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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you mention this to school?

56 replies

Rockmaiden · 12/02/2011 22:34

DD has been on a weekend trip with school, only one night and returned today full of lovely stories about what a great time she had.

When talking about sleeping arrangements (she was hoping to have a top bunk) she told me that yes she did get a top bunk as did everyone else in the class and then went on to tell me that her friend who I won't name was the only one to sleep on the bottom bunk.

Thinking this was fairly innocent I said ' oh does 'friend' not like the top bunk' and the rather disturbing reply was ' yes she does but ' other child in class' said she's not allowed to sleep at the top because she has black skin'

I felt so sorry for this poor girl and then DD went on to tell me that she is the only firend this little girl has as the other girls say she is dirty and smells and they don't let her play.

I was so shocked that something like this was allowed to happen, the children in question are 7/8 years old so must have been supervised at nightime, why did no staff ask this little girl why she wasn't joining in?

I am thinking I may go into school and tell them what DD has said in case they are not aware of how much this little girl is being bullied.

We live in a very white community and she is the only child in the school that is non-white, sadly this sort of treatment isn't too un-common but this child's school trip was most likely ruined for something as stupid as the colour of her skin.

I just want to hug her right now, feeling very emotional. My youngest DS is mixed race and has not started school yet, seriously considering finding another school now when the time comes.

So anyway, what would you do, would you mention it to the school, child's parents?, perhaps the parent of the kid that was making racist comments?

Just can't bear to do nothing.

OP posts:
Spenguin · 12/02/2011 23:44

Jesus H Christ. I can't believe this goes on these days.

What a lovely child you have though! Thank God someone treats the other girl like a human being.

Not sure how to proceed as regards the girl's mother. However, I'm guessing she must be aware when she gets an answer to the 'so, how was school today? Who did you play with?' etc.

BoattoBolivia · 12/02/2011 23:49

Please put it in writing to the school. I had a similar situation when my dd was in reception. Her best friend was Indian and I was quite disturbed by the things dd reported some of the other children were saying. I was chatting to the little girl's mum and she told me more things eg: she didn't want Indian food in her packed lunch as some children said it was poo etc. Mum hadn't complained as she didn't was to make a fuss!! I asked if I could mention it to the school as I thought it was totally unacceptable and didn't want my dd exposed that kind of revolting behaviour either.
The school acted amazingly quickly, said they had no idea and by all accounts, nipped it in the bud. When question occasionally, dd said " oh no, x has no problems now."

I have since told her, that I was more proud of the fact that she told the bossy girls that they couldn't tell her who to play with, than anything she could do academically.

I am a teacher and I know children can be very clever about saying things without a busy teacher spotting it. If I had a parent tell me things like this, I would pay extra close attention to the children involved so i could catch them at it, and then pounce!

Portofino · 13/02/2011 00:06

I am a bit shocked about the other children's attitude in this day and age to be quite honest! Multiculurism is the norm. If they think that some is "smelly" and shouldn't be played with....well they got THAT from their parents. How sad.

Jamillalliamilli · 13/02/2011 00:59

Horrible for that child, and yes tell the school, but I'm not impressed with all the people who've decided with no apparent evidence, that it?s come from the parents.

My ASD son was set up by classmates to repeat racist assumptions (badly) about a mixed race child and a Jewish child. He had no concept of what he'd been set up to do or it being wrong, and cheerfully told me and I told school.

School told the parents, and the mother of the mixed race child spent a great deal of time publicly blaming me, whilst ignoring the insidious supposed friends of her son who?d set this up.

The Jewish mum had the sense to come and find out what sort of family we where and quickly realised it was unlikely to be coming from home.

Between us we caught one of the real culprits red handed. He was Columbian and his mum was absolutely horrified. It isn?t always the parents.

greenbananas · 13/02/2011 01:07

Any headteacher worth their salt would want to know about this. Please tell the school - maybe verbally to begin with and in writing if necessary.

whiteflame · 13/02/2011 01:38

definitely say something, it obviously needs sorting out. just a passing thought though - IS the girl smelly in some way? I think this part is probably unrelated to skin colour. It may also not be a 'bad' smell (e.g. it might be the smells of 'exotic' cooking).

needafootmassage · 13/02/2011 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicet · 13/02/2011 09:22

My ds1 made a derogatory comment about a boy he plays with in out of school club because of the colour of his skin recently. He is just 5 and neither dh or I are racist in the slightest (or have even commented on different skin colour to him) and have friends and family who are different races.

He has clearly heard it from someone as at this age I would have though it isn't possible that he has decided this himself. We explained why it is wrong to make judgements about other people based on their skin colour / hair colour / what they look like and how you should decide who you like based on whether they are kind / funny / like to do the same things as you etc and what they look like doesn't matter.

Then we had a quiet word with both the out of school club and his class teacher so that they could keep an eye and nip any racist behaviour in the bud.

Since then I have asked ds again if he has thought about what he said about the other boy and his comments indicate that he has taken it on board but we'll keep a close eye too.

OP from your later posts it sounds like you are handling this well

Adversecamber · 13/02/2011 10:37

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IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 13/02/2011 12:02

adversecamber your post made me so sad. My boy has suffered the same, I don't want it to happen anymore. I went into school and tore his schools policy to pieces, it's a great policy but they just don't implement it. I took it to the LA and to the Police as well. I will not rest until my children have exactly the same opposrtunities as everybody else. To be racist is illegal, nasty and very sad for all those involved.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 12:28

I am so sorry, AC and IDTSDO x

roadtrain · 13/02/2011 12:39

Horrifying that this has happened. I would definitely tell the school, would tell head face to face. Does your DD know who the ringleaders were because I would think that it would be helpful for the head to know where this has come from so that he/she can sort out the racism and the bullying. Really terrible and I am gobsmacked that this sort of stuff happens in Y3 kids in 2011.

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 13/02/2011 13:41

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Yes DD knows who the ring leader is, the child is a known bully but sadly seems to have a lot of influence over the other kids also.

Porto - No the child is not smelly in any way, she is a lovely little polite girl, she is very quiet and tends to only speak when you ask her a direct question which proberly dosn't help her at school.

Her mother I have met and she speaks very little to no english, dad I am un-sure of but someone must speak english as the little girl in question speaks it well.

I think the school should be doing more to include her, I was expecting to hear lovely stories from DD when Eid (sp) was approaching as assumed they would celebrate it on behalf of this child but nothing. Yet they celebrated Hannakah (sp) despite having no jewish children in the school.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 13/02/2011 14:11

Good for you Rockmaiden and your daughter. The school must address this under their bullying and harassment policy and their racism policy.

In any case I think OFSTED would crucify them if they got wind of this. I'm sure the HT will respond but if you're not happy I'd take it to the governing body. Poor little girl.

skybluepearl · 13/02/2011 15:03

the school should start to address this within the class.theres quite alot they can do - so do tell the head and the teacher everything.

some of the girls in my sons class are a bit bitchy and the teacher has done quite a few sessions with them using ano-blame approach. helps them reflect on how other people feel and what is fair.

the ring leader might need more direct action though.

whiteflame · 13/02/2011 17:57

Just to clarify, if she WAS 'smelly', the bullying would obviously still not be acceptable, but could help the teachers sort it out Smile

That is very sad that the school doesn't take opportunities like Eid, I'm sure the kids would love learning about that sort of thing.

Portofino · 13/02/2011 19:12

I never implied she WAS smelly - to me that is a childish insult. My dd is at a very mixed, city school. I have NEVER heard things like this said. They would get short shrift if they did I think.

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 13/02/2011 22:24

Oh I know you didn't suggest she is smelly and understood what you meant.

I think the problem is the fact that this area is so white, like I said she is the only non-white child in the school.

It's such a shame that we don't have more cultural diversity here to give children a positive image.

Will let you know how I get on tomorrow anyway.

OP posts:
Portofino · 13/02/2011 22:52

I don't believe that children are inherently rascist. They do notice differences at a certain age though. And girls particularly, at a certain age can be quite cliquey and cruel. Hence my ealier posts - making a BIG thing of this is not necessarily helpful etc... But subsequent posts make me believe you should speak to the school on this occasion.

Dd's school is close to Nato. In her nursery classes there were children from Africa, India and Morocco etc. They did loads of cultural stuff - local foods, customs etc. Then there was a stage where she thought that ALL black people were from Africa for example, because the black children she knew WERE. That was most hard to explain - espcially when she made loud comments on the bus.

We are past that now. Her friends are her friends and colour and ethnic background never enters into it, though she has now become aware of other things such as certain friends aren't allowed pork, and have a packed lunch instead.....

Portofino · 13/02/2011 22:58

And I grew up in a VERY white area in Kent. I find dd's questions about her multicultural environment very hard to answer, because I don't have a clue to be quite honest. I am having to educate myself all the time.

porcamiseria · 13/02/2011 22:58

definately do something

porcamiseria · 13/02/2011 23:01

I am so glad I live in a very mixed and multicultural area when I read this, fuck me

needafootmassage · 14/02/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonnie · 14/02/2011 10:07

Speak to the and invite said girl over for tea on a regular basis so she knows that she has a friend in school.

babylann · 14/02/2011 10:13

I have to admit my dad is racist, but I was never subjected to his "views" until I was a teenager. But I do remember when I started school, I had never seen anybody who wasn't white before, and there were two Indian children in my class. My mum told me a few years ago that the day I came home from my first day of school, I said, "There's this girl in my class, XXX, and she has the most beautiful brown skin." I do also remember asking my mum why said Indian girl smelled the way she did, to which my mum said it was probably the food she ate and that was that.

So it's not like 4 year olds just wander into school and don't notice the "differences" between different human beings themselves and make their own judgements. They don't have to have "got it from their parents", they can just see someone who doesn't look like them, be a bit confused about it, and make the decision that there must be something "wrong" with them all by themselves.