To think that if your family is left out of the wills, you don’t owe them much

[corygal]

Before I start, can I make it clear that I haven?t taken offence at being forgotten or excluded. Our family ? kids, my brother and I, our parents, were left out for lots of plausible reasons ? grandmother left the lot to children from another marriage, grandfather died young and his relations sentimentally chose my uncle as their heir.

Other next of kin rewrote wills as a dementia lottery. Over a million was up for grabs, we got 0. Such is life.

None of the lucky relations made it up to us or offered anything. I don?t hold it against them ? we aren?t entitled to a penny. We are much poorer than the chosen ones, if that?s relevant ? our only inheritance was my grandfather?s chronic illness.

And I?m getting sick of being asked for family favours. As just one example, one uncle is relentlessly trying to use my career contacts on LinkedIn, and has asked for the text of my latest book to put on his website ? for which he plans to charge, and keep, the income. (We work in similar fields.)

How do I say ? politely ? ?If our family was a mutual support system, I?d be more than willing to make you money. But others have decided that?s not the case. Unlike you, the only source of my income is my work? and I can?t give it away.?

Am I being unreasonable? Can I communicate this without sounding bitter? And do you think my nearest and dearest are a little lacking in sensitivity?

I would say it exactly as you have said it up there tbh.

I think the two are mutually exclusive. You are well within your rights to decline to release the copyright on your work, unless he is going to remunerate you fairly and give you proper credit. I don't think there is any point connecting your decision with whether or not you have inherited money from someone totally different.

I agree wtih EveryonesJealousOfGingers don't make the two connected. IT's a really cheeky request you are well within your rights to say no regardless of the situation wtih inheritance.

Agree with EveryonesJealous , I don't think the two are related. I wouldn't be giving him permission to use your copyrighted work for free, as that is your livelihood and it's perfectly reasonable not to be expected to give it away.

However, that has naff all to do with the inheritance or any other kind of financial arrangements or lack thereof.

D

Your uncle is being very grasping here. He has no shame, and so you should feel none in telling him 'no'. If you don't stand up for yourself, then no one else will.

I would.

But I'm petty like that

Perhaps a less confrontational thing would be

"sorry, I am unable to do that. My only source of income is my work and I am not in the financial position of being able to give things away that would normally form part of my income. If you wish to enter into an agreement to pay me for my work, I would be happy to formalise something with you. Otherwise, I am sure you appreciate that I have a family to feed."

And if they came back with attitude and the whole blood is thicker than water and you should help your family out THAT is when you go in with the 'funny how you don't feel that way when an inheritance is coming your way. Split the inheritance equally if family caring for one another matters so much to you, then I'll feel the same way."

" the only source of my income is my work? and I can?t
give it away.?

Surely this would stand alone as a reasonable way of saying no?
That's how it is for most people.

Maybe some family members don't even know who got what though?

My cousins never seem to have any money, yet I presume inherited quite a bit from their parents.There were no step-children to confuse the issue. I wouldn't dream of asking them though.

agree with EveryonesJealous. The book thing is nothing to do with the inheritance thing. Just say that you rely on the income from your book(s) etc. You could, though, very probably find a mutually beneficial compromise. allow him to put up a couple of key extracts plus a link to Amazon (and you website if you have one). Good for his website, good promotion for you.

Firstly, I don't understand your second paragraph. I'm guessing that you're talking about more than one will, all of which left you and your immediate family out.

I read quite a bit of bitterness and resentment in your post. Which would be pretty understandable.

However, you have to decide whether to let this colour your relationships with your family or just let it be.

FWIW I don't know whether I'd be able to 'forget it'.

I think your Uncle is testing your generosity to the limit, and you need to set some boundaries. But I would keep the money situation out of it, if I were you. despite your protestations that you are not offended by the will(s), your Uncle would in all liklihood assume that it all goes back to the wills. And you risk coming across as money-orientated and bitter.

By all means find a way to decline your Uncle's request. Just don't bring the inheritance into the discussion. They are two completely separate issues.

Thanks so much, good point. The trouble is that he - and the other relations - do keep asking for freebies on the grounds they're 'family'.

But as I tried to explain in the OP, 'family' benefited them - and not us.

Ask him how much he is willing to pay and negotiate upwards. You don't have to do it, but it would be worth asking, just to see his reaction. I'd have to ask him why on earth he thinks you would do this for free, when he's done sweet FA for you

I wouldn't ask him for a price - you can't put the text of a whole book on a website. not unless you want to loose 99 per cent of all future sales. once it's on the web no-one will buy it. it's a very unusual and extremely unreasonable request (even for a fee). promotional extracts only.

Then if they are playing the 'family' card, it is reasonable for you to point out that family didn't seem to matter much when there's an inheritance. You are clearly not family enough for people to remember you in their will and that's fine. But it means you are also not family enough for them to freeload off you.

I'd just say it. Petty be damned.

Some families benefit each other in other ways, without any cash being involved.
Love, friendship, education,solidarity,fun, that sort of thing might be what he is referring to when he says family.

I dunno though, I would want a share of the family treasure.

I get the feeling that what is is really about, is the relative all take take take from the OP and there's no give. and that that is not more evident than when it comes to inheritance and that is why she is feeling resentful. They'll all take off her, but she's not family enough to be worth remembering, even a token ornament or anything, in anyone's will.

Doesn't sound much like any of them see her as family to me.

Hecate I am tempted to agree with you, although the effort to remain without bitterness is deeply hard

We're family when it comes to favours, parties, taking care of oldsters, and boasting about Cory the successful author - but poor strangers when it comes to cash.

Also I suspect the family are using the fact that we are anxious not to appear bitter to keep on asking us for stuff.

Start saying no then.

And point out that you don't much feel like family if you are only good for helping them out and not the other way round. You actually feel used.

Say the word - used.

To be honest Cory, you do come across as a little resentful, to me.

Not as resentful as I would be, but a little.

Cory I think you still need to deal with the two things separately. If they're always asking for and expecting things that you're not happy to give, then you and your DP need to work out a way to be a bit more assertive about that and only agree to the things you are happy to do. If you feel put upon and used, then honestly, it's because you have kind of allowed this situation to develop that way. It sounds like you need to take control of that in and of itself, because you sound like you are quite resentful in general.

D

Sorry that sounded a bit harsh, I just meant that you need to take control of the things that are making you unhappy in a general sense, and then you will probably all get on a lot better being more aware of each other's boundaries.

D

Have you worked out how many rellies you have to knock over the head, to inherit the dosh?
Is it worth the risk?

Maybe it is thought that you already have money so don't need to be left any?

Could that be why no one has asked if you are okay Jack as it were?

We are stuck renting - and the family know I am battling to save for a flat deposit. Offers to date = 0.

I still think you need to forget the wills thing. if uncle and other family are not as giving (in whatever way) as they expect you to be then that's an issue to be sorted out. but you cannot blame them (or even begin to count it against them) for what someone else wrote in their will.

I completely agree hatwoman. But I do think that anyone reasonable wouldn't keep trying it on after they've been lucky once - and from the people they benefited from.