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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ever done a friendship laundry??

33 replies

WentworthMillerMad · 11/02/2011 16:28

I am in my mid forties with 4 young children. I suddenly realised that I spend lots of my precious free time with "friends" that are born out of convenience (kids same age, live in same street etc) than with my "real friends", women I actually adore / similar opinions. Anyone ever fallen into the pattern? Anyone ever had the nerve to "de-friend" people!!!

OP posts:
PaisleyLeaf · 11/02/2011 16:30

Not consciously. But have naturally moved on from/drifted away from some friends over time as circumstances have changed.

fufflebum · 11/02/2011 16:32

I always think that the saying some friends are for a reason, some a season and some a life time. Think over your friends and see which category they fall in to.

Sometimes though you can be suprised by your friendships as when you have a crisis (eg redundancy, child in hospital etc) you really see who cuts the mustard in the friendship stakes!!!

Oblomov · 11/02/2011 16:33

I don't understand why you would need to do this. Once you have the realisation, drop the convenience friends and make more appointments to see the real freinds.
No announcemment needs to be made. Just do it. And when convenience friends ask if you are free, you can truthfully say, no becasue I'm seeing Sally and Jane.
I must be misunderstanding your problem Hmm

Ooopsadaisy · 11/02/2011 16:33

The best way is to move house.

You "lose" people very naturally that way.

The real friends are the ones who send welcome to new home cards and arrive with casseroles on moving day.

I have "lost" some real time-wasting hangers-on who obviously weren't real friends after all. Ex-neighbour used to take advantage of my good nature over all sorts of things and cried when I told her we were moving. "I'm going to miss you so much, what will I do without you?"

She was so upset that I haven't heard from her since.

weedle · 11/02/2011 16:35

I nearly got lynched today for saying this sentence:

"I barely have time to see my real friends, I don't want to go for lunch with her"

Life is to short and my time is too precious for obligation 'friends'.

I might just be a cowbag though...

coldtits · 11/02/2011 16:37

no.

And I won't.

I will happily allow people to drift out of my life without moaning, and I will gently drift from people who are really pissing me off, but i don't cut people out just because they aren't my bestest bestest friends.

The two people who i considered to be my bestest bestest friends are largely unavailable, and very very musy, but one in particular has once offered to empty her not inconsiderable savings account to pay up my rent for a year whlie I was living with dozy ex. (I didn't take her up on it)

Other people have bent over backwards to help me, as I have them. Swings and roundabouts, and the most unlikely people can be absolute bricks in a tight spot.

GloriaSmut · 11/02/2011 16:37

I'm a bit comme ci, comme ça about this.

Because I've been in the situation you describe but found that as life moves on, this sort of "convenience friend" (for wont of a better description) tend to melt away without the need for drastic defriending measures. You just discover you haven't got anything at all in common and, er, that's it.

Mollymax · 11/02/2011 16:40

I do agree with fufflebum.
Good friends do not worry that you can not spend much time with them, but are still there.
Friends go in phases too, but i have never purposfully defriended anyone, i had it done to me once, but it just goes to show she was not a true friend.

Original poster
WentworthMillerMad · 11/02/2011 16:42

Thanks for advice - i think my problem is we have a communal garden (common in my east coast city) and see so much of these people.......not always by choice but also feeling as though you have to go along to 'guitar nights in the garden' etc to "be part of the comminuty"
Weedle I could not agree more!!!!

OP posts:
carabos · 11/02/2011 16:51

I'm thinking about de-friending someone this very minute having realised that we don't want the same things or dream the same dreams.

weedle · 11/02/2011 16:52

Ahh the communal garden and guitar nights in the garden, sounds very studenty! Do they point their speakers out the windows too Grin

I'd be inclined to go with the 'make alternative plans with the ones that you miss' strategy. Seeing less of them will probably mean you feel less inclined to 'defriend' them.

TheProvincialLady · 11/02/2011 16:53

You need to move. I'm not sure which I would hate more - going to a guitars in the garden evening, or listen to other people having a guitars/garden eveningGrin

This is a bit of a non problem isn't it. Make more of an effort to see your good friends and choose which other events you want to go to. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into things you don't want to do. No need to upset anyone by de-friending them. Surely that would only be reserved for people who have done something really nasty?

NoHunIntended · 11/02/2011 16:59

carabos, is it Belinda Carlisle? :o

plasticface · 11/02/2011 17:05

I think you a lucky to have friends where you live, it has taken me ages and I'm glad of people to talk to whether we have loads in common or not.

Oblomov · 11/02/2011 17:06

Belinda Carlisle. LOL !!
Provincial has agreed with my earler post.
This is a non starter and yuo do not need to do anyhting so dramatic, to sort this.

Diagree with needing to move. We have a fab communal garden ( although ours is huge, and everyones back garden backs onto it). No guitars though, thank god.

TheProvincialLady · 11/02/2011 17:07

It's either move or get a pressure hose in this case though, isn't it?

Honeybee79 · 11/02/2011 17:09

I'm quite relaxed about it. I fully realise that many of my friends are only my friends because we both have kids/live locally/work together and that we'll probably drift apart. Others are with me for life. Quite happy to drift along like this though I do tend to prioritise my long term, best mates, over others.

Nice to have different "levels" of friendship.

OffToNarnia · 11/02/2011 17:13

I have been defriended before and found it incredibly hurtful. Natural drifting as other have said seems preferable. Also, you then have not burnt your boats with people who might welcomely drift back in in the future. I can see having a communal garden may not make life easy if you want to see less of someone though. However, imagine the tension and hurt if you 'formally' defriend them.

merryberry · 11/02/2011 17:19

not if it requires ironing at any stage

lovemysleep · 11/02/2011 17:32

Know what you mean!

Have a neighbour who became a friend, but she is what is known as a "toxic" person - really can bring you down, as she is very, very negative and seems to thrive on being one of lifes victims.

It's difficult to avoid her as our children are at the same school too, and as I am essentially a nice person (I hope), I could never be outright rude or unpleasant, and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

It gets difficult for us when we have things like barbecues, as I would love to invite another friend that I have me through school, but then I worry about how the "toxic" one would react if she wasn't invited. Her DH is a bit of a knob too, and socially, they can both say things that can make me cringe.

I am really quite a tolerant person - I have a mixture of different friends and people with different tastes, and I love to have that mix.

I get annoyed with her as she can be rude to people too. She has done that nudge/comment thing that some mums love doing in the playground too, and I hate any playground nastiness. She holds grudges and is very judgemental. In fairness to her, she has had a catalogue of awful things happen to her, but I still don't think that this excuses all of her behaviour.

God, I obviously needed to get this off my chest! I did try to talk her into moving abroad out of desperation....GrinGrin

Think I'm just going to have to grin and bear it, until she steps over the line in way I cannot ignore. She's already fallen out with a former friend on the street - wasn't her fault of course, as it never it Hmm

minipie · 11/02/2011 17:36

Hmmm. Interesting question.

In the past, I have not bothered to keep up with (i.e. naturally drifted away from) people who I regarded as less close/less similar to me than my "best" friends.

Years later, I found that some of my then "best" friends have moved far away and aren't great at keeping in touch, or have taken a different direction and we are just not so similar any more. I now wish I'd made more effort with the people who lived close or worked with me.

Ultimately I think there is room for both types of friends - and don't forget that who you feel closest/most similar to can change over time.

pilates · 11/02/2011 17:56

My daughter's ex-best friend's mother was a right pain in the arse (very moody and rude). Quite pleased when my daughter's friendship with her daughter fizzled out as it meant I didn't have to spend time with the mother! Her personality rubbed off on to me and made me feel quite down at times.

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 17:58

I have friendship laundry in progress at the moment. I started off with a cool rinse but they havent got the message so I am now on a boil cycle in hopes of getting rid of the boring fuckers.

lovemysleep · 11/02/2011 18:06

Changing PPPPPPPHHHhhhhhhhhnnnnarrrrrrr! Have just almost wet myself laughing.....may have to put mine on the Intensive Steam aswell

princessparty · 11/02/2011 18:10

Friendship laundry!!!
You sound a bit up yourself TBH

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