Re. baby's sleep, am I or DH BU?

[strawberrycake]

8 month old DS has been unwell and his eating/ sleeping is royally messed up. I've never had a routine as such but similar times of the day he naps in his cot.

While he was ill and after DH has had more time off with him than normal and has been back in the habit of rocking him to sleep in his bouncy chair. It's the easy way to make him sleep, totally fuss free lounging on the sofa with one foot bouncing it.

Now he;s getting better DS is getting back to the point where this is the only way he'll sleep in the day, plus his night time sleep is messing up too.

I've been walking ds round until he's tired and keep putting him down to settle in his cot. He's crying a lot, I pick him up, calm him, then try again. Ad nauseam. He's finally asleep.

DH has been treating me like I'm an evil witch for distressing him and keeps telling me to bounce him in his chair. I know this will be fairly instant calm BUT he's 8 months (9 in a few days) and (hopefully) won't fit in a bouncy chair much longer. What do we do then? Plus I feel we're causing him distress by teaching him bad sleep habits and he's sleep-deprived if I go out with him and upset in the day a lot.

PLUS.

He's only been drinking milk at night. He used to have 0 or 1 bottles but now has 3 at night and none in the day. They're about 3 oz each. DH is arguing that he's been ill and we should let him eat when he wants and I'm wanting to starve the underweight baby. I feel we simply need to somehow shift bottles to the day to help him sleep again. He's unsettled as sleeps less. Plus it seems he's getting to the point where he can only settle with a teat in his gob. I don't feel this is great. I offer water at night, if he persists I then give milk if nothing else will do. IT's about 50/50 if it does or doesn't. DH says we should take every chance to get calories in that we can, I feel he won't eat anymore, we're simply feeding him at the wrong times.

I think your DH is being a bit U as you are only trying to help your DS sleep better, but you both need to agree on what it is best to do, otherwise it won't help DS if you are not consistent in your methods.

I find illness always messes things up but it's better to get back to how things were if possible before bad habits are entrenched. As for bottles in the night, I would try and reduce them slightly over time til it's not worth him having them (or only giving 2 a night, then 1 a night and so on).

You are right, keep at it, but tell DH he did the right thing in indulging DS while he was ill, so he doesn't feel criticised. Pikachu is right - you need to agree on what to do.

I indulged him too when ill, I was a human mattress for a week.

I'm willing to compromise but I can't get past his mindset of doing anything to stop crying. As soon as DS squeaks he gets rocked or picked up. I'm no meanie myself but think we're causing the crying in a way by creating these sleep habits.

I think I just needed to hear I'll not an evil cow, what between DH and MIL's input!

strawberry - I don't think that it's healthy to pick up a child as soon as they wimper and that teaching them self-soothing skills is very important. But luckily my DH agrees with this too so we are usually united in our parenting style. Hope you find a good compromise soon, but sounds like he is very fixed in his views.

I always picked up my children when they cried. Nothing wrong with it so far as I'm concerned.

Why can't he have milk at night before he goes to bed, surely it would help him sleep better.

FabbyChic, why on earth wouldn't anyone let a baby have milk before bed, what gave you that impression? It's the 1oz at 11pm, 2oz at 1am, 3oz at 3am, 1oz at 4am, 1oz at 5am that's killing me.

Also if you read I DO pick him up, I just don't bounce him in a bouncy chair.

Have you accidently replied to the wrong thread?

My DH was like this. We never got a compromise as he would always get up to the restless baby, stay with them until they fell asleep etc. No matter what I said he persisted.

So ours were poor at settling themselves to sleep, came through to our bed in the night etc.

If you can sort this out now- do so!

If you can't. Well mine sleep through fine now but then again they should as they are 17 and 19. It all settled down from about age 5 but could have been so much better so much sooner.

age five (!)

DH is more the type to nag ME to do it.

IIRC your DS hsa had a lot of problems feeding and gaining weight? if so, surely offering water at night instead of milk is a bad thing?

i appreciate him only taking tiny amounts frequently is knackering but offering him water when hungry is surely counter productive?

I agree with your DH

under the circs, he does need every change to take in calories , even if it is tiring for you

lulu- The problem is he eats the same amount regardless of when he eats them. I can half-kill myself at night getting them in while he sits and eats nowt all day or I can try to reverse it. By nowt all day I mean no milk at ALL in between 7 and 7, regardless of it being offered.

I agree with your DH, why not use the bouncy chair if that works.

There is nothing wrong in giving milk at night if your baby needs it and he does at least 50% of the time according to you.

Doesn't it just take a few years for our little ones not to need us at night.

My oldest slept well on her own without coming through to our room at around three years old.

Our 2.5 year old starts off the evening in his own bed and moves in with us when he wakes up in the middle of the night (like his big sister use to). He is learning to be without us and by three will be sleeping independently.

Our 6 month old baby is in our bed and will be until she is around 18/24 months old. Our youngest is also a brilliant sleeper has slept through the night since 3 weeks old ! Which just goes to show it is more what your baby is like than the way we parent.

If you just go with the flow and do what you need to get the most sleep possible and worry about 'self soothing' later. They pick it up on their own, when they are ready. Life is too short to spend trying to get a baby to self settle when you go help them.

Babieseverywhere- the issue with the bouncy chair is he's 9 months in a few days, surely soon he won't physically fit in one (hopefully anyway). I'm trying to prepare him for when he doesn't fit (which will be soon hopefully) rather than let him get more and more dependent on it. I let him nap in it a bit (he is now) but I'm trying to start with at least some cot time.

I work. I really feel like MY health is going it's been going on so long. I woke up with palpatations and confused last night and I can barely function at work. I've been up silly amounts at hospital with him too and I'm too tired to do anything. It's affecting my bond with him tbh. He's relentless. I love him hugely but every week there's a new worry with him and I need some sleep at least to deal with him.

The chair is hard to describe btw, it's not as big as an ordinary bouncy chair, clearly for new babies. It's very reclined, more of a nest shape too it rather than the usual more upright style. If you put an average sized 6 month old in it it would sink to the floor, it's tiny and he can't be in it much more!

I think I'd be inclined to agree with your DH. I would be giving milk at every opportunity.

I fed DS on demand during the night until he was almost 2, and he now sleeps through beautifully - he's 2.6 - and has done for the last 6 months.

Honestly, I would worry less about teaching bad habits and focus on maximum calories and sleep by whatever means for now.

here

You can see from the pic with the tiny baby in how big it is (and how big ds). It couldn't take 20lb like they claim, at 15lb it's an inch off the floor.

So what about buying a bigger bouncy seat like this one that might buy you a few more months of bouncing him too sleep.

Have you considered co-sleeping at night, it can really help maximise sleep ? Just as a short term measure, you can move him out again later.

You also mention night feeding in ounces so I am assuming you are going downstairs to make bottles up ? Is there anything you could reduce here...would he take bottles at room temperature, if he would, could you use those pre made formula cartons ?

Whatever you decide to do or not do, he is likely to change his sleep pattern at some point, I hope for your sake it is sooner rather than later. I really feel for you, no sleep is so hard to deal with :(

Neither you or your DH are being unreasonable in how you think you should deal with your baby's sleep and feeds. There's no right or wrong as such. BUT you do need to agree on what route you're going to follow so you can parent consistently.

I'm with you OP, you're doing the right thing. We took the decision to stop putting DD to sleep in her glider, only in the cot or the moses basket and it was a nightmare for a while, but ultimately it was better for her and us.

If he used to go to sleep happily in the cot then why go backwards and keep him in a bouncy chair (or get a bigger one!). He won't have really forgotten about the cot yet, it should be pretty quick to get him back into the flow of things.

Can you split the milk and the rocking up. Address each separately.

At the moment I'd stick with feeding as and when - if he's been ill, all rules out go out the window.

As for the rocking, our DC would only sleep being rocked in the car seat up to 12 months at which point the straps didn't fit around him We thought it would be a nightmare, and it was for 3-4 days, now he's having all naps in the cot. But oh I put it off for months

Ask Moxie has the answers but you won't like them!

The "8-month sleep regression" (which for some babies is closer to a 9-month sleep regression) is related to the 37-week spurt. For some reason that one just seems to cause more waking, too, than some of the other spurts do. It might also be particularly hard because many babies are smack in the middle of working on crawling or walking, and also teething. (At Casa Moxie we've had probably 8 weeks of crappy sleep between teething, the 37-week spurt, crawling, teething, and now pulling up. Every now and then he'll have an easy night, but boy is it rough being a 9-month-old.)

Bear in mind that individual kids have different reactions to all kind of spurts (physical, developmental, etc.). Some teeth painfully for months, while others just pop a tooth with no symptoms. Some will wake in the night practicing crawling for weeks, while others never do and just take off one day with no warning to you. The developmental spurts are the same, so you might have a kid who has 3-4 nights of wacky sleep and then learns a new skill, or you could have one that spends 3-4 weeks waking up before every spurt.

YANBU, OP, I think it's fair enough when they are sick that you have to do whatever it takes, but once they are well again to try to encourage them to sleep and eat at the best times. I think the best time for sleeping is at night, eating during the day, and it didn't take my children very long to get the idea after they'd recovered from being sick.

However, I think this was due to my H and I being united in our approach- I imagine it wouldn't work otherwise.

Perhaps if your DH has to get up and feed your DS 4 times a night, he might change his mind!

Really feel for you- I don't do well on little sleep, neither did my babies, they were so much happier after a full night's sleep!

if son is well you do need to get him into feeding during the day and not night. a last feed at 10pm would be ideal maybe. tons of children his age sleep through without a fuss. i would also try and get him off to sleep without the bouncy chair too if he is back to normal. there are some kind ways you can do this - you don't have to just put him to bed and ignore him.

I think you're right not to rely on the bouncy chair anymore. With younger babies and in times of illness etc I'd say "whatever works", but by 9 months it's good to think about making things easier for yourself in the long run (i.e. getting the baby to self-settle and sleep in his/her own bed).

neither if you are BU

you are just struggling with sleep deprivations and the nuances and mysteries of baby sleep!

but maybe lose the bouncu chair , as you are right its a short term fix only