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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel put upon?

28 replies

ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 11:18

I am part of a group of friends who meet regularly with our children. We all had our 1st children at the same time 4 years ago and get on well. However, the rest of the group have gone on to have their 2nd or 3rd children, whilst I am the only one to still only have 1.

I am finding that I am increasingly becoming everyone's spare pair of hands while we meet up. So if they want a cuddle with their older child, baby comes to me, if they want to change toddlers nappy, baby comes to me, if they want to go to the toilet, baby comes to me, if older child needs help, baby comes to me and so on. I actually don't mind helping out at all and I think in a way this is why I have got myself in to this position because I think we should help each other out.

However, as it is a group of 5 adults it really does end up being most of the time. Sometimes I actually enjoy sitting with my own drink and enjoying the fact that my DD is independent and I can get a break. Blush Ironically, the times DD does want me I can't because I am looking after someone else's baby. I also know that, hopefully, when I have another, it won't be reciprocated.

I think the final straw was when I felt 'told off' by one of the mums this week because I hadn't offered to hold her baby while she was seeing to her older child Confused

I expect a flaming, but am genuinely wondering if AIBU to not want to always be the extra pair of hands?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/02/2011 11:24

do the babies not have prams/pushchairs?

If so, I'd take the baby and put it in the pram. Job done.

If they are your friends, surely you can say that you don't like the constant assumption that you will be the spare pair of hands. That you don't neccessarily mind being, but you do mind being expected to and you certainly mind attitude about it!

FabbyChic · 11/02/2011 11:24

You are not being unreasonable, you are justifiably feeling used!

Flisspaps · 11/02/2011 11:26

YANBU. Next time they ask you can you say something like 'Actually I'm just popping to the loo', or 'Not really, this drink's a bit too hot and I don't want X near it' and then grab the mug and take a sip?

Or you could just say no, but I don't think you'd do that!

mamsnet · 11/02/2011 11:27

You've articulated that very well.. I feel like that sometimes too..

Definitely NBU

SenoritaViva · 11/02/2011 11:27

I am in a similar position, having problems TTC second. Why don't, when you arrive, you set up a specific baby area? I don't always understand why babies need to constantly be held. How about saying 'yes, off you go, I'll put baby X on the mat and watch him/her - I haven't had a second to finish my tea (as I've been holding all the other babies) and I don't want to burn your baby'.

It does sound a little frustrating, but probably not worth losing your friends over.

Oh and definitely say, 'wow, it will be super when I have my second as yours will be grown up enough that you'll be able to hold mine' A bit passive aggressive I suppose...

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 11/02/2011 11:27

why don't you find some new friends that only have one child each so you won't be put upon by a request to hold a 'friends' baby?

SenoritaViva · 11/02/2011 11:28

Sorry X posted with Flisspaps

torie1980 · 11/02/2011 11:29

Sounds very similar to what situation i was in we all met 8 years ago when our first children where baby's all the other mums went on to have other children straight away but i did not so i ended up being the spare pair of hands and like you i liked sitting down for a coffee whilst my son played, all i can say is that i went on to have my second child when my DS was 7 all the other mums by then had children aged 4 and over i then found out that they where the spare pair of hands and they have been fantastic especially when i needed them most when i split up with the kids dad they are always offering to look after my children be patient cause one day you will need them

Original poster
ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 11:39

Thanks for all your replies Smile It really helps to hear what you all have to say.

Good suggestions about prams/pushchairs and bay areas, but I should have said they are all babies at the crawling just walking stage so it is actually much harder to just 'watch over them' findingstufftochuckout it is much more than just holding a friends baby, which I don't mind doing, it is following babies around, stopping them getting in to places they shouldn't be etc. It is also constant.

torie that sounds great, unfortunately I hope that the gap will be a little smaller (just need to not have another MC this year fingers crossed) so their babies will still only be 2 and another newborn is on its way in the next couple of months

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 11:41

That should be crawling or just walking

btw findingstufftochuckout do you have any advice as to how I could make new friends with other parents of one child? Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 13:33

.

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 11/02/2011 13:36

If you have friends with more than one child, then this is par for the course. When/if you have another child, you too will ask people if they mind watching one of yours while you go for a wee/go to get food etc.

If you want to have a nice hands-free time, don't have friends with small children. Even my friends with no children don't moan about this, they accept if we all go for coffee with several little children, it's all hands on deck!

MsKLo · 11/02/2011 13:40

Yanbu if they always use you for this

Some Of the unecessarily bitchy replies on here are so typical.

Sorry to hear about your mc and good luck with everything x

Original poster
ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 13:45

Thanks onetoomany I think part of the problem is that it isn't all hands on deck, it's my hands only. Because I am seen as the spare pair of hands, because I only have 1, the other mums just always ask me, even if the others are sat with babies asleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 13:48

MsKLo thanks for your post Smile I did wonder if the MC was making it harder iyswim, in that I am trying to see the positives of having a bigger gap and keep telling myself to enjoy having a DD who is independent and make the most of it and perhaps I just wish it was my baby I was holding?

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 11/02/2011 13:49

I think it's normal for all the mums to help each other out like this. The one who told you off though is taking the piss. I hope you stood up for yourself!

Next time your own child needs you hand which ever baby you have over to someone else.

MsKLo · 11/02/2011 13:58

You are understandably annoyed that these 'friend's' are using you to always hold the baby because you have just the one at the moment! Do they know about your mc by the way? If so, they are being insensitive too! If not, would you speak to them about it?

Stand up for yourself and say something like, oh I can't at the minute, I need to go to my child etc and spend the time they want a free sitter to be with your dc!

X

MsKLo · 11/02/2011 14:00

Oh by the way I think it is important to point out that of course most of us can see you have no prob helpingbyour friends but the problem is they are obviously using the fact u have one dc and that is not on!

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 11/02/2011 14:02

I think YABU but also as the mum of more than one sometimes things like having another pair of hands to take over the baby for a short time to give the older dc a cuddle or something is like a gift TBH.

I think they are just being a little thoughtless rather than trying to put upon you. It probably is a pain in the rear but some days I have one of 3 children attached to me all day and as much as I love it and love them I love it when dh or my sister comes in and takes off a bit of the pressure.

Onetoomanycornettos · 11/02/2011 14:12

I can see holding the baby might be a difficult thing for you as well, if that's the case be honest with them. I personally love getting handed a baby and jigging them about precisely because I don't have one any more, so always volunteer (and would not expect to be told off if I didn't).

But I still think if you love being hands-free and having a nice quiet sit down, then hanging out in a group of five mums with two or more children each is just the wrong situation. There's bound to be lots of passing of children and wiping of noses, and perhaps you are asked a lot as you are 'good with them' (which carries its own burden). I find it surprising that everyone else is just sitting there sipping with sleeping babies and you are expected to run around with their toddler, but when I go out with friends, we kind of do 'joint care' (so I care for my friend's three when she leaves the room/goes away/they ask for a drink and I don't feel aggrieved I only have two!)

Original poster
ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 14:16

MsKLo No, none of them know about the MC. I don't want to tell them either. I do need to get better at standing up for myself as I tend to just avoid confrontation. thanks again for your post. Smile

Ineedacleaner I do honestly get that having another pair of hands take over for a while can be a lifesaver at times and I did do a lot when the 1st mum had her baby and she had a toddler, then the next one had hers and so on until now there area total of 5 babies/toddlers in addition to the 5 3/4 year olds, so it means that it is now constant! I also agree that they are being thoughtless rather than knowingly doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraPairOfHands · 11/02/2011 15:19

Onetoomany I think it is a bit unfair to suggest that 'I love being hands free and having a nice quiet sit down' I didn't say i wanted a quiet time, us mums with only one child are not adverse to noise you know Grin and I should be able to go out and meet up with whoever I like without feeling put upon.

I have said repeatedly, I don't mind helping, but it is that it is practically constant. Also the mums are not sat there while I am running around after their toddler/baby, it is that the mum who is busy doesn't think to ask the others.

OP posts:
MsKLo · 11/02/2011 15:46

God it is so frustrating that so many replies here are misreading this situation! Of course the OP
Doesn't mind helping her friends but the problem is obviously that the friends are taking advantage of the fact she only has one to look after herself!

PukeyMummy · 11/02/2011 16:15

YANBU - have been feeling like that with my friends for the past few months too.

Sometimes I offer to help, but sometimes a baby is thrust upon me as they go to look after DC1. Luckily I have a friend in the same position in our group, so we've had a bit of a moan about it together, and try to share the load.

Now I have DC2 on the way, looking forward to a spot of revenge later this year! Grin

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 11/02/2011 16:31

so the alternatives are:

to meet up with friends who have lots of crawling babies and just watch as said babies crawl into fireplace or put fingers in sockets. If their Mums are too busy to care why should you?

OR

seek out alternative ways to spend you time where you can relax and enjoy the fact your DD no longer requires constant monitoring and just get on with it.

OR

You are not forced to hang out with these Mum's who have their hands full!!! You can do other things. Why is it such a shock that you aren't their main concern. You call these people your friends FFS yet youa re resenting being hands on with their children when you are all together in a group situation!

OR ............

actually I can't be bothered - yet another AIBU where the OP doesn't care to hear that some people do in fact think she might be a wee bit unreasonable!

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