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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and the pub... yawn

68 replies

aliceinlalaland · 11/02/2011 21:26

I possibly ABU but I feel really fed up and want to have a moan really.

DH calls me at work today to say he's flat out at work, lots of new work has come in and he's got to work all tomorrow. Fair enough, he has a very busy job, has to work long hours and while it's not ideal I understand. But, it is a bit of a bugger - we had various things planned with the DCs tomorrow and it'll be a lot more work with one pair of (adult) hands. DC are just 3 and almost 1.

Then early evening I'm back home giving kids their dinner, call DH to see what time he'll be back i.e. should I wait for him or eat with the kids. He says he's going out to a leaving do at work. I'm a bit annoyed because (a) he hasn't mentioned it before (and despite him saying he's worked with this guy for a long time he has never mentioned the man's name to me before so I can't believe they're that close) (b) he's already going to be missing half the weekend with the DC and he hardly sees them during the week (half hour in the morning generally) (c) I spend quite a lot of evenings on my own at home as it is and really look forward to sort of celebrating the start of the weekend with him. Anyway I was bit grumpy about it but he says he will be back by 9 etc.

Then, inevitably, he texts later to say 'can he stay out a bit longer?', this is followed up by a call. So, I made it clear that I think it's a bit rubbish (and why) but that I'm not his mum and he can decide for himself whether or not to stay out. But I find it so irritating. He will I guarantee come back really late and then be hungover tomorrow, which seems daft to me when he's telling me how incredibly snowed under he is at work.

Plus it just annoys me that I"m the default setting for childcare. Because he knows I'll be back here to look after the DC in the evenings (and I don't begrudge that, I love putting them to bed etc) he doesn't bother to tell me when he's going out until minutes before. As you've probably gathered, this has happened before

Grrrrr. Go on then, AIBU?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:35

ok, take the money out of it then

why won't he leave ?

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:35

have you told him to ?

notremotelyintofootie · 11/02/2011 23:40

He doesn't think we have a problem... He likes his life and doesn't want to leave dd... If he was less selfish we would be fine tbh.... Just need him to do that!

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:43

I don't know all your story, NRIF, have you posted about this before ?

Perhas you could start a thread in relationships and get some balanced views ? You won't get them from me, I am afraid

Your situation sounds unfortunaely rather common..you will get good support if you started a thread, say tomorrow afternoon

notremotelyintofootie · 11/02/2011 23:45

Thanks yeah I have and am working on a few bits! Sleep now before dd wakes again! Night all....

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:46

Night NRIF...come back to this, won't you ?

Mumcentreplus · 11/02/2011 23:48

night NRIF..

FabbyChic · 11/02/2011 23:53

There has to be give and take in any relationship, whilst I understand that he works lone hours and should be able to have some respite, what about your respite?

Can you do something yourself with your friends on a night when your husband gets home early enough?

A relationship is two people pulling together, not one going in one direction and the other in another.

You should have told him you were disappointed that your plans for the weekend were changing and that because they were changing you would prefer he came home.

If you don't tell him how will he know? He will just assume it is okay, you cannot complain he is out later when you said it was okay.

If it was not okay then you should have said something.

butterpieify · 12/02/2011 11:56

I get this. It is ridiculous, and the main thing that me and DH argue about. It is just the sheer inconsideration of it - no idea that I might be tired, or ill, or need to go to the shops, or maybe just want an adult to chat to after a day with the kids.

I have had to decide not to take prescribed medication as it makes me drowsy and I can't rely on DH to be sober enough to get up in the night if the kids need it. If I had warning, I could plan, but he just buggers off to the pub, asking if he can nip out for a quick pint, then always, without fail, finds a friend who has just split up with wife/old man with nobody to celebrate birthday/gang of scary chavs who force him to join thier quiz team and scare him into drinking ten pints/an article about divorce in the paper with reminds him of his ex wife from five years ago so he can't cope with coming home/a barmaid who is being harassed and needs his help/etc...

He goes weeks without doing it, then does it three times in one week, and when I ask him not to do it, he acts like I'm not letting him leave the house , and that I am some kind of harridan for not relising that he needs to help the old man/barmaid/whoever.

Its like he always has an exceptional circumstance. Of course he works so anything I say is ridiculous - never mind that I work part time, and look after the kids, and actually if I was employed by someone else I would have a sick note atm.

It's just the lack of respect. It's like when teenagers lie to their parents and then laugh at how stupid the parents are for going along with it. I don't doubt that the old man/whoever exists, but if I found them, I would do what I could, but remember that my first responsibility is to my family. Plus DH is a massive drama queen so I am sure he exaggerates. Then he will only talk about it in front of other people and I don't like to argue in public, so I let it lie. Grr @ myself.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 12:17

a barmaid who is being harassed and needs his help/etc...

really ?

a sucker for damsels in distress, is he ?

grr@you too

you are being a doormat

Original poster

aliceinlalaland · 12/02/2011 12:23

Butterpieify - it's so frustrating isn't it. Also, DH always forgets how often it happens. He just won't believe me when I remind him that he did the same thing 3 weeks ago.

Anyway, the update is that DH got back at around 11.30, which as he points out, isn't that late. I talked to him about it this morning but he just doesn't get why I would have a problem with it. I told him that I just think it's incredibly thoughtless to not bother telling me he's going out and then just keep moving the boundaries: just going for a quick drink then, back by 9, then back by bedtime, then 'oh well I didn't stay out late I was back in by 11.30 all the other people I was with were...'.

His response to me finding it rude that he doesn't give me any warning is "why because you need entertaining?" He truly doesn't see it as a problem. And I just find when I start having these conversations my resolve just weakens because he sounds so reasonable about it and makes me feel like I'm being a miserable nag.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 12:27

yep, he's done a good number on you

are you going out this evening then, at the last minute ?

then phone at 11pm to say you are going on to a club and "don't wait up" ?

Original poster

aliceinlalaland · 12/02/2011 12:37

well no because (a) we've got a babysitter booked and we're meant to be going together to a gig (b) I don't know who I'd go out with at this notice (c) it feels a bit childish.

Thing is I find just thinking about it really gets me down and I don't know why, it's like another poster said I should just either do the same thing back to him or accept it and get on with my life but the fact that he can't see my point of view really depresses me, partly because it makes me wonder if i'm overreacting (which was the point of posting here).

BTW to FabbyChic I did tell him that I was disappointed about the weekend and that I'd prefer it if he came home. I didn't 'insist' that he came home or give him 'permission' to stay out because I'm not his mum and I feel he ought to take responsibility for his own actions rather than always having me as a get-out clause

OP posts:

prettymuchapixiegirl · 12/02/2011 12:59

I used to feel like the default setting for childcare in our house, and in the end I got so fed up with it that I started playing DH at his own game, and things have improved a lot now.

DH was doing his hobbies often all day Saturday most Saturdays, sometimes part of Sunday too, a couple of evenings most weeks, and then nights out too, sometimes staying away in a hotel if it was a night out in a town a distance away.

Eventually I said to him that it was unfair and if he continued doing what he liked, when he liked, then I would do the same and just assume that he would be on hand to care for the children whenever I fancied going out. So now I go out a couple of nights per week to the gym, or sometimes to the cinema with friends, and at weekends I do as I please at the drop of a hat. For example a friend phoned me up today and asked if I want to go out for something to eat tonight and I didn't hesitate in saying "yes". I will make sure I go out early enough to ensure DH has to make tea for the kids and bath them. Sometimes as weekends I just go and sit upstairs on my bed and read a book, leaving DH to sort the children out. So in other words, I act like a man!

I have to say, he is getting more considerate about me and is now starting to ask if I have plans before he arranges anything, and he also has reduced drastically the amount of time he spends on his hobbies.

Original poster

aliceinlalaland · 12/02/2011 14:14

pixie - that's really inspiring, seriously. I actually think I will give it a go, even if it's just going upstairs and reading of a weekend or something.

OP posts:

RedHeels · 12/02/2011 14:53

OK, he prefers to spend his free time with other people than you.

He knows it and is letting you know about it: "why because you need entertaining?"

What a cheek? And somehow you don't sound offended by this sentence?

Sorry, OP but you must like it. Or you know what would happen if you told him to stuff it and you don't want to be alone.

RedHeels · 12/02/2011 14:54

And by saying it'd be childish going out last minute and leaving him to it with no warning you are admitting that his behaviour is childish. So why you even need to ask if YABU?
So OK for him to behave like this but not for you? Why? Is he special?

Honeybee79 · 12/02/2011 15:01

Yeah, he's taking the piss. You need to make it clear that you're not going to take it though.

Life changes when you have kids and he needs to accept that. Have a serious chat with him.

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