Tricky situation.

[Iliad]

I hope this is a good place to put this as I need to get something off my chest and maybe some unbiased opinions.

I have a situation that is really driving me nutts at the minute and I have no one neutral to talk about it with. So I have no idea if I am being unreasonable or not.

Erm... where to start?

Ok, I have been with my wife for 10 years now and married for 3. 6 years ago she became very ill and now has a form of MS that has made her bed bound, after which I became her main carer. We have a 3 year old son together who I have basically raised on my own since birth, with a little help from Grandma (my mother) some weekends, as my wife is unable to do anything. Once he was born my priorities shifted from being my wife's main carer to raising my son. So I'm basically a single father and a carer for my wife.

The problem being my wife now wants to move back down to Colchester to be with her mother, we live in Stockton on Tees.

I have a huge problem with this and really do not want to go down there because I will loose all of the support I have for my son at the minute and will end up being trapped in a situation I do not want to be in.

She says it will be fine as her mother will help look after our son. The fear I have here is that our son is her only grandchild and in 3 years she has come to see him once, twice if you count her coming up for our wedding. She hasn't really shown any interest in being a grandma in my opinion, more that she just likes the idea of being one.

So I fear I am going to be left with no support for my son and myself.

I feel that the best place for him is here where we are with the two people who have raised him so far, myself and my mother. He has also just started nursery which gives me a little break on a morning to pop into town for some shopping or just have a sit down for five minutes.

Another factor to add into the equasion is my wife was always told she could never have children so our son really came out of the blue.

In the last year or so my wife has become very hard to live with due to her condition and probably the medication she is on. I feel with a lot of the things she says she isn't living in the real world so it is exceptionally difficult to have a rational conversation with her.

One day during one of our sort of conversations the idea of seperation poped up, fine, if that's what she'd like then fair enough as I'm having a hard time of it at the moment. The problem being she either wants to take our son with her or joint custody. Taking him with her dosn't seem like a sensible option to me as she can't look after him, she sees him maybe 5 minutes in a day, I don't like him going in the bedroom because she smokes in there and she has equipment in there which isn't child friendly, mainly for a kiss goodnight. Or he would be brought up by her mother who afformentioned dosn't seem that interested. I don't think joint custody would be feasable because of the distance.

The only thing I can think of that would be best for our son would be for me to have full custody. I'd have no problem with them coming to see him whenever they like or taking him down there to see him on a reasonable regular basis.

I don't want her to have to go away from her child but that decission is up to her. I've said to her you have a choice of either staying here with your son or moving down to be with your mother as I have no interest in going down there and I'm just trying to think of what is best for our son.

For me personally the best thing would be if she moved.

All I want is what is best for my son and I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

It's a really difficult situation with no real easy answer and I really do not know what to do. I love my son so much and just want whats best.

So if anyone has any advice or ideas I would be really greatful.

Sorry if none of this makes sense and it's a bit mishmashed, there is probably lots I have missed out so feel free to ask any questions and I can fill in any blanks.

Take it easy and have fun.

I'm afraid I have no real advice, just wanted to bump your thread for you.

It sounds like an incredibly tough situation, and for what it's worth I think you are right to want to remain where you are with your support network around you.

I can also see that your wife maybe wants a support network of her own. Does she have relatives/friends nearby who visit?

This sounds quite complicated. There are two seperate issues here - where to live as a family and how to handle custody if you seperate.

But screaming out at me is that no-where in your post do you mention any love for your wife.

To be honest, I think you should sort out whether or not the two of you want to continue your marriage, before you start talking about where you live. If you decide to continue the marriage, then you need to have some serious discussion about where you live. It seems far more practical for you to stay where you are, but maybe your wife is feeling in need of emotional support, which maybe she feels she isn't getting at the moment? Hence her wish to move nearer her family.

If you decide to seperate, then you need to find a way to look at this coldly and clearly and consider the best interests of your child.

Could you get some outside help to talk these problems through? A counsellor or perhaps your wife has an allocated health professional to work with? It must be frustrating for you to find yourself in the situation, equally your wife must be finding things very hard to deal with. She might be feeling that you hold all the cards and she has no control?

very sad situation all round. I don't think she'd win custody in a court case if she can't physically look after him but for your son not to see his mum regularly if she moved to Colchester wouldn't be good for him either. Does your wife not want to make it work?

On the basis of what you've said (and I realise it's only one side of the story), I think you should apply for full custody.

Good luck, you sound like a good dad.

As Lawn as said, it sounds as if you are not really in love with her any more.

Is there a chance that the mother could move to be nearer to you if they both want to be close?

Is there any way that a different carer could be employed for your wife to give you respite?

Your son will be going to school in the next couple of years so things may also be different then.

I think that if you want to continue your relationship with your wife, you will need to do a lot of hard work.
You should check out local nurseries in the area she wants to move, find out how easy/difficult it would be for your mother to visit you, or vice versa, and most definitely find out why it is your wife wants to move closer to her mother.
If it's because you spend most of your time caring for your child, and less time caring for her, maybe she might consider another carer coming in, rather than uprooting everyone elsewhere.
It sounds from what you've said that she is being selfish, but I can only imagine what it's like for her being stuck in a room, not able to care for your own child, and not having much attention from yourself. It's obvious that that is nobody's fault, simply circumstances.
I think that you both should to write down your points of view, and reasons for wanting to move/stay, swap, and then maybe you could talk, properly. At least then even if you split, you'll both have been honest, and hopefully seen it from the other point of view.
I hope that whatever decision you both make, it is the best one for your son.

sounds really hard. i think if i were you i would apply for full custody for your son. goodluck

I think that you should not move. It would be very isolating for you and I think it could end in the break up of the family anyway.

I think your wife is thinking only of herself and not what is best for the unit. This may be because she is very unhappy and feels isolated, but to meet her needs at the expense of yours and your sons is good for 1, bad for 2 - not fair.

I think she would not get custody. If she wants to move, then help her to do that, but keep your son with you because that is in his best interests.

Why does she want to do this? Is she depressed?

Why not say look, go down to stay with your mother. See how that works out. I will stay here with our son and we will discuss it further in 3 months.

You may find that once she's down there she'll realise it won't work?

Or get social services in and ask for help with caring for her.

It sounds very sad and difficult. :(

That said, I agree with Lawm01, nowhere does it seem obvious or apparent that there is love left in your marriage, and that might be why your wife wants to move, if she is lacking love where you are and she has little in the way of friends and family in the area, it makes complete sense that she would want to strengthen her connections with her mother.

I would personally explore the possibility of your MIL moving to be closer to you before making any other decisions. If seperation is a real possibility, it does seem unlikely that your wife would get full custody, but it certainly wouldn't benefit your DS to have to hammer it out in court, the more amicable the better.

Does your wife know you are seriously contemplating a split?

I'm sorry you're all going through this, what horrible dilemmas you are facing. :(

Yours is such a sad situation.

How feasible would it be for your wife to visit her Mum for say a week each month, to give you both a break?

I wouldn't want to move if I were you.

Everyone else is so much wiser than me, but I do agree with all that has been posted.
Could you DW be depressed? Would she benefit from seeing a counsellor?
Finally, and without wanting to sound insensitive, what is her life expectancy. Does this disease have a life limitting component.
Good luck.

First off, congrats on doing what must be a very difficult job. I have to say I think you should stay where you are - to move would isolate you and I can't see how that would be good for your son. Is it the emotional support she wants from her mom? Would it be possible for her mom to move closer? Have you thought about whether she could go to her mom for say half the month for respite care (and also let her mom see how demanding a job it is?)

From a custody pov, I think that you would almost certainly get full custody given the circumstances.

To echo what someone said above, you don't seem to love your wife - are you staying out of a sense of loyalty? You deserve a life too - regardless maybe you should think about seperation?

Thank you kindly so far for your swift responses.

She does have carers come in to make her meals for her twice a day, three times on a weekend incase I decided to go out for the day when our son isn't here. So yes she has other carers and a social worker.

As I stated earlier I have tried but can't have a reasonable conversation with her because her mind won't allow her to think rationally. I think the same result would come if I tried to get her to write anything down.

To be honest, given the draining situation for the previous 6 years (for both of us) no I don't think I love her any longer, certainly not as much as I did, this is through no fault of anyones but her condition has changed her from the person she was, she isn't even still the same person I married. If I go down there not only will my son and I loose our support but I can only imagine the whole situation will get worse and I'd just end up moving back here anyway which practically and financially would be exteemly difficult. As Hecate said I would indeed feel very isolated.

No she dosn't have any friends or family nearby that come to see her regulary. Now this is a totally understandable reason, given her condition, to want to be back with her mother, but I don't think that is what's best for our son.

I have mentioned to her that she is only thinking of herself but she will just flip it and say that it is I who is being selfish.

Yes she does suffer from deppression brought on by her condition which is understandable.

I've tried to think of people who I can talk to about the situation that wouldn't take one side or the other but look at the whole situation and have come up blank, which is why I thought of trying it out on here.

Iliad, would her mum move nearer to you?

It's a dreadful situation but I don't think you can make yourself unhappy and isolated so that your wife can take you all down to live near her mother.

Would she agree to go and stay with her mother?

Or perhaps you need to consider whether you can continue to meet her needs within the family home.

Perhaps if there is an alternative that means she gets care and support and other company, and you can visit her regularly with your son, that might work out?

I really don't think that a court would agree that it is in the best interests of a child to be taken away from his primary carer, to an area where he knows nobody, to be cared for by a bed-bound parent and an elderly grandparent who has not even got to know him yet.

No real advise, just wanted to say i feel for you.

Full custody with regular visits sounds the only plausible option really.

Sorry, more people posted while I was typing, lol. Thank you.

No chance of getting my wife's mother to move closer.

Not really possible for her to take regular trips down there because of her disability just dosn't make it practical.

I suggested to her social worker that she goes down to her mothers for a week or two so I could have a break, but never mentioned it to my wife because I knew what the outcome would be. Her social worker rang her mother and suggested this on my behalf. So my wifes mother rang her and invited her down, but not until they have moved and they arn't putting their house on the market till August, so it could be another year, plus she would have to make her own way down there rather than her brother coming to pick her up. I know it's a long trip but it's doable. So exactly the outcome I thought. I'm not sure I can cope that long without a rest.

She won't see a counsiler, I've tried to get her involved in the local MS society to no avail. So I've tried helping her out.

If we do split I really would rather avoid any courts and leave it amicably but I don't think she will leave it at that.

Life expectancy is unknown, but yes she is looking at her mortality and has been since becoming ill 6 years ago.

It's not so much loyalty that I am staying with her more that I don't want to make that decission that will take her son away from her, that is for her to decide I feel.

Good grief. It sounds like a horribly sad situation all round. I wish I had some advice, but I really don't. I can only say that in your position, I wouldn't move. I might, however, facilitate my spouse in finding somewhere to live near their family. It doesn't sound like you are in a 'marriage' any more, and that it's more a sense of duty. I can't imagine having to live in that way. Good luck.

Well said Chicken, I think I would enquire about sheltered accommodation near to your MiL.
As for your son, as much as I'll probably get flamed, you are his primary care giver through no fault of your DWs and I would hope that your wife respects that.

Sorry, I have nothing to suggest but just wanted to say that everything you have said seems more than reasonable to me and the most sensible way forward.

Nothing to add, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping things work out for you. It sounds like your little boy is very lucky to have such a caring Daddy :-)
x

That sounds like a really hard situation to be in. I don't have any advice about the custody etc and i agree thatmoving is a bad idea.
I am wondering though if you could look into improving your wifes quality of life where you are, perhaps this would actually help your relationship. I have no idea about her illness so aplogies if this seems ridiculous! For example you say she is bed bound and only sees her son 5 minutes a day this must ne incredibly hard for all of you. When i was a child my mother was unwell and unable to do much BUT she did have an area in the living room where she could sort of "watch over" the days proceedings rather than being locked away all the time. The same with my grandad he actually had his bed in one side of the living room so that he was still very much part of family life. He had oxygen equipment etc all set u there too. My grandmother used to sit with him in the evening watching tv as if everything was normal ( well she was deaf as a post but still the relationship needed that togetherness).

My mum used to spend some days in tears that she was such a burden so although i feel very sorry for you ( as i did my dad) i do feel maybe there can be a happy(ish) solution - she sounds very lost and lonely.

If custody is being talked about already, I'd see a lawyer. I take on board what you say about wanting to avoid the courts and keep things amicable, but that seems unlikely given the situation, esp as she is not really herself. If you can at least get some firm reassurance that she can't leave and take your son with her, then you will feel on solid ground. Perhaps this is all just talk on her part anyway, something to think about and plan, when realistically it isn't going to happen. It doesn't sound like her mum is going to be very accommodating, but I think when your options are dwindling, you have to cling to false hope, as if Colchester would be better. I'm sorry you feel so unsettled, but it sound like you are doing the right things. Just get some professional advice and hang in there for your boy.

Thank you again folks.

Have tried to improve her quality of life, her social worker is trying, Occupational Therapy are trying, I'm trying, her neurologist is trying, her pain consultant is trying. But nothing seems to be getting through.

She has oppertunity to come into the living room, I can easily wheel her through and place her on the sofa, but she dosn't like it because our son watches children's TV and she wants to watch what she wants to, so she'd rather stay in bed sleep and smoke.

Can you get free lawyers? lol.

At least it seems I'm in the correct position of not wanting to move so thank you for that.

Well if she wont take the help then really there's nothing you can do, i cant imagine that you have much to worry about custody wise - all i can say is it sounds like you are doing a good job in ver difficult circumstances and your son ( and your wife) have been lucky to have such a great father and husband. I hope it works out for you.

I would suggest she visits her mum for say 2 weeks to see how they get on.