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Original poster

To start a self pitying rant about DP, sort of valentines related sort of not.

39 replies

YouRmysunshine · 14/02/2011 11:00

OK valentines day, not a big deal - well, thats what i tell myself. This year will be the first year with no card. DP has made arrangements for a meeting with a client this evening, so i know there is to be no surprise romantic dinner, or shared bottle of wine. Bouquet of flowers delivered to my door? I don't think so.

Its not that - its that we NEVER ever get any time alone together, EVER. DP works late, we can never get a babysitter and it just never happens. DP works for himself, he had one week off last year over christmas, so again, no time alone. Evenings don't really happen as he is either home late or does bed time and invariably falls asleep. He promised me that he would take a couple of days off this week as just finished long job and I have been really looking forward. These days off have been promised for "this week" since christmas. DD will be at school, we can do couple things, like go back to bed and shag like rabbits maybe??? Go for a walk ON OUR OWN, be able to have a conversation without having to give up midsentence due to interruption from DD. Maybe go to lunch and have a grown up chat? Be romantic. So, the job is finally finished, he was to be doing last minute thing today but its done. Yesterday i mentioned that i was looking forward to tuesday, oh, yes, just one day now, he doesn't have time to take two! Sheepish mutterings, so last night i said something more specific, he said "oh, i was thinking of taking friday off, i really need to get this other job started" i said, its not going to happen is it? mumble mumble sheepish sheepish - I am upset but don't want to cause a scence most of all because i dont actually want to fucking beg him to take some time off to be with me. I know he is busy, i know he is behind and stressed and we need the money bla bla fucking bla, but we NEED some time alone too, and i don't personally think it is too much to ask, is it??

OP posts:
marantha · 14/02/2011 11:03

Depends on how much you need the money. Sorry, to be blunt; but if you really need the money then it comes first.

Original poster
YouRmysunshine · 14/02/2011 11:06

We need the money, but a day wont make a difference.

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 14/02/2011 11:08

If he is behind at work and stressed about it, wouldn't it be a good idea to not add to his stress in badgering him?

Original poster
YouRmysunshine · 14/02/2011 11:08

work does come first, but we have not had a day alone together for, well, i just cannot remember, let alone an evening - our relationship is in trouble, but it clearly isn't that important to him

OP posts:
altinkum · 14/02/2011 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaadRobot · 14/02/2011 11:11

Perhaps he doesn't realise that your relationship is in trouble? Perhaps he is so consumed with work and stress that he just hasn't realised it is affecting you that badly? Some time alone together is not too much to ask, no.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 14/02/2011 11:12

Oh FFS

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW VALENTINES DAY IS JUST A MONEY MAKING THING FOR THE CARD COMPANIES AND WHOEVER SELLS VALENTINES RELATED GUBBINS. tHE WORLD WILL NOT STOP SPINNING IF YOU DO NOT CELEBRATE VALENTINES DAY

I do however agree you need to spend time alone together. Wink

Original poster
YouRmysunshine · 14/02/2011 11:13

he knows, i am not going to "badger" him, i will become a 50s housewife and not add to his stress Hmm

OP posts:
slightlymad72 · 14/02/2011 11:14

I've seen the effects of what being absorbed in work does to families, its not good. My FIL was that kind of man, must chase the cash, the kids and wife will wait, they never saw him and now he has no relationship with his children, his wife is now his ex. The only benefit he has is that he has a comfortable retirement.
I never wanted that for my kids, my DH has his own company, he works away from home a lot, but I tell him when work is overtaking family life and give him a chance to reasses his priorities. He now refuses to work weekends and the phone is not answered for work when he walks through the door. We have had to strike a balance between home and work, otherwise we would be divorced now
Money is not the be all and end all. I think your husband has lost his sense of priorty and needs to take a look at what he is losing by being so engrossed in work.
You need to grab hold of him and sit him down, tell him that his work is important but so are you and the kids and you all need to spend time together as a family and just as a couple. You want a husband not just a lodger.

northangerabbey · 14/02/2011 11:15

Grin at ACT. My thoughts exactly.

On the babysitting front, get a local teenager. They're not in fact likely to be a mad axe murderer and you need to have at least one night a week having a nice dinner/film/whatever together.

Stick an ad in the newsagents for an experienced babysitter, take up their references and go for it.

But don't nag your dh about this week. Sounds like he's doing his best.

marantha · 14/02/2011 11:16

How old are your children? Are they of school-age? Do you work? If they are of school age and you are able to get a job of sorts (if you haven't already got one), perhaps you can ease this financial burden by getting a job yourself?

I don't agree that a relationship is separate from financial worries at all- how on earth can it be? Unless a person has never been in a situation where money (or lack of) has been issue.

Original poster
YouRmysunshine · 14/02/2011 11:17

apocalypse, i know, its not about valentines day, but for some reason that seems to make it worse

OP posts:
Original poster
YouRmysunshine · 14/02/2011 11:24

marantha, im looking for a job but to little avail, i was doing some volunteer stuff at my old lab but that is on hold. Yes, i know its worse because im bored all week. Money is tight but its been a lot lot worse. The money is a big issue. I also work on the business too.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouRmysunshine · 14/02/2011 11:27

slightly, we have had this conversation too, this was the first weekend he has had off since xmas and it was lovely. I just want some time for US. Is that selfish? its not like i want it all the time, but it hasn't happened for waaay over a year :(

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 14/02/2011 11:31

No it's not selfish it's necessary to the functioning of your family unit.
Totally with slightlymad72. Seen lots of men lose families through being all consumed by work. DH works extremely hard and I accept that for the money reason and the 'that's who he is' reason but he is smartly slapped back into line when he oversteps the mark :)
You need to have a proper conversartion with him about it. No more sheepish mumbles. He is not a child and can bloody well speak up to explain himself...

slightlymad72 · 14/02/2011 11:34

Sunshine it is not unreasonable at all. I wish I could give you some ideas of what to do. Life and its complication take over and showing love to each other gets lost in it all. I have to remind my husband that I am just as important as everything else and that sometimes he HAS to stop and look at me as his wife and not just the care giver. I know he loves me and he is doing his very best to give us a good life but I also need him to show me by doing the little stuff.
Does your husband ever put his work to one side for 10 mins and give you a hug, for no reason other than he wants to be close?

marantha · 14/02/2011 11:39

No he is most definitely NOT a child- he is an adult who takes very seriously his duties to his family.
They need the money, for goodness sake, he is doing his best. I find the suggestion that he needs to 'bloody well speak up to explain himself' insulting.

Would it be better if he didn't work so hard. I don't think so.

The opening poster needs to realise that money is essential and lovey-dovey-ness needs to be put off until things get financially better.

marantha · 14/02/2011 11:41

Love can be expressed in ways other than romance. In fact, REAL love is working your butt off so your family do not go under if necessary.

YouRmysunshine, I really think you ought to consider this.

TotemPole · 14/02/2011 11:45

YouRmysunshine, is there anything you could help with his work to take the pressure off.

You haven't said what type of work he does(fair enough that you don't want to give out the details), but if he works for himself, if he doesn't complete a job on time, could that affect future work?

It's a difficult situation, I can understand you wanting to have some time with him, but income/security needs to come first.

manicbmc · 14/02/2011 11:45

My ex was like that. When he worked for others he never took his holidays which I resented as I was at home with twins, one who is disabled. Then he decided he wanted to work for himself as he'd be more flexible for hospital appointments. He wasn't. He was worse.

Now we've split up and he's unemployed (due to his alcoholism).

I think you need to have some quality adult time. You clearly love him loads so maybe a chat with him. Just ask him what does he want from his life? And what is he willing to sacrifice?

slightlymad72 · 14/02/2011 11:48

It not okay for a man to neglect his responsibilites to his children by being engrossed in work but its okay for his to neglect responsibilites to his wife becaue he's earning the money.

He has responsibilies other than bringing in the money and he should be organising himself so he CAN fulfill all his responsibilites to the best of his abilities, not neglecting one for the other.

slightlymad72 · 14/02/2011 11:49

Oh the neglecting children is reference to another thread running atm, not a reference to you OP.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 14/02/2011 11:53

I am in the reverse situation right now (although my DH works too). Heavily heavily stressed out by work and deadlines and exhaused by a baby who still feeds 2 hourly at night. I am the main wage earner and facing redundancy - the strain of this is overwhelming.

I want to spend time with just my DH of course but he knows that if he suggests it at the moment my mind will go into over drive. One day might not make a difference but would he be able to switch off that day?

I can imagine the stress is even more if he is self employed.

Ok family comes first but at the moment any time I take off needs to be spent as a family with the DC's because they need me more.

A longer term view is needed - when things ease off would he take time off? Does he want to take time off but feels he cannot?

I am doing this for our family not because I want to and need to be supported in that. Would be especially more so if I was the sole wage earner.

Why not talk to him, ask him how he really feels.

marantha · 14/02/2011 11:54

slightlymad72, seriously, I can only conclude the following about you:
You are very young OR you have never had to worry about money in your entire life (or both).

All this rubbish about him 'neglecting his responsibilities'. What a load of b*!!

Without his working so hard, the family may become homeless and not have any cash.

They need the money.
Sacrifices have to be made NOW so that the rewards can be reaped in the future.

manicbmc · 14/02/2011 11:58

Sacrifices have to be made - yes - but the OP is asking for a day every once in a while, not a day a week. It's about striking a balance.

And there won't be any rewards to reap if it all goes belly up relationship wise. Money doesn't bring happiness it just pays the bills.