situation where he'd been a prat and I text her the following day something along the lines of "is he still being a tosser or has he made it up to you?"

How if he read that? For her and me?

I will definitely think twice before sharing anything personal face to face (not just with this friend but with others) as I am sharing with them and not their DH's. I just wouldn't break a friend's confidence - I'd expect that courtesy to be returned. The only way around this, I suppose, is to say "this goes no further, not even to your DH".

Glenis in relation to texts it is like opening post - good point! I also agree that it is common courtesy to outline why you may be spending a lot of time texting/online if DH is in the same room - as long as the finer details are not divulged I suppose.

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