to be a bit apprehensive about becoming a grandma

[nufsed]

DD is pg with first baby and I am very excited

I'm also aware that there is a very fine line between being supportive and interfering, I can remember gently telling my own mum that she may have done things a certain way but that times had changed etc. Having read loads of threads on mums and MILs I've learned quite a lot about what new mums appreciate and what they don't - some obvious and some not so (I've had 30 years to forget what it's like).

I just want to be a tower of strength to my DD when she needs it and not an irritation at a time she can do without extra stress.

AIBU to be concerned? Any advice on what new mums need/want from their parents gratefully received.

My mum was overall great, She wasn't as supportive of bf as she might have been and does sometimes say 'well i just don't believe it' if I talk about new studies etc but apart from that brilliant.
I think it's because she thought about me a lot at a time when I felt everyone was all about themselves and their relationship with the baby (PILS ahem). The bfing thing prob came from that because she thought ff might get me more sleep/less anxiety. She also ASKED. She would say - go on give me one thing to do around the house and I'll do it. Just name it. She'd ask if she should bring food when she came round before coming round. She also, even if she rolled her eyes sometimes, respected my wishes re food/sleep etc for dd.
MIL never asked just 'invaded' (hormonal terminology I know) and took dd away and wouldn't give her back even when she was screaming for her mum. She also did the opposite of what I'd just said we do for dd normally right in front of me right after saying it a couple of times.
Mum loves being a granny. She says it's all the fun with none of the responsibility. MIL I think finds it hard - wants to be the mum figure as the centre of everything more than a granny.
You will be great I'd hazard based on the fact you are asking!!

You sound like a wonderfully caring mum who wants her Dd to feel comfortable so you are halfway there! Help with house stuff where you can and ask your Dd what she wants you to do and offer advice when asked for it and you will be fine! Enjoy your grandchild! X

My mum looked after me, so I could look after DD. She fed me, did laundry, hoovered. Was lovely, although DH felt rather put out as he'd taken 3 weeks off work to do all that!

And she only offered advice when asked, which was good!

And forgot to add, she got up at night with me and DD to make me tea and biscuits/toast for the week she was with us when DD was new. That was appreciated!

the only thing my mil did that pissed me off was asking to take the baby out alone at 3 days old, then got arsey when i dared to say no. if she had offered to take care of dd while i got some rest/showered etc i would snapped her hand off. instead i felt like i could not leave her alone with her incase she ran off with her. (a 15 minute trip to the shop took 2 hours, she took dd to visit her work mates without telling me)

just don't be too pushy, offer your help but give her space.

congratulations btw. i can't wait to be a nan even if dd is only 5 weeks old

Oh you sound lovely!

My mum just asked me if I wanted X and Y done. And didn't do it if I said no thank you. Even if, in retrospect, I should have let her...

Mil just did it. Which had the effect of a.) Pissing me off and b.) Making me feel like a crap mum.

I think your attitude will ensure that you are supportive as you sound very caring.

My mum was fantastic with both DS's. A couple of things that she did for me: -

• Cleaned and washed and did everything I couldn't (I wasn't mobile for a week after both births).
• Made all visitors cups of teas and made us all lovely food.
• With DS2 she was so supportive of Bfing, just sitting with me as he was feeding for hours on end and telling me that this was all normal and it wasn;t forever (even though ironically she wasn't particulary pro-bfing).

Just knowing that she was there for me was enough tbh and she never over-stepped the mark.

I think you will be fine. Enjoy your grandchild and your membership to the mutual appreciation society (DC's adore their GPs and vice versa).

As others have said, the fact that you are worrying about stepping on her toes means you probably won't do it.

Both my Mum and MIL were great. As long as you don't try to take over and treat the baby as yours I'm surer you'll be fine.

You sound lovely :) YABU to worry

Ask your DD what she wants. Then listen to her answer!

She might not want you to clean up or do her washing for her, then again she might. She might want to be left alone if she is BFing, she might want company. What I have learned on MN is that what one woman wants when they're having/have just had a baby is totally different to the next one.

As long as you listen to her, and respect her wishes and her way of parenting, you'll have nothing to worry about. I think you sound like you'll be a fabulous grandma

Sorry for post and run, had to call into work for a while.

Thank you all for your advice. Hopefully if I let her know I'm available for whatever she wants/needs but ask before wading in I won't go far wrong.

Looking after her so she can look after her DC is great advice - and it's my job as her mum anyway! My only worry is cooking for her - I'm crap at cooking

The best thing about becoming a gran is knowing my DD will know how magical it is to be a mum

Ahh, you do sound lovely.

Again, the fact that you are even thinking about it means that you are likely to come across as being supportive. The main thing is no critisism!

The thing my Mum did that I appreciate the most was to accept my wishes and allow me to trust her do to exactly what I told her o when she was left alone with ds for the first time when he was 5 months. I knew that even if she would never have done the same thing with me, that if I told her to do something in my way, she would. She always allowed me to find my own way and remained so supportive that she made me think I was doing the most amazing job of being a Mum (even when I thought I really wasn't). It's only now that ds1 is 11 that I've got round to telling her how much I appreciated that.

You sound lovely, if you want any extra grandchildren I'd happily share my dc out!

Oh you are so nice, brought a tear to my eye! You don't sound like you could annoy her at all! One thing my lovely mum did was keep wanting to come in and see dd in scbu, now I know she just wanted to see her but it was a very hard time for us and sometimes I just couldn't be bothered! So maybe once you have seen the baby once say to your daughter 'please let me know when I can come to see you again' and wait for her to invite you? I am sure she will want you there, that is just my experience

Oh God, i DREAD becoming a grandma. I'be given the last 20 years of my life to being a mum, and i resent the fact that yet another "role" or "title" will be thrust on me whether i want it or not.
not at all naturally maternal, and can't see me being grand-maternal in the slightest!!!

One thing you could do, which a friend of mine's mother did, is to call round in the morning (I'm assuming you're nearby) and say "I'm just here for five minutes. Run round and get me everything in the house that you need to be washed." Then she'd disappear with it all and turn up later that day with it all washed and ironed/folded AND would make up her daughter's bed with fresh linen.

I would have loved that! It's so depressing when the washing mounts up.

Oh and another thing is to make out that you were rubbish at everything when your first child was born. Say that you didn't get dressed until 5pm, that you were disorganised, the baby never slept etc. There is nothing worse than someone telling you how easy they'd found it.

atswimtwolengths I'd have been mortified if my mum or MIL had done my washing and ironing and made my bed - that's why asking what her DD wants is key .

nufsed if you're crap at cooking then you could always take her a few nice ready meals

I'd be delirious if they were non-judgemental and did it. If they were judgey, then of course it would be awful. And no, not my MIL - couldn't bear that. And she'd boil wash everything anyway.

But I do occasional swoops on my student daughter's flat - she is mortified for a couple of seconds but I chat about other things whilst she picks up all her washing fromthefloor and then loves it when I bring it back again. She's really stressed out with work and knows she doesn't have the time or inclination to do it. If I were to tell her off or look at her sideways then yes, she'd rather I wasn't there, but I know she does appreciate it.

Oh, thanks nufsed for posting about this. I already know I'm going to get it wrong. My DD phoned a while ago saying that she and her DH were planning to TTC later this year and I was floundering as to what to say. She's in her thirties and has been pretty much independent ever since she went to university.

She has definitely figured out all the various possible options regarding child care (including me), because she's very organised.

But when she mentioned seeing the GP prior to TTC, I said, oh, she didn't need to do that, just make sure she was taking folic acid. I realised as the words were coming out of my mouth that that was entirely the wrong thing to say because she will already have done her research.

Please can we have a [facepalm] emoticon, because I'm likely to need it.

You sound like a lovely mum, and already thinking about how it will be, so are likely to be sensitive to what your daughter and the whole family wants.

I think there's a difference between a mum and a MIL from what I read on these threads. Lots of people seem to have difficulties with MIL and it is different. With a mum, unless she was a very bad mum in some way, it seems to be easier from what I see, to the point that the IL's often feel quite excluded as they feel left out, I'm sure my MIL feels like that as I am very close to my mum.

So, I think things will develop, you will get the occasional thing wrong, but it's so exciting for you and a brilliant support for your daughter, I'm sure she will appreciate it. My mum looks after my children lots and helps out in other ways and is the one person I can 'boast' to about my two (have to be modest to the rest of the world)!

One of the nicest things my mum did a couple of days after DD was born was turn up with a chilli, ready to go in the oven-the first proper home cooked meal in days. She also did everything with DD exactly the same way I did things so it was complete continuity for DD and I knew she wouldn't just start doing things her way. When I was at her house one afternoon when DD was only a few weeks old and thngs were really getting on top of me, she phoned her friend to borrow a moses basket and insisted I stay the night. She slept in with DD and I went in the other room. She let me go upstairs whenever I wanted to for a sleep and she would look after DD. She just did whatever I wanted/needed her to (I didn't always know what I needed so she sometimes told me!) and was and still is, pretty bl**dy fantastic!

Given that you have all the concerns in your mind, I think you will read the situation brilliantly and do what is needed!

Best things my mum did for me was towards the first week, she came over and spent the morning and brought lots of food which I could graze on whenever (all from m&s so no cooking!!), then mid morning she made me go out for a walk with my husband, just to the park and back. When I came back she had hoovered all downstairs and tidied the chaos we had created in the week!

Was so nice to be able to relax in a nice house again! She basically looked after me so that I could look after dd.

Apparently being a granny is the best! Enjoy.

Thanks to all for the lovely and very helpful comments. I was unable to have any more children after my DD so have been looking forward to grandchildren for a very long time. That's why I've been concerned about being a bit over enthusiastic.

I will be printing this thread so I can remind myself of all your great advice when I think I'm in danger of going over the top the time comes.

Oh bless you, you sound lovely, you could also tell your daughter that you are feeling a bit nervous as you are not sure what she will want, so for her to let you know and to talk honestly about this. She may be worried about parenting in front of her wonderful mum (I was).

Onetoomanycornettos - that seems so obvious I'm rather about not thinking about it myself. Thank you.

Since you're already concerned about it, I think you'll probably get it mostly right.

When DD was born we stipulated that we weren't going to have anyone to stay for the first month because I didn't want the responsibility of having to look after anyone other than me and DD.

This caused a total melt down from my MIL (including tears. In public.) and she eventually came up on the train for the day.

My folks did a flying visit when we were in hospital and then returned after 2 weeks when DH went back to school, stayed in a nearby pub, arrived mid-morning and stayed until DH got back in the afternoon.

Mum is disabled so sat and kept me company, offering no advice or judgements but answered my questions as best she could and Dad got on with STUFF like cleaning the crumbs out of the toaster and fixing the downstairs loo...

I didn't want anything doing; they didn't do anything but the company was nice!