Please help me! Need some one to talk to about this

[StaryNightSky]

Oh God Please HELP!
This is going to be long, but I literally am in tears as I don´t know what to do, so please find time to read!
I used to post a lot but have not been able to for several years.
Background.
I have a DD (2.5) very good pregnancy and labour, but after I gave birth I was very ill. Lots of blood loss, and epileptic fits (lost 4pints) DH was old to call family as I might not make it through the night. I Was very poorly but desperate to breast feed, and managed for 4 months, and then combined feeding for another month (had to stop as it was the only option was Breast feed in hospital whilst being given blood). Because I was so weak I slept in DD room for 18months, night feeds, night waking (I have severe epilepsy and need as much sleep as I can get) etc. Dh and I have had problems from day 1. I think he was terrified that he would lose me and (sub) consciously blamed DD. I had comments like ?YOUR daughter is crying? said to me in the middle of the night, when I had not woken up and he came in and shook me. Leave her to cry (dd was 3 days old) she was cluster feeding at night, would not settle for a couple of hours and feed constantly. He would not hold / cuddle / feed. But would change nappies. Could not be trusted to look after dd (5 wks old, I asked to watch dd when I had a shower, came back into the room 5 mins latter DH was outside, DD was in the lounge)
We had a terrible time, lots of things were thrown at me DH said he was only a sperm donor, that I had trapped him, we really struggled. NOT TRUE BY THE WAY
Fast forward, DD is nearly 3. We have our own business (think hotel) we work 7 days a week, 365. No break. We have no money, (I feed us on 75 pounds a month). We are constantly tired, I am still getting up with DD most nights, she has just started nursery so is catching everything that goes.
DD is a poppet, DH is great most of the time and a good partner. BUT the problem is in the Bed room, I have a weight problem I have battled my whole life (lost 8 stone, whilst pregnant and diagnosed with a rare hormonal problem) I am for the first time in my life losing weight whilst still eating(previous problem with depression) I desperately DO NOT want to take the pill, encase I start to put weight on or the weight loss stops. I cannot explain how miserable I am over being FAT! I can´t eat out as I think everyone is judging me. (I am in tears even thinking about it)
But the problem is DH can?t use condoms etc. We have not had Sex for 3 years. We do other things (Oral, manual etc) but what with all the work, monies worries, etc things are getting very strained. I really do understand what he means, and I think is a fair point but I don´t know what to do.
Basically DH says no sex no relationship, either we have a relationship in the bedroom or we seperatre. So as I see it I have 2 choices.
1 take the pill and risk not losing weight and being even more miserable
2 Dont´take the pill and lose DH and being miserable.
I also worry so much about DH having DD on his own, he has never settled her to sleep, etc and loses his temper quickly (IS NOT VIOLENT NEVER HAS BEEN) but I still worry.
Please I don´t know what to do, I have no one to talk to.

Thanks guys no time but will check in a bit latter

Thanks all for the very supportive comments.

I jsut feel so emotionally tired on top of everything else.

There is more back ground like all things, but No I will not be having more children DH has made it very clear that he would not be staying if that happened. Also as the NHS messed up and said I was o+ I had no Anti D for 9months. But I am strangly sorry about not having the option as I felt I missed out on so much as I was so weak. Probably Makes no sense.

I think I will have to go the doc and have a shat about the pill, just feels like once more peice of shit to deal with. (I take SO much medication its already over 20 tablets a day, plus inhallers, etc)

I´m just FED UP :(

I second (or was it third?) the cap. It was my original contraception of choice and the only one I would still consider. Clean, easy, unobtrusive and pretty natural.

I wouldn't rush into getting sterilised. I did, at the request of my twat XH who refused to have the snip. Not long after we split up and I now have no chance of having more children.

Try the cap Stary :)

I don't think the problem here is the form of contraception but the DH!

He says he will leave you if you have another baby and will leave you if you don't start having penetrative sex again even though you can't take the pill. Maybe you should tell him that YOU will leave HIM if he doesn't sort out his erectile problems whilst wearing a condom!

This is a man who won't see to his own child and won't even cuddle, hold or feed their baby? And you are with him because . . . ?

StaryNight - does he actually take your feelings into consideration about anything? Serious question btw as nothing you have written suggests that.

Hi Stary
Go and see you GP. S/he will give you some advice on the contraceptive options. The contraceptive injection might be an option for you and I believe it last 2/3 years.

Good Luck

You DH really does sound like an unsupportive shitbag!

This is about way more than contraceptive. solooovely has summed it up nicely really!

Sorry your going through all this stary.

Well done on the weight loss.

This may sound crass and its not meant to be but sometimes people don't put weight on with the pill because of the life style change. For example if your happier and having sex you may lose more this way. Obviously yours is hormonal so I could be talking bollocks.
The mini pill I think is the one which has less effect on weight gain.

I agree a GP to discuss would be the best first option.

Totally agree, Stary shouldn't even think about sterilisation as a form of contraceptive. Not for an arse of a DH like that.

I thought the Cap could not be used if you were at an unstable weight (or am I just showing my ignorance)

DH does normally take my opinion into account. I just on this he feels that he has been sentanced by me (for failing to do anything for the first 18months) and that I am punishing him.

I have told he in the passed that I have had enough, and then I get it pointed out that his mum (we have a restrainging order due to threats against me and DD) was estranged becuase he stood up for me.

FIL (seperated from DH DM) has not spoekn to us since DD was 2 wks old, as I had made DH leave the UK.

So I am Litterally the only family he has!

I really sounds terrible when I lay it out like this, but he is normally a really good partner, he will make the beds, help with cleaning (he can't cook) looks after if I am down with a cold / flu.

I am just really struggling with this problem.

Also I tried the Implant (upper arm) was on this when I fell pregant with DD.

FWIW I would NEVER think of Steriliation for any man (just my personal opinion) I have been with a lot of frogs!

Why not a vasectomy? You don't want any more DCs and neither does he?

I think he does sound quite unsupportive but I'll bet he's depressed, it must have been terrifying seeing you nearly die after DDs birth.

If you do not want more children how about him having a vasectomy?

I have been responsible for the contraception in my marriage for 12 years. due to health problems, I can no longer be.

Dh is having the op next month.

He also dislikes condoms but we have been using them for many months due to the situatuion.

Also, is your dh aware that this "post natal drought" is fairly normal. As your dd gets older it will become easier to amke time for each other.

You sound like you have had a really toght time and I am sorry to say your dh sounds like a spoilt brat.....he feels like s "sperm donor"???????? How about him spending some time with his dd then? How about him looking after her occasionally then???? Perhaps then he will feel more "involved"?

Sorry to hear you're having a rubbish time.

TBH, it sounds like your DH hasn't been all that nice to you over the years.

What about the cap? Would your DH consider getting the snip?

I understand re the weight gain concern.

StaryNightSky, (lovely name btw), you sound so unhappy.

So do you feel like you might want to leave him, but in the past when you have said you have had enough, he has said that's not fair because he stood up for you to his mum getting a restraining order? And the brother won't speak to him because you and DH left the country? Therefore he will be left alone?

Most families do not refuse to speak to each other if a member of the family leaves the country. And most mother in laws do not threaten their grandchild and DIL. It's not your fault his mother and brother are not normal.

Would you like more children, but he doesn't or are you happy with just the one?

How on earth do you manage to feed 2 adults and a child on £75.00 a month?

If you are working 7 days a week, and only have such a small amount for food, something is wrong. Who does the accounts? You, or him?

I can see my questions sound blunt, and you seem a gentle person and unhappy, so sorry if I upset you. Don't feel you have to answer everything or any of it.

sorry, just read it is FIL who is not speaking to Husband

Starry this sounds far too complex for me to even begin to put in my two pennorth but you are a lovely mummy and a lovely lady and deserve to be much much happier and more supported than this. Please try to get some professional help.

With love and, if you will accept them prayers, for a very happy future. Take care and try to put yourself and dd first.

My GP told me that the pill increases appetite in some people, thats why they put on weight. I always use Cilest, it really agrees with me, doesn't cause me any side effects and I managed to lose all my baby weight on it. If you go for a pill, the combined/low oestrogen pills cause least side effects and may have less of an impact on your weight loss programme than the traditional oestrogen only pills.

Would you want another pregnancy with all the medical problems you suffered? Did you go of of your medication while pregnant?

It doesn't sound like the problem here is the actual sex but rather other issues in the relationship. Has he tried working on his inability to stay hard with a condom? It is something that he might be able to remedy as opposed to you having to make a sacrifice that will ultimately leave you unhappy. It sounds like you are unhappy anyway TBH. I hope the situation resolves itself, you seem like you are, and have been working very hard to overcome a lot of obstacles and it is very admirable. Wish you the best

After reading more on this, I don't want to make rash assumptions as I don't know the full back story, but it appears that your husband is emotionally blackmailing you into submission as some sort of troublemaker in his life.

A) You trapped him with a child (was the child the only reason you got married and didn't he know sex could result in a baby?).

B) You are now responsible for his happiness as he has had to isolate himself from his family because of you (were you the instigator that caused his mother to be abusive toward you? If not then why are you responsible for having to get a restraining order against an abusive family member? He could have decided not to defend you, it was his own choice).

B) You are responsible somehow for his father deciding to not talk to him. (Why is it your fault that an autonomous parent has decided this? And that is very strange, and he could have decided not to move abroad, how could you have forced him exactly? He made that choice himself.).

He is emotionally blackmailing you into doing what he wants. He makes you the wrongdoer who has to atone for it by pleasing him. He sounds horrid and selfishly callous. I really don't usually like saying things like that but you sound like you are going through far too much for one person to take.

The pill isn't the only contraceptive method. You should go to your GP, talk about these issues, and see if they can help find you a contraceptive method that will work for you. Injection, coil come to mind but I'm no expert, just please talk to some one who is.

I agree with others that it isn't just a practical question of sorting out the contraception- you need to sort out your relationship. The main problem seems to be that your dh has been brought up by some seriously strange people and therefore has no idea what normal healthy relationships look like. He needs to accept this and accept that you need help.

It is not normal for a MIL to attack a DIL- and if it happened, a dh with healthy expectations would be falling over himself apologising to his wife, not blaming her for any subsequent rift.

It is not normal for families not to speak to each other because one person moves abroad.

Otoh it is normal for both partners to take responsibility for contraception and work together on finding the best solution.

It is normal for a man to help look after his own house- making beds, cleaning, taking his turn at cooking (and learning to cook of he can't!).

It is normal for a man to help look after his own baby, regardless of how that baby was conceived (unless you had deliberately lied to him about using contraceptives- in which case he should either have left you or decided to stay on and accept it).

It is not normal in a healthy relationship for one partner to threaten to leave the other any time things get difficult.

I am not saying you should leave your dh, but you both need to work on this relationship.

Thanks Everyone I was starting to lose my mind and all prespective on this!

NO apparently his mum has been like this with every girl friend! Only as I am a fairly strong person (did very stressfull and demanding job) I would not just walk away from DH, as I thought we had a good thing going. Things got steadly worse, and we stoped all contact with her (DH request) about 7 years ago, Since then we have emailed threats (really nasty stuff) she will spit at me, and has cleared all the shevels in the supermarket when she saw me in there! It is not nice, I have a very severe back injury and I can not move fast, so I am alwasy pretrified that she will do things like this when I have DD with me. Then she started to make threats against my life and DD life (god bless the police here, they do not tollerate this sort of thing, so we able to get a restraining order)

DH dad is lovely and we got on like a house on fire, but FIL was not able to keep contact with DH whilst DH lived under his mums roof (similar problem as MIL was very abusive) so from FIL perpective he finally started to rebuild a relationship with his son and 2 years latter DH, and me left for Spain. FIL would never have the nerve to do it so he feels like I FORCED DH into it (Not True by the way)

The problem with regard to money is that I have a Small garanteed income (I invested my finanical settlement from an car accident) although the business is bringing money, every penny we have go straight back in to improve the presmises. So we live off of my small garanteed income.

It is not the hard I do not eat much anyway, and food is cheaper here, and I am good cook, so lots of soups stew ect and plenty of padding but there is no room for many treats. The last time DH and went out for a meal was 2.5 years ago!

I am an FD so I do all the accounts, DH is not good with money (if he has it he spends it) Had never even had a bank account in his own name untill he met me. MIL had a trustee acount for him and he was a joint signatory on he CC.

I think there are bigger issues than controceptive. This morning, DD (very poorly with a chest infection) wanted to go to the toilet (I have been up with her for 3 nghts straight and could not move) so DH tried, I had to jump out of bed 2 mins latter as he was screaming so much it frightened me!

We have a tone of work to do to day and I am shattered. But DH is already offened as I rejected his advances(AGAIN) this morning, as I was leaving to take DD.

ARG I hate being a whinger and you lot have been so nice, and I just need to get something out befor I explode.

Sorry