To wonder how some people do it all?

[RunAwayWife]

I am worn out!!!
How do some people raise a family and work full time, and how on earth do single parents do it???

(I was raised by a single parent who was a SAHM however we lived with my gran and it was all a bit dysfunctional)

DH1 and I are separated and I have a new partner, so far this week has consisted of

Taking me mother shopping (she is disabled in a wheelchair and I do this every Monday)
I run my own home and DH1s home (he works full time) so housework is doubled.
Wednesday I had DS2 dentist in the morning then he had a school netball match in the afternoon that I went to before getting DS1 to the optician then on Thursday having to get DS1 to the dentist missing DS2s football match add to this working two days a week.

I am planning to go back to work full time when DS2 moves to high school in September (if I can find a job).

How on earth do people do it?

I am full of admiration for the people that do.

too

DH1 does loads with the children, he is a leader in DS2s cub pack, he takes them swimming and to the cinema every weekend, Picks DS2 up from school twice a week, he cooks for them when they are at his, but as I am the stay at home parent I do all the appointments with them, I would not expect him to try.

Once a week he picks me, mum and the shopping up and once a week I spend 2 hours sorting out the beds and the kids clothes not really being a skivvy is it.

DP works from home and cooks dinner a couple of times a week and picks me and the shopping up when I do our weekly shop, I do everything else, housework, garden, car washing, decorating. I do 50 times more in my house then I ever do for DH1.

Should also point out we live 10 mins away from each other, so not as if I go out of my way really.

"he is a leader in the DS2s cub pack"

that's not helping you out - I presume he's been doing it a while - and would continue to do it even if DS2 wasn't in cub.

"he cooks for them when they are at his"

of COURSE he does - that's what they're supposed to do!!!

2 hours sorting out the beds and the kids clothes?????? Yes it is being a skvvy if it's stuff in his house that he should be doing!!!

Sounds like you need to get your DP to do a little more as well.....

I have worked full time since our youngest started school at 4. I think a number of factors are the key:

Being organised. I don't mean micro managing every aspect of life (and in fact i wouldn't say I'm as organised as many of my friends) but you do need broad systems and structure.

Sharing all tasks, by which I mean all aspects of parenting/running a home

I think it helps if you have always worked, ie I worked part time right the way through, from when each child was a baby. Therefore the step up to full time seemed a natural progression, and I wasn't ever out of the work place. IME, women who perhaps give up work for years, and then go back very part time, struggle to understand how other women can work full time.

Final reason is kind of related to the last point. I think generally, the more you do, the more you find you can do. I am a teacher, and I notice this with the kids at school - often the really good academic achievers are also the ones in the hockey team, the orchestra and probably fitting in a saturday job too. I think things can often take on their own momentum - if you are busy, you somehow create capacity in your life to do more.

Of course, its no picnic, and life can be very challenging at times, but overall I think us women often have more capability than we give ourselves credit for

I split from xh when ds was 4 and I worked full time, ds was in nursery (cost more than my rent!) but I would be up at half six, out the door by half seven, drop ds to nursery, go onto work, run errands in my lunch break, leave work, get ds and home for tea etc and ds in be by 7, then I would do the housework, paper work etc... And myself bed between 11 & 12 to start again the next day... Used annual leave for appointments etc! Then when I got made redundant when ds was 5/6 I went back to uni full time and had 2 part time jobs but I worked around his school day and studied when he was in bed!

You cope, you get things done and become more efficient!

I think people find the relationship between DH1 and I odd, as if we are meant to be trying to kill each other or hate each other.

We were together 25 years, we have 2 children, and although I left and have a new DP, we are still a family. We take the kids out every Saturday, the boys go between houses, he and DP get on well (went out last weekend to another friends for a poker game)
It is not the 2 hours I spend at DH1s house or the time at my mums, it is all the appointments, I wondered how full time workers do it, especially those doing it alone.

Just dont understand the logic here,why is
ex-husband not running children to docs,
dentist and going to football matches etc,
he is as responsible as OP,set some time aside for yourself and relax,you will find out that the world will not stop,and for goodness sake tell him to get his own cleaner

why do you call him dh1, not exh?

perhaps you still havethe hots for him?

NO I don't find doing things together (or with your DP/DH doing things together) odd - I find you doing ANY housework for him at all odd. And the running things backwards and forwards.

How often are the DS's are his house? How old are they?

Yes, definitely agree with that last point about being efficient. You just learn to organise your life in a different way. Dentist and other appointments can be slotted into late afternoon times if you're organised and plan ahead. And you can dash around in your lunchtime doing bits and pieces which you might well take all day over if you were home all day. DH and I whip around and do housework one evening during the week. If I were home all day, I'd probably spread that over a couple of days - and then I'd probably believe I needed a couple of days a week to do it, whereas in fact, its possible to do a perfectly reasonable job without that

LOL no I don't still have the hots for DH1.
Also I do not call him EX as A we are not divorced and B I feel it devalues a person, he is the father of my children (it is a personal thing, as I say I feel the term Ex make something sound worthless)

The boys are there as 2 nights a week (sleeping) and Wednesdays for dinner (and when ever else they want to be there) or DH1 is here, so he sees the boys every day.

As I have said the plan was always DH1 works and I stay at home till DS2 starts high school, Boys are 14 and 10. DH1 has taken a lot of time off of work to take the kids to Dentist, Chams, Hospital appointments and so on when I have needed to go by car.

The issue is not the fact that I help DH1 out, as I said he helps me out, it is the endless stream of Dr/Dentist/after school clubs, it is always moving from one thing to the next.

Thing is - this isn't the first time you've said that you "run two houses" is it? And last time you said you did more than just wash a couple of clothes and sheets.

I bet your exH rubs his hands with glee at how he's still got you running round for him.

If they are 10 and 14, can't they get themselves to their out of school activities?

I'm strugglin to see where he is helping you out????? Aside from the lift with you mum

At 14 and 10 I would be making the DS's responsible for bringing things back and forth if it's urgent (if you really don't want to buy spares). DS1 is 10 and he knows that if he leaves it at dads "tough"

And also getting them to help with housework. Either of them could throw the sheets and their clothes in the washing machine while they're at his if he really can't manage it himself. Then he'd only have to dry it. And they can help out at home as well.

Are you sure it's not a case of you needing to feel needed, IYSWIM, rather than your ex and your kids needing you ferrying them around, and micro managing their lives?

I agree with MillyR - a 10 and 14 yr old should be pretty independent, and as for still doing the housework for your ex.......

DH1 has never ask me to do any thing to help out, I just feel that as he works full time and I do not I can help out.

If I was working full time then I would not.
Also he was raised by a mother that went to work and did nothing else, even when she retired she sat on her bum watching re runs of dallas as the house became a cesspit.

I did use to do more, I had more time, but now I just sort out the kids stuff,
I think everyone is missing the point, the house work is not the problem it is running from Dentist to optician (DH1 did take us to that) to after school clubs, to orthodontist (and trying to get appointments that are not at stupid times,) example orthodontist at the hospital is only on Fridays and always always runs late.

", I just feel that as he works full time and I do not I can help out."

"Also he was raised by a mother that went to work and did nothing else, even when she retired she sat on her bum watching re runs of dallas as the house became a cesspit."

You seen I can't get my head round this at all. You are no longer with him, you have a new DP, he is a grown man. LET HIM DO HIS OWN HOUSEWORK. And if he doesn't - well he'll live in a cesspit - it's no longer your problem!!

Afterschool clubs - DS's can take themselves (or go with friends?)

I bet that time running around after your exH takes up more time than you'd imagine.

I am not in the habit of letting a 10 year old get himself to and from school/ after school clubs, I don't think it is micro managing anyone.

The 14 year old gets to and from stuff.

I work 4 days a week and wouldn't have time to look after someone else's house, so just wouldn't do it.

Appts are after school, in the holidays or taken as leave.

I do not want my children living in a cesspit

As far as optician/hospital/dental appointments go... you do your damndest to make them when you have your annual leave, but if necessary, you take time out of the working day. And I speak as a parent of 3, one of whom needs regular medical appointments, and 2 of whom have had extensive orthodontic treatment. (As well as the usual eyechecks/dentist etc)

I have never really understood the argument that parents can't work full time because the children will sometimes need appointments (or sometimes get ill). Unless you are talking about a really rare situation where a child needs hospitalisation on a weekly basis or something - though even then, it needn't be a total bar to working. I teach two pupils who need regular time off (half a day per week) for medical treatment for permanent conditions, and their parents all work.

TBH I think you'll find that once you return to full time work, you'll simply organise your life differently, and will still fit everything in, just differently

well at 10 and 14 they're old enough to decide that for themselves . (ie either they'll put up with it, they'll want to stop going, or they'll get stuck in and sort it out while they're there).

Although if you stopped wasting 2 hours (don't you realise how precious 2 hours is ) where all you are doing his washing and changing the sheets them it doesn't sound like it would be a cesspit they'd be living in

But how on earth do you get appointments for after work??

DS1 has had to miss so much school to go to the orthodontist as the only ones we get are in the middle of the morning on a Friday despite me trying to get them changed.

Thankfully DS2s dentist is about a 3 minuet walk from the school.

Violethill - sadly many LP's do find that working full time is difficult with children as not all employers are so kind about time off for illness/sickness.........especially if it happens during the first 3 months probation period where basically anything goes as a reason for not keeping them on.......

Thankfully many don't - but I do know of LP's that have had this issue.