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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and the pub... yawn

68 replies

aliceinlalaland · 11/02/2011 21:26

I possibly ABU but I feel really fed up and want to have a moan really.

DH calls me at work today to say he's flat out at work, lots of new work has come in and he's got to work all tomorrow. Fair enough, he has a very busy job, has to work long hours and while it's not ideal I understand. But, it is a bit of a bugger - we had various things planned with the DCs tomorrow and it'll be a lot more work with one pair of (adult) hands. DC are just 3 and almost 1.

Then early evening I'm back home giving kids their dinner, call DH to see what time he'll be back i.e. should I wait for him or eat with the kids. He says he's going out to a leaving do at work. I'm a bit annoyed because (a) he hasn't mentioned it before (and despite him saying he's worked with this guy for a long time he has never mentioned the man's name to me before so I can't believe they're that close) (b) he's already going to be missing half the weekend with the DC and he hardly sees them during the week (half hour in the morning generally) (c) I spend quite a lot of evenings on my own at home as it is and really look forward to sort of celebrating the start of the weekend with him. Anyway I was bit grumpy about it but he says he will be back by 9 etc.

Then, inevitably, he texts later to say 'can he stay out a bit longer?', this is followed up by a call. So, I made it clear that I think it's a bit rubbish (and why) but that I'm not his mum and he can decide for himself whether or not to stay out. But I find it so irritating. He will I guarantee come back really late and then be hungover tomorrow, which seems daft to me when he's telling me how incredibly snowed under he is at work.

Plus it just annoys me that I"m the default setting for childcare. Because he knows I'll be back here to look after the DC in the evenings (and I don't begrudge that, I love putting them to bed etc) he doesn't bother to tell me when he's going out until minutes before. As you've probably gathered, this has happened before

Grrrrr. Go on then, AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

aliceinlalaland · 11/02/2011 22:08

Mumcentreplus - thank you, that's v sensible advice.

And thanks Any Fucker and you other ladies of mumsnet - I'm actually going to go and have a bath and mull it all over

OP posts:

LovelyJudy · 11/02/2011 22:09

blimey. you see, my dh does what you describe, and i've never thought it was unreasonable. it pisses me off, but i don't think he's in the least bit unusual. maybe that's not the point...

anyway, he will text me at least once a week and say 'i'm going for a pint' and about once a fortnight it will turn into a late one. i hate those ones. and the result is usually a hangover and deriliction of duty.

on the upside, i go out on planned dates with my friends far more often than he does, and get/take lots of daytime leisure at the weekends to do my own stuff.

so i feel that we get our own way equally, but in different ways. i don't know if he thinks i'm taking the piss. hope not.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 22:09

it sounds like you give rather a lot of thought to his side of things

as does he < shrugs >

because he brings in more money, he gets to call the shots ?

is that what you are saying ?

pooka · 11/02/2011 22:09

But you're kind of saying there that his paying job entitles him to more freedom in choosing to go out when he fancies. And that your equally important (in enabling him to work long hours and bring in a wage) job is not as significant, and that you don't deserve to go out when you fancy.

I would be pissed off personally. Agree with Anyfucker that evenings on your own as sole adult in charge are not true leisure time.

manicbmc · 11/02/2011 22:09

I'd wait til he's sober before I said anything.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 22:10

oh yes, agree

don't say anything tonight

total waste of time, that

Mumcentreplus · 11/02/2011 22:12

I don't get rat-arsed but I have left to have a couple straight after work without agreeing it first and it was unfair...

BluddyMoFo · 11/02/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 22:17

Bluddy...do you think I am a control freak because I demand respect in my relationship ?

Original poster

aliceinlalaland · 11/02/2011 22:17

Judy - see, that's what I mean, a lot of people do just think it's normal if not completely reasonable. Having said that, I don't generally get much of the daytime leisure time of a weekend either.

Pooka - I've never fully realised it but I guess I do, on some level, think that's true. Which is of course daft, if someone else were to say that to me about their own relationship I'd say exactly what you're saying but we don't always act rationally I suppose.

good point on the waiting til sober though. I actually don't feel angry this time, just a bit depressed by it really - so will leave it til tomorrow.

OP posts:

manicbmc · 11/02/2011 22:23

Better to deal with it now while it's making you a bit down than leave it til it's making you seethe and resent him.

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 22:24

My DP is due back in 7 minutes Im not optimistic.

Original poster

aliceinlalaland · 11/02/2011 22:24

Bluddy - actually, he says he would be fine with it but in reality the situation would never arise as I've said because I'm the one who is at home the majority of the time. And if it did arise I don't think he would be fine with it. And I've also said that I would like to go out for a drink after work but, again, the opportunity just isn't there because of the hours DH works - I'm the only one who can, realistically, get back for the kids.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 11/02/2011 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

aliceinlalaland · 11/02/2011 22:30

Thanks BMoFo.

I really am off to have that bath now.

Changing - hope your DH turned up bang on time.

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 11/02/2011 22:46

Either put up with it, or tell him that you won't put up with it.

Personally, I would say something. Not stop him from going out, but arrange to go out myself.

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 22:47

Erm no he is not here :) I knew it. Oh well bed and chocolate for me.

spidookly · 11/02/2011 22:55

YABU

Having a job doesn't mean you "deserve" to get drunk whenever you feel like it.

What a weird idea.

notremotelyintofootie · 11/02/2011 23:05

Out of interest....

Where the dh is taking the piss and the dw has called them on it to get the old'i know I'm crap, I'll try harder etc etc' but then reverts to being a selfish twine again.... What can you do then except leave them? It's not like you can ground them like a kid....

Really interested as this is my problem.....

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:09

You won't want to hear my advice in that situation, NRIF

notremotelyintofootie · 11/02/2011 23:14

I would anyfucker honest! I am at the end of the line here with 'd'h and I think he senses it but I need to build up an escape fund and so anything I can do to try and get him to behave like a grown up rather than a 15 year old would help!

notremotelyintofootie · 11/02/2011 23:15

Of course if I could win the lottery and but two houses beside each other and pop him in one so he's close for dd but 'independent' that would be ideal....

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:20

oh, are you the "house next door" poster ?

I can only tell you what I would do

if I was being constantly undermined and made to feel my wishes were not being respected he would be gone

I would give up trying to "make" him behave like anything...that isn't your responsibility

If he wants to behave like a 15yo then he can't sustain a grown-up relationship

borrow some money from family...and make the "escape fund" more of an "I am out of here right now" pot of money

Mumcentreplus · 11/02/2011 23:22

Well I went through this situation with my DH he was a Night-club Security manager..he would sleep all day and be out all night and then he would have the gall to go for more drinks with friends after work...(work finished at 5am) so he's rolling in at 10am...I was really in despair at times...you don't want to keep going on but FFS...they are taking the piss and they know it!...if you put up with it ..then it will become your life...I sat him down, on a day off and I talked to him..I told him how I felt..how he was acting..that he was not single and I was his wife that I was home with 2 children under 5 and he was playing jack the lad..yes I understand his need to relax and be with friends..but imgine what it was like for me..bluddy hell this is long...be honest to a fault,don't hold back and if he really cares for you he will see he's hurting you and things will change..if not you have to walk for your own sanity

notremotelyintofootie · 11/02/2011 23:30

No I wasn't the house next door poster but it struck a cord with me......

Unfortunately no money in the family.... My mum is so tight she made me buy my own clothes etc from when I got a paper round at 13! 

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