To start a self pitying rant about DP, sort of valentines related sort of not.

[YouRmysunshine]

OK valentines day, not a big deal - well, thats what i tell myself. This year will be the first year with no card. DP has made arrangements for a meeting with a client this evening, so i know there is to be no surprise romantic dinner, or shared bottle of wine. Bouquet of flowers delivered to my door? I don't think so.

Its not that - its that we NEVER ever get any time alone together, EVER. DP works late, we can never get a babysitter and it just never happens. DP works for himself, he had one week off last year over christmas, so again, no time alone. Evenings don't really happen as he is either home late or does bed time and invariably falls asleep. He promised me that he would take a couple of days off this week as just finished long job and I have been really looking forward. These days off have been promised for "this week" since christmas. DD will be at school, we can do couple things, like go back to bed and shag like rabbits maybe??? Go for a walk ON OUR OWN, be able to have a conversation without having to give up midsentence due to interruption from DD. Maybe go to lunch and have a grown up chat? Be romantic. So, the job is finally finished, he was to be doing last minute thing today but its done. Yesterday i mentioned that i was looking forward to tuesday, oh, yes, just one day now, he doesn't have time to take two! Sheepish mutterings, so last night i said something more specific, he said "oh, i was thinking of taking friday off, i really need to get this other job started" i said, its not going to happen is it? mumble mumble sheepish sheepish - I am upset but don't want to cause a scence most of all because i dont actually want to fucking beg him to take some time off to be with me. I know he is busy, i know he is behind and stressed and we need the money bla bla fucking bla, but we NEED some time alone too, and i don't personally think it is too much to ask, is it??

I'm completely with you OP..... I know we all work hard because we all need the money.... but in my experience (as someone who is self emplyed and is married for someone who works for himself), work does tend to expend to fill the time available. Or the time you choose to MAKE available.

I guess what I'm saying is that your husband needs to recognize that it is important to make some time (not even a huge deal) that is all about both of you. Taking 3 hours out for an evening with you (whether for a walk, dinner, a shag, whatever....) even once a month is IMPORTANT and will NOT make or break the family finances. It requires some willing on his part, otherwise he can just say "providing for the family" and it trumps everything.

Can you tell I have a bit of personal experience of this?!

Me and DH are both stupidly busy at the moment and tend to pass like ships in the night and morning, caught up in all the every day stuff of kids to school, packed lunches, meals, groceries, etc, etc, etc. Not much time for each other. I am basically BOOKING time out for us, it goes in the diary/on the calender. Just like a work appointment.

It is important. You are not being unreasonable.

And by the way, this is NOTHING to do with Valentine's Day. It is about maintaining a relationship with your OH.

I totally understand your frustration by the way. I do not stay at home, I work 4 days a week, and I have decided to take things in hand (similar issues to you...). If I was at home with the kids all the time, I would be feeling VERY resentful indeed.

Marantha you are insulting!!

Neither am I very young or wealthy enough to never have money worries.

Its my opinion which is just as valid as yours.

ladies ladies, don't fall out on my account!! sheeesh!

i think everyone makes a valid point. Its just that it really has been sooo long since we have had time together. I am looking for work and hope to find something soon, so that will rule out the snatched days off. Once this next job starts there wont be any more chance for a while.

I have just spoken to him, told him i wont ask again, but to be straight, is he having a day off, yes, he will, on friday. So thats good. Do i feel selfish? not in the least - i don't want him to have the time off if he will be stressed out due to work and wanting to be there instead

Yanbu to want some time together. No point your dh slogging his guts out to provide if it means you completely lose sight of each other. If at some miraculous time in the future there is enough money, there may be nothing left of the relationship.

It needs to be a balance, and relationships need work and time as well.

Marantha - He is not behaving in an adult like manner as he has failed to communicate plans to the OP correctly. He didn't tell her about only taking one day off until she asked and then was all 'sheepish mumbles' about it. Why shouldn't he explain himself? I'd tell a child explaining themselves to speak up and slowly if they were mumbling.

Also - are you for real? The OP is young or has had a charmed life because she is moaning that she has had ONE weekend with dh in a year when he hasn't been working? If he needs to do this to keep themselves afloat then I would seriously suggest that outgoings and allowances need to be reviewed because things are obviously overstretched to the max.
Again, childish behaviour to hide your head in the sand over this and ignore the fact that family life is important. Especially when your wife is not happy.

Sorry slightlymad72 not OP.

Yes, perhaps he should give up working for the money they need (OP says they do need the money) and instead not earn any money thus putting the relationship under even MORE strain, and what with lack of money leading to stress, watch as his family disintegrates and yet another family splits.

All for a bit of 'couple time'.

Which is better? A man who works hard for his family because he loves them, or a man who doesn't really give a but instead feeds his wife platitudes about 'love' and Mills and Boon?

Seems to me that most women prefer the latter.

This is just the thing, he is working hard, waaaaay too hard, some of that is because he CLICHE ALERT, needs to work smarter and be more organised. But anyway, he is a decent man and a good father. We NEED the money.

So Marantha, you ARE right, but that doesn't make the fact that i/we also need to spend some time together any less pertinent. It also doesn't make it any easier when this doesn't happen. HE needs to time off too. We haven't had a family holiday for two years - although it is looking like we will manage it this year (so its good - thank you clubcard!). HE is exhausted, i am worried about him too.

Its rock and a hard place, really - i know he doesn't actually have much choice, he almost has less choice because he works for himself as he can't just throw a sickie as the buck stops firmly at his feet. He is a builder, someone asked.

I know that maybe i am being selfish for being self pitying and brattish about it, but i do actually think that this time - i am going to put my foot down and make it happen. One day wont make a difference to this job so im going to stand firm, but in a positive way.

He is going to have a bloody day off on Friday, he is going to enjoy it so there!!!

If one day genuinely will not make a difference then put your foot down, if you've any inkling that it will, don't do it because he'll be thinking, 'I could be working'.

Also, I can only reiterate what I said earlier: if you are able (some people are not, I understand that) to work, getting a job for yourself should be a priority for you -part-time or full-time, whatever suits, but it would be extra money and take some of the burden off him.

Sorry to be blunt, but if you are able to work and are not really trying to find a job (maybe you are. I can't possibly know so don't take offence)I don't think it is right that you complain about him working so hard.

I don't think YABU to rant about it, and to feel upset etc.

But you need to tell him straight.

I know work is important. I know we need the money. I am truly grateful for how hard you work to support your family. But I love you, and want to spend some time with you. We need to make the time.

If he loves you (and I am sure he does!) then he needs to realise how important this is to you.

All work and no play, and all that...

Hi YouRmysunshine
I could have written your thread as it is just how I feel about my DH. He travels 50% of time and when he is home he is either on blackberry or too tired. This is the first year I haven't had a valentines card and I am alone tonight apart from DC as he is working abroad. We do not need the money, I have told him we could survive on less and he could get a easier/less stressful job and be with his family more but he doesn't want to give it up. I honestly think he prefers working than being at home with his family and that really hurts. As a last ditch attempt to save our marriage we are waiting to get our Relate appointment.

marantha, i AM trying to find work, im desperate to get back, but its proving difficult and im struggling with being at home.

I agree with you, that its not worth it if he is going to be stressing about being at work, but i will be GUTTED if it doesn't happen

9stonewannabe, i couldnt cope with that, i really couldn't :( kind of puts things in perspective