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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

at DS's nursery and their gender stereotyping?!

36 replies

oneofthosedays · 13/02/2011 13:06

Not really a massive issue/AIBU - I just found this attitude from nursery amusing!

Picked DS (3y) up from nursery on Thursday and asked how he had been. Pre-school leader said he'd been fine, but 'a bit of a monkey, he's been quite cheeky', think he'd been answering back bit and not really co-opeating with the activity. He's like this at home and he does get told off/punished for it (toys taken off until behaving better, naughty step sometimes depending how bad he's being etc). So I apologised and reprimanded DS lightly (other kids around so didn't want to show him up too much) and said I'd have a word at home (which I've done on the other couple of occasions he's behaved like this).

Leader laughs and says 'it's fine, really - he's a boy after all! It's to be expected!'.

I just laughed whilst internally disagreeing that DS should get away with being cheeky and disruptive just because he's a boy. It's amazing that people still think like this!

OP posts:
VanityRocks · 13/02/2011 13:07

It's just a joke.The same way people say about girls 'oh well girls can be right little madams'..etc etc.

Original poster
oneofthosedays · 13/02/2011 13:12

It's difficult to gauge how 'hard' to come down on DS tho if they don't give you an honest report of how he's behaved and how it's affected the activity or the other children. I really want to make sure he gives the nursery no trouble at all (I know this is all but impossible though!).

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 13/02/2011 13:12

its a flippant comment not searing gender exposition.dont sweat it

southmum · 13/02/2011 13:30

You don't 'come down hard' on a child AFTER the event Hmm

yabu for that comment

claig · 13/02/2011 13:54

The fact that they said 'a bit of a monkey' shows that it was not serious. I think they would have used different language if they were upset by it.

Spenguin · 13/02/2011 13:59

YANBU.

If she had said, 'well, you know what those damn penis thingies do, you know? Ugh, he's such a little terror and all because of his XY chromosome formation. God, sometimes I just get the urge to burn my bra during playtime...and then make anti-male signs out of the underwire'

[Sorry, bored on a Sunday and entertaining myself)

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 14:04

You don't 'come down hard' on a child AFTER the event

when are you supposed to do it then?

Original poster
oneofthosedays · 13/02/2011 14:06

southmum - I meant to discuss the event and talk to DS about behaving better, hence the 'hard' being in inverted commas!

Thing is I think they broach any behaviour issues in a fairly jokey way so it's difficult to know how bad the behaviour has been (obviously knowing DS I have a vague idea but not sure how bad he has been as he behaves worse for me and DH than he does for 'strangers').

As I said in the orginal post I found this stereotyping amusing rather than out and out concerning, hence the OP being relatively lighthearted.

OP posts:
cookielove · 13/02/2011 14:13

They probably have a jokey attitude towards his 'bad' behavior because often parents don't want to hear how the children have really been, countless parents have taken offence when i have told them that there child hit, pushed e.t.c as if i am lying to them.

I do use the terms cheeky monkey, little wotsit, or a pest. But i also tell it to the parents straight, if there child has been really naughty (although i can't possibly use that word) i tell them, in a serious tone, and discuss the punishment that was issued, time out e.t.c

Although i don't say boys will boys, i do say that it is part of the age group, but i work with 2-3 and it can be a very troublesome age

noodle69 · 13/02/2011 14:15

'They probably have a jokey attitude towards his 'bad' behavior because often parents don't want to hear how the children have really been, countless parents have taken offence when i have told them that there child hit, pushed e.t.c as if i am lying to them.'

I agree its very rare to find a parent that is happy for their child to be told off if they do something wrong. Some even get quite annoyed and turn it round and say it must be something nursery have done or it isnt the childs fault as they are tired, been up all night etc. A lot of parents dont want to be told so if you dont make it in to a joke they might complain.

southmum · 13/02/2011 16:46

squeaky - the nursery staff would have handled any naughtiness there and then. To then carry it on could confuse the child surely?
Confused

curlymama · 13/02/2011 16:53

They probably just didn't want you to tell him off at home for something that has already been dealt with. He's been told twice already, if you told him in front of them.

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/02/2011 16:54

I think this was gender stereotyping and it would annoy me

sims2fan · 13/02/2011 17:48

I remember at my wedding a couple of young, male, relatives were very naughty, to the extent that my mum apologised for their behaviour to a few other guests. The response she got from a couple of people was "oh well, they are boys." Yes, and I agree that in some cases boys are naturally more boisterous than a lot of girls, but I really don't think that excuses actual bad behaviour. They were being really naughty, and being boys did not excuse that in any way.

VanityRocks · 13/02/2011 17:59

Jamieleecurtis-would it really annoy you?Gosh can I live in your bubbleGrin

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/02/2011 19:23

Vanity

Not really, really, but a bit. If a child's behaviour is a problem, it's a problem, regardless of the child's gender. If it's not really a problem, the the nursery should deal with it - no need to mention "boys will be boys" and all that

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/02/2011 19:25

Also IME - "having a word/punishing with a 3 year old (I've had two 3 year olds) about their behaviour at playgroup has no real effect. Better to reward them with a sticker for a good report.

Littlefish · 13/02/2011 19:29

I agree with JamieLee.

My daughter came home from school in Reception and said "only boys go in the red zone, only boys are naughty". The red zone is part of their behaviour management system whereby they all start the day on green, can go up to gold if they behave well, or down to red if they make poor behaviour choices.

I was appalled that my daughter had had this stereotype reinforced by the poor teaching/provision in the classroom.

I think is is really inappropriate to say that poor behaviour is "ok because he's a boy" as if this somehow makes it ok.

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/02/2011 19:36

Thanks Littlefish.

In my second post above, I meant, there's little point in the parent having a word with a 3 year old after playgroup about their behaviour, since much of it is impulsive and should be dealt with there and then by the staff.

kaid100 · 13/02/2011 19:54

Unless they use a comparable justification to dismiss cheeky behaviour from a girl, YANBU.

tralalala · 13/02/2011 20:09

yanbu - but you will get loads saying 'far more important stuff... blah blah' but it's all so ingrained and it's all the little things that add up to end up with the huge gender divide that still exists.

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/02/2011 20:13

tralala - both my sons, who are actually pretty well-behaved have said to me "boys will be boys" when I've told them off at home. So that message came from somewhere.

I've also heard girls commenting on the fact that boys are naughty

Al1son · 13/02/2011 20:34

I work in Early Years and I have been shocked by the attitude that boys will somehow be harder to handle than girls. Some practitioners feel that boy-heavy groups will be hard work and girl-heavy groups will be quieter and easier to engage.

I firmly believe that every child is an individual and that you need to look at each child carefully to work out what makes him or her tick. If you can find a way to motivate a child you can influence their behaviour and their learning much more effectively.

Boys and girls often have different interests and a setting which feels that boys are less well behaved is probably failing to provide activities which engage them well. Research has shown that many boys learn better in an outdoor environment where they can use louder voices and larger movements to express themselves. Obviously this applies to a proportion of girls too.

I never expect less acceptable behaviour from a boy than a girl.

bulby · 13/02/2011 20:40

Littlefish I'm confused. I cannot understand how the classroommanagement plan is reinforcing gender stereotypes. Surely your daughters comment was simply an observation she had made, on that only the boys in her class have been naughty enough to go into this zone . If you think thebehaviour management plan I'd that bad then can't you move your child?

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/02/2011 20:44

Good for you Al1son. I have 2 boys and they are very different from each other. I reject a lot of gender stereotyping.