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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have called the police?

55 replies

hopefull55 · 15/02/2011 11:36

long story short - about a month ago
husband and i had a disagreement (he was in the middle of very unreasonable and quite mental for a month) and so i went out. came home at about 10.15pm to find he had locked himself in our bedroom with our son who at the time shared our room (ds now 9 months old.)
i knew that ds needed the rest of his milk as it had been a patchy eating day and that he would cry on and off all night till he had it. i knew dh would not give it to him as he had often said he felt that feeding him at night was wrong, which i disagree with if he really needs his milk, he should have it. i tapped lightly on the door and whispered "please give him the milk he wont stop crying other wise" and "are you ok please answer im worried" and did this intermittently for about 30 mins when i could hear ds cryign. at no point did dh call out and say its ok, and i started to be seriously worried that he had a heartattack and that my son was locked in a room with noone to come to him.
so i called the emergency services, asked which one was most appropriate, they said the one that comes quickest the police, so i said fine, can the police come, it was really awful when they came - three!! squad cars and runnign in and shouting its a domestic its a domestic and all our neighbours heard. it was a horrible horrible experience, and dh was of course ok and basically trying to wind me up and upset me.

he thinks i was mental to do have called them, and is still angry with me.

I think that it is totally unacceptable to lock yourself in a room with a crying baby and not make it known you are in there too and safe.

am i being unreasonable? what would others have done in a similar situation?

OP posts:

loopylou6 · 15/02/2011 12:11

I'd also of booted the door in myself. But why are you posting this now? and I don't get why the police would be shouting what you say they did. I work helping train juniors and I've never heard of that.

Bloodymary · 15/02/2011 12:14

loopylou, I am trying to get my head around that one as well.
Were the police maybe just calling out between themselves (would have sounded louder at night).
The whole thing sounds very odd.

CinnabarRed · 15/02/2011 12:17

OP has posted in relationships because she thinks her DH is a narcissist and she's co-dependent.

OP, what do you want to get out of this thread?

ShirleyKnot · 15/02/2011 12:19

Do the police shout "It's a murder, It's a murder" or "It's a robbery, It's a robbery"?

Did the police take him away?

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 12:25

op where have you gone??

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/02/2011 12:57

I also wondered the same as other posters - if you called emergency services due to believing he'd collapsed behind the door and was unconscious, they'd have sent an ambulance rather than given you a choice. Did you give a brief on the phone as to the situation? To send three squad cars to a domestic dispute is excessive, and not anything I've ever heard of. Perhaps they thought it was a hostage situation and, only upon arrival, realised it was (in their view) just a dispute. Might explain what they said?

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/02/2011 12:58

OP - I didn't mean my post to sound so disbelieving of you. It just seems odd.

tomhardyismydh · 15/02/2011 13:02

.....

kittybuttoon · 15/02/2011 13:06

Your OH was behaving in an irrational way, and YANBU to fear for the safety of your baby.

That's what the police are there for.

So what if the neighbours knew you were having a domestic (which you were, really). It happens.

The main thing is that you ensure the safety and well-being of your child. You did well.

So now he's not speaking to you and blaming you for exposing him as a tosser. Don't buy into that for a single moment. As others have said, when are you going to get rid? Sounds like the only option if he's going to behave like this.

JustAnother · 15/02/2011 13:08

3 police cars is not unheard of for a domestic. My lodger's child (year's ago) called 999 for a prank. The police called back and my husband picked up the phone. He was not aware that the child had called, and I was having a nap, so DH put the phone down thinking this really was a prank. 10 minutes later the police turned up in 3 cars. Apparently in many DV cases, the wife will call, then put the phone down. The police then calls back and the husband will pick up the phone and pretend everything is ok.

squeakytoy · 15/02/2011 13:16

be helpful if the op would bother to reply to say whether she warned her husband she was going to call the police or not..

personally i would have kicked the door in... although I wouldnt have stormed out in the first place leaving a man with mental health problems, who was in an unreasonable mood, with my baby.....

kreecherlivesupstairs · 15/02/2011 13:17

Possibly she'll come back in another month.

skydance · 15/02/2011 13:20

Why didn't you just bang on the door and say 'look I'm worried that you've had a heart attack or something, let me know you're ok or I'm phoning the police and an ambulance now'

Or as others have said why didn't you have a good kick at the door yourself to see if you could get in.

You clearly didn't think he had actually collasped or surely you would have phoned an ambulance, were you just trying to get back at him?

FabbyChic · 15/02/2011 13:21

To be honest, you should never have just walked out and left your child with a man that you subsequently later deem is not responsible enough to look after your son.

Is it just okay for you to walk out when it suits you and leave him with him, but when you get home it is not acceptable?

Sorry but you were unreasonable enough to leave him and should have took him with you.

He clearly is not bad enough a person that he cannot look after his child as you left him there with him when u fucked off out.

Memoo · 15/02/2011 13:43

I too would have just kicked the door in.

Original poster

hopefull55 · 15/02/2011 13:52

Thanks for all the replies.

To clarify a few points - dh was behaving unreasonably for about a month and this was the climax of it - i had no idea he would lock himself in our bedroom with our baby, or do anything harmful. In general he is a normal peson, but in winter suffers from SAD - i have posted here before about some of the things he has done in his episodes but i wouldnt think that i couldnt leave our baby with him, naive as that may be. i do worry that he may be bi-polar and that the SAD is an indication of it. He refuses to go to a doctor. Have no idea how i would get him to a psychiatrist for any kind of diagnosis to occur. point blank refuses to take st johns wort let alone SRRIs.
Re our bedroom door - we rent a flat with a yale lock on the bedroom door as this used to be bed sits so no knocking of door down possible. Was pleased with self-restraint that i did not attempt it however!
When i called 999 and explained the situation, the operator asked if we had had a row, to which i said yes (but it wasnt a big one, it was a minor disagreement and then i went out for a bit) and with that she said it had to be the police, although i was still saying well i dont know it could be a heart attack...she said the police would see what had happened and go from there.

Yes the police did roar in shouting its a domestic with 3 squad cars. During teh visit, one of the police men opened my front door to a neighbour, said "its a domestic" and closed teh door in his face. I said, did you just say that? and he point blank lied to my face and said the neighbour had said it. Of course the neighbour hadnt. I was horrified.

I asked dh repeatedly if he was ok in a whisper through the door and no response at all. I really did think that something must have happened to him, although in my heart of hearts i knew he was just being a dick and although i wanted to make sure he and my son were ok, i also wanted to give him a wake up call by calling the police - there are consequences to actions was my point, and i do stand by it. i know wasting public resources is an argument against this but otherwise my son would have cried all night, or until dh caved and gave him the bottle, which could have been a long time. should have left him to it to have a bad nights sleep i suppose but couldnt bear to hear ds crying.

We have been called by two different agencies (domestic violence unit, health visitor) as a result of it. to be honest, its mortifying, but i guess it might help dh to see that kind of behaviour is absolutely and at all times unforgiveable and unreasonalble.

Re why i am still with him - following this incident and others we had a separation for a month. We are currently trying to 'work at' the marriage. who knows if it will last, but i do love him, he does love me, and hopefully we can both resolve the issues which lead up to awful things like this.

obviously he can be a vindictive dickhead and i am wondering why i am stil with him as i type, but still.

thanks for the feed back just wanted to make sure. DH says i knew full well he was fine and i suppose i did but i didnt. if he had called out to let me know he was ok i wouldnt have called the police.

sorry long post.

OP posts:

Original poster

hopefull55 · 15/02/2011 13:55

oh yes and i did warn him that i was going to call the police.

OP posts:

Blu · 15/02/2011 14:01

Why were you whispering through the door? I would have shouted v loudly - if you don't re-assure me right now that you are OK, conscious and compos mentis, I am calling the police. Then said 'right, I'm calling the police'.

He was v v unreasonable, and should in no way be denying a 9mo milk in the night or locking you away from your child. I would be cinsidering my relationship with him.

But I don't think you handled it best by calling the police in the way that you did.

solooovely · 15/02/2011 14:03

All sounds resonable to me. Still think you have no choice and did the right thing. I think you should make it compulsory that he sees a dr (and is honest with dr and takes their suggestions about medication or seeing a psychiatrist seriously) otherwise I wouldn't be willing to work at it with him.

solooovely · 15/02/2011 14:04

Blu what do you think she should have done instead of calling the police then?

Original poster

hopefull55 · 15/02/2011 14:08

Thanks for the supportive posts - going out now so wont be posting again on this thread - also finding it quite upsetting, have not posted in aibu before and actually although im annonymous its quite horrible hanging dirty laundry out for people to comment on! yes things are difficult. trying to make things work and keep my son safe and happy, and myself sane. yes i did warn him many times that i was giog to call the police and was he ok. i didnt want to upset my son by shouting or ramming the door down.
right! thanks again for all the responses. guess i knew before i wrote that i felt i wasnt being unreasable and that it was a shit situation and i had to do something. so i did! and it was all a bit shocking.
all the best,
hopefull

OP posts:

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 15/02/2011 14:09

YANBU , you told him you'd call the police, he was denying your son his milk and letting him cry to wind you up... Areyou happy with him OP? You need to tae a step back and look at this, imagine it was someone else. If you were married to someone with evn an ounce of decency, the thought of him taking your hungry baby and locking themselves in a room would be far fetched and laughable.

Blu · 15/02/2011 14:15

Cross-posted with her explanation that she did warn him. If I had shouted - not whispered - through the door and got no response, and given a shouted warning, then yes, calling the police is reasonable. But whispering may not have been heard, and doesn't sound assertive or purposeful.

wolfhound · 15/02/2011 14:24

I think a lot of people here are nit-picking. Blu, it is a bit extreme to say the volume of OP's voice is the deciding factor about whether or not to call the police.

OP's husband was clearly wrong - locking a baby away from his mother is wrong. And OP was stressed, worried and in a very difficult position. She dealt with the problem in a way that got her son safely out, and has also resulted in some follow-up help for the family.

Good luck, OP. I hope you manage to get into a situation where your son is being safely brought up, whether it's with just you, or both you and your DH, and there are no more of these panicky episodes.

Blu · 15/02/2011 14:29

OP, are you now pleased, looking back on it, that you called the police?
If so,. you did the right thing, and were not being unreasonable.
If not, what other course for you think you could have taken to get your baby fed?

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