To think that if your family is left out of the wills, you don’t owe them much

[corygal]

Before I start, can I make it clear that I haven?t taken offence at being forgotten or excluded. Our family ? kids, my brother and I, our parents, were left out for lots of plausible reasons ? grandmother left the lot to children from another marriage, grandfather died young and his relations sentimentally chose my uncle as their heir.

Other next of kin rewrote wills as a dementia lottery. Over a million was up for grabs, we got 0. Such is life.

None of the lucky relations made it up to us or offered anything. I don?t hold it against them ? we aren?t entitled to a penny. We are much poorer than the chosen ones, if that?s relevant ? our only inheritance was my grandfather?s chronic illness.

And I?m getting sick of being asked for family favours. As just one example, one uncle is relentlessly trying to use my career contacts on LinkedIn, and has asked for the text of my latest book to put on his website ? for which he plans to charge, and keep, the income. (We work in similar fields.)

How do I say ? politely ? ?If our family was a mutual support system, I?d be more than willing to make you money. But others have decided that?s not the case. Unlike you, the only source of my income is my work? and I can?t give it away.?

Am I being unreasonable? Can I communicate this without sounding bitter? And do you think my nearest and dearest are a little lacking in sensitivity?

THe will's irrelevant to what is an outrageously cheeky request - that you should give him copyright over your work for no money. Just say 'No, Uncle, I don't work for free.' and whenever any of them make an unreasonable request, just say, calmly, 'No, that won't be possible.' and don't discuss it any further. WIth selfish pushy people you have to 'be a broken record' and just keep repeating 'No, that isn't possible.' If necessary, repeat back to them whatever they are claiming eg 'Yes I know you are busy too, but it won't be possible for me to do that.' DOn't get into accusations or namecalling or other stuff, just keep repeating 'No. No.' to everything they come up with.

You see I still think you sound bitter about the wills, and really it's completely irrelevant to any of the work stuff or other expectations.

E.g. the way you wrote that there had been no offers of financial help for a house/flat deposit just feels like you think there should have been.

I am not saying it doesn't suck when something happens that you feel is unfair, it does, but that can only make you feel cr@p for as long as you allow it to, and I think you would be better if you started living life on your own terms, i.e. expect nothing, and only give what you are prepared to, and of story. And that doesn't mean I am against family helping and supporting each other, I'm completely not, but it should be in a way that is acceptable to both parties.

D

If you weren't bitter, you'd have not brought it up.

But I can understand why and in the same shoes, I'd be very bitter too.

But I agree with whoever said just say "no" about giving freebies. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to say "yes" to everything. The work thing is clear. As for sitting etc, it should work both ways. So you ask them for favours. If they won't return them then i'd tell to get stuffed regardless of if they are family or not.

If anything, I think you may have been agreeing to more stuff than you usually would in an effort not to seem bitter.

I think if the OP hadn't been bitter to start with then the ones who got all the dosh making such unreasonably greedy requests (free use of the OP's work, indefinitely, preventing the OP from earning money from it) would be enough to make her bitter.

corygal bitterness is the new forgiveness you know :)

Yanbu

fwiw I would be very bitter in your situation.

It works both ways-you don´t have to do favours, they don´t have to give you money.