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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how some people do it all?

75 replies

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 20:59

I am worn out!!!
How do some people raise a family and work full time, and how on earth do single parents do it???

(I was raised by a single parent who was a SAHM however we lived with my gran and it was all a bit dysfunctional)

DH1 and I are separated and I have a new partner, so far this week has consisted of

Taking me mother shopping (she is disabled in a wheelchair and I do this every Monday)
I run my own home and DH1s home (he works full time) so housework is doubled.
Wednesday I had DS2 dentist in the morning then he had a school netball match in the afternoon that I went to before getting DS1 to the optician then on Thursday having to get DS1 to the dentist missing DS2s football match add to this working two days a week.

I am planning to go back to work full time when DS2 moves to high school in September (if I can find a job).

How on earth do people do it?

I am full of admiration for the people that do.

OP posts:

MillyR · 11/02/2011 22:13

I think the point is that you are looking to work full time when the kids are both in Secondary school. You are not looking to work full time at this very moment.

So when they are both in secondary school, it is very normal for children to get themselves to and from school on public transport.

Out of school activities depends on where they are. If they can easily be reached by public transport, then secondary school children can take themselves. Also (although just my experience), secondary school children tend to drop some out of school activities because there are activities available at lunchtime and they have so much more homework than primary, so tend to focus on a smaller number of activities that they are committed to.

I'm not sure about the appointments. We don't have that many - opticians and dentists is once every six months. We did have a couple of months of constant dentist appointments at the hospital, which was 2 train journeys and a bus journey away. That kind of thing is a nightmare, but I think you will just have to pass more responsibility on to your ex when you work full time.

I do think your concern with you ex is a bit unusual. I also think the 14 year old at least should be washing their own bedding and remembering their own belongings!

Original poster

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 22:14

I have only worked part time since having the boys and I guess the thought of full time work is really scary.

I know I would get in to a new routine, it is just this week and next week alone there are 3 dentist appointments, 1 orthodontist and 1 eye check. Netball match, football cup match, cubs, youth club

OP posts:

Violethill · 11/02/2011 22:15

I have always booked the latest appointment possible, which means I just have to leave work earlier rather than take loads of time off.

Or, as I say, book as many appointments as possible during your annual leave. However, when you have clinics at fixed times, it can be a problem. My dd needs hospital appointments and her consultants clinic is always during the working day - so I take time off, as any parent is entitled to. I certainly wouldn't be prepared to just not work, simply for the relatively rare occasions that my children need appointments!

Hatesponge · 11/02/2011 22:15

Honestly how many appointments can children have?! unless they have a serious ongoing medical/health condition, there can't be more than 1 a month surely - if that?

As parents, you split the appointments between you. Arrange what you can for early morning/late afternoon, so you only have to take an hour off and make it up, or worst case a half day. Most people get 20 or so days holiday a year. It's easily enough.

Original poster

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 22:18

Once DS2 goes to high school he will go and come home with DS1, any after school clubs DH1 will be able to pick up from.

I can go to my mums at the weekend or get her shopping delivered.

I have got to pass my driving test as that would make things easier TBH

DS1 is going through that teenage soap dodger thing at the moment and would not notice if he had the same bedding for a year he is also AS with tourettes so makes for intresting

OP posts:

Violethill · 11/02/2011 22:19

I also think the phrase "doing it all" isn't helpful.

It implies that full time working is some kind of huge deal and we're all superwomen or supermen for doing it. Which I don't believe is the case at all - I think its a normal fact of life. I imagine our children are all of a generation where they will need, and expect, to work as adults, and their working life is likely to span a lot more years too, with retirement age increasing. I don't want my children to grow up thinking it's something scary or unmanageable!

Original poster

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 22:22

Maybe do it all was not the right way to phrase it. How some people fit it all in maybe .

I have a lovely friend who works full time and she is always stressed about the amount of time she has off from work if he children are sick (her son has autism) her work are not very good about it at all

OP posts:

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 11/02/2011 22:24

Violethill - sorry I'm a bit slow tonight - do you not have a DH

If so it's a bit different to "doing it all" with a DH from "doing it all" without one IMO.

OP - are you sure you are only spending 2 hours on his housework. I'm not stalking you (honest .........well ok just a little - but only on MN ). But last summer you described a morning of housework at his house.......which was somewhat more than just changing sheets and washing clothes.

Yet now you only wash sheets and clothes and he doesn't live in a cesspit - or he would if you didn't spend the 2 hours

MillyR · 11/02/2011 22:28

I do find getting stuff done difficult. But I get the impression from your posts that you have some strong emotional reasons for running around after all of these boys and men. I don't think you should be doing anything in your ex's house and I do think the boys should be doing some of the housework in both houses, including the bedding. It is case of telling them they have to do it, not waiting for them to notice it needs to be done.

The appointments thing is an odd one. All of my children's appointments are late afternoon. I can see at a hospital you have to put up with that is offered, but opticians and dentists usually schedule appointments after school.

Original poster

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 22:29

I admit last year I was doing a lot more but we had a chat and he has pulled his socks up I really do not do that much now, and I like to visit my cats he has custody of the cats (DP allergic).

OP posts:

Catnao · 11/02/2011 22:32

How often are your kids going to appointments?? I work full time - I certainly couldn't do anyone e;se's house work, I can barely keep on top of mine (in fact, I can't and have just given in and empolyed a cleaner to my shame).

I think it's just a case of getting used to a diferent way of doing things than you are used to tbh, OP.

It's nice that you and your ex husband get on so well, though.

Original poster

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 22:32

DS1 goes to a special dental center due to the tourettes, hard to drill a tooth of someone ticking, and appointments are few and far between, same with the orthodontist.

Eye tests we try to get after school/weekends.

Add to this my appointments with the diabetic nurse only on a Wednesday morning....

OP posts:

Catnao · 11/02/2011 22:34

Sorry missed AS with tourettes, maybe he has lots mor appointments than I was imagining?

Catnao · 11/02/2011 22:34

X posts!

Original poster

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 22:36

Well it make for interesting add to that my mother in her wheelchair with a leg missing and family days out are a blast

OP posts:

Catnao · 11/02/2011 22:38

Do you need to work though, if everything is alright as it is?

Original poster

RunAwayWife · 11/02/2011 22:39

Did I mention we are broke

OP posts:

Catnao · 11/02/2011 22:44

Ah! Well this is why I went back to work quickly (although I'm lucky as I really like my job!)

Maybe you could do something part time or from home? I know it's really hard to find jobs at the moment though.

A lady i know does those parties - I think it's make up - and says she does quite well from it, and it's fun, but is almost exclusively evenings so might be tricky unless maybe ex husband could have kids a few more eves?

RandyRussian · 11/02/2011 22:46

^Taking me mother shopping (she is disabled in a wheelchair and I do this every Monday)
I run my own home and DH1s home (he works full time) so housework is doubled.
Wednesday I had DS2 dentist in the morning then he had a school netball match in the afternoon that I went to before getting DS1 to the optician then on Thursday having to get DS1 to the dentist missing DS2s football match add to this working two days a week^

What do you do with all the time on tuesdays and fridays? Sounds like you have far too much free time

LovelyJudy · 11/02/2011 22:51

i've just gone back to work 4 days a week, spread over 5. so 2 days i have after-school childcare and those days would be a write off for any family matters, but on 3 days i get to pick them up myself. i have yet to deal with the appointments scenario, but i imagine i'd either do it then, after school on those days, or i'd have to take some time off, or my dh would do it (but to be frank, he earns nearly 3 times as much as me, so his job is the one to kiss-ass to). there's usually some juggling that can be done i find...it had better work out anyway, because i'm committed to it now!

LovelyJudy · 11/02/2011 22:53

oh and crucially what i meant to say was - it was a full time job that i applied for, but i persuaded them that i could do enough in 4 days. And its not the sort of work that you can do outside the office, so i'm not being taken advantage of.

candlebythewindow · 11/02/2011 23:41

my house is in a state of permanent messiness, lots of pasta and quick-to-cook food, lots of help from my family.

but i love my DS and i love my job, despite the stress! :)

coccyx · 12/02/2011 08:36

Prioritise.
Get partner to look after his own place.
Buy in help
Get children to help

Baileysismyfriend · 12/02/2011 08:47

How often do they have dentist and Drs appointments?

I think its part of having children to be ferrying them around to things when they are younger, its just life as fas as Im concerned and listing everything you have to do doesn't help, if I do that it makes my head hurt!

ScroobiousPip · 12/02/2011 08:56

Your DS2 will be 11 next year and presumably at high school? Most 11yos sort their own lives out. If they need a lift, let them share with others or rope their dad in to help. But they need to take the initiative with their dad, not you.

Dentists appointments, fair enough. But once you are working, your DH1 will have to share with you.

You're not doing your future DILs any favours by running round after them, changing their bedding, collecting their stuff from your DH1's house - encourage them to fend for themselves a bit.

Seriously, you need to let them run their own lives where ever possible and stop making excuses for why they need your help - or risk becoming the DM/MIL who can't let go. It'll do you all good.

And use the spare time to get some driving lessons, brush up your CV, and look for a job.

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