to say no?

[OutOutLetItAllOut]

ok, i have a bad relationship with my sister, so i need some perspective!
i have 3 children, 4, 7 and 11.
sister has taken the 11 yr old out for days out, over night, long weekends all on her terms, not to help me. basically once a yr she wants to do something and asks, i say yes, as he enjoys it. she will not look after the kids so i can do anything, and very very rarely comes to see us, and NEVER invites us to go see them. she called me yesterday to ask if she could take ds away for 3 nights in the 1/2 term. i said no.
i know he will love it. but the 7 yr old will be so sad, they never take her anywhere, never spend time with her, and tbh, i think it is totally unfair. my sister is now saying i am being a bitch, its not fair on my 11 yr old that he cant do things cause he has a younger sibling.
am i being mean?

No you aren't - it smacks of favouratism and is not fair to your younger sibling, unless of course you were taking her away for three days whilst your son is away.

Tell her it was fine when she was younger but now she is older it is not fair.

YANBU

yanbu
did you tell her she was being unfair?

Agree with Fabby - In fact would go so far as to ask her why 11 yr old is favoured?

i said no, she asked why, i said, cause dd will be too upset that you are taking ds away again, and you havent spent any time with her. cant you take her for a few days instead, have some 1 on 1 with her.
she said, no she is too young.

If she is old enough to understand and be upset by the glaringly obvious fact that she is being left out then she is old enough to join in any fun activity or trip.

If you explained this to your 11 year old would he understand. If you said Can you see how upsetting this would be for your sister? You getting this treat and her getting nothing so I just can't agree to it?

This is wierd because it's just so blatant.

If the 11 year old would enjoy it I would let him go - you would it if was a school friend or scouts or something.

Tell your DD that when she's 11 you are sure Aunty x will take her :)

DD can be 'the eldest' while DS is away and you'll have a bit more time to spend doing what she enjoys doing.

Win/win.

It really isn't fair on DS to miss out just because DD isn't invited.

I don't agree with your sister only ever taking the eldest - but I guess it's her choice.

I think it's just as mean to say to DS - no you can't have this treat because they wont take DD as well. Why should he miss out and not DD?

saying aunty will take you when you hit the same age is not going to work, she has been doing this for about 5 yrs,so started this when ds was younger than dd now is.
ds has had plenty of treats via this aunt, and tbh he is not all that btohered about going with her. its 1/2 term, and he is pretty happy to stay home and do stuff with us. so he isnt worried about not going.

she has a tendancy to ask him to ask me, so i am backed into a corner. she took him away for a long weekend in the last holiday, so fairly recently.
he knows i have said no, and i have expalined why. i have no issue with her only taking 1 of the kids, im not after her having all 3 of them, but i really dont feel it is fair for her to chose her favourite and do things wit that one. it upsets dd and will soon upset ds2.
it honeslty doesnt make my life any easier when she has him, they all get on really well, and cause they are so varied in age, they dont compete for the same things anyway.
i just feel that if i keep letting her do this, then dd and ds2 are going to resent ds1 and their aunt.

Did she actually call you a bitch?

I'd say calmly to her that you appreciate her offers, but could she not alternate which child she takes, and point out that she started taking ds when he was younger than dd. It is favouritism and I don't think yabu to expect her to treat your children equally. If that means she stops doing for any of them, so be it.

yeah she did, shirleyknot
why are you being a bitch about it? i just wanted to treat him.

YANBU.

She is being selfish and doing this to suit herself without any thought of you and your family - when really a sister should be around to help you. Unfair of her to back you into a conrner

she is a major pain in the arse in general tho, and tbh, i dont really like her. so i thought maybe i was just being a cow.
possibly not tho eh?

My mum and uncle had almost exactly the same thing in their childhood. One aunt adored my uncle and almost completely ignored my mum. She always said stuff like "Oh, I've no time for little girls"

My uncle grew up to be a spoiled person who always relied on my aunt to bail him out of financial situations; and when she died (leaving everything to him in her will) he started taking from my grandmother.

He's not a bad man, just spoiled and has a bit of a "I'm a Very Important Human" thing. My mum has never really forgotten that her brother was taken on holiday and stuff when she had to stay at home (they were v poor)

i already said no, but then thought, wait a sec, am i being nasty? its not like she was taking him somewhere life changing, or doing a once in a life time type activity. so he wont really miss out!
i have 2 siblings, and our aunts always treated us very similar. it is nice to get 1 one 1 time with them, but not always one sided.

This sort of thing stays with you. Not saying it scars you or anything but when you look back there it will be amongst the other stuff.

If DS is really not that bothered then good.
No harm done either way.

It doesn't change the fact that she is blatantly favouring one child and to call you a Bitch over it. Strange.

I don't have brothers or sisters [me me me] but seriously, if anyone called me a bitch I would be ALL UP IN THEIR GRILL.

Shirley kickass.

I have a younger sister and sibling politics is an effing nightmare. We get on but have sore feet from walking on eggshells.

OP it would be nice if your sis could talk to you without resorting to name calling. Does she normally communicate this way?